Whoops ..  I have had a couple of comments on facebook from friends who seem to think that I am lonely or have “given up” .. that is not the case…

My last post was sparked by a lovely cheeky wee Spanish friend of mine commenting on how she perceived another friend to be.  It made me think of how we, as people, do have many “faces” that we allow others to see but what we show to people is sometimes very different to the “real” people we are.  This boils down to two things 1) Trust 2) Confidence.

For me Trust is a huge issue.  With trust comes respect, friendship and love (of all forms), which in turn brings Confidence in the emotion that you feel and relationships.

I am perceived as a confident person, and on the whole I am.   I air my views (whether other people agree with me or not!) and certainly do not put up with any nonsense.   I know I can rub people up the wrong way at times, but at least they know where they stand with me.  I am honest, I am open and I accept that I have many faults that will probably never improve with age <grin>

However… we all have something that holds us back (as I have mentioned in earlier posts), for me my problem is that I am quite popular (I don’t mean that in a big headed way) but I am sociable, I talk to people, I make them laugh.  People like me for that.   My problem is that I never know when they like me for more than that.

The truth of the matter is that I was in a long term relationship where my confidence in a lot of areas was slowly eroded down.  I did hang around longer than I would normally have done in a relationship that was very dysfunctional because I did love my ex partner.  The type of comfortable, trusting love that comes with time, the everyday love that you can live your life being happy with.   The problem is that I made a huge error of judgement.  I was wrong to believe that it was a “two way” relationship that would last and in the end the frustration of disrespect, lack of affection and general lack of care made me realise this.. I walked away to save what little pride I had left.  Events that have happened since then have proved I was right to walk away and I feel foolish for my error of believing that I was wanted, when in my heart of hearts I knew I wasn’t.

I have had a three “encounters” since then and I know I handled all three badly, for different reasons.  I again made errors of judgement that have left me questioning myself.   In the end I also ended up allowing myself to be hurt again.

I took a decision to take “time out” .. to spend time with myself and my friends, to protect myself and others.  Hurt is painful to cope with, I certainly do not want any more of it and neither do I want to hurt anyone else.  I also do not want to ruin what could be lovely friendships by mistaking them for something more.

I do not want to have a fling, Ive had more flings in my younger years that I can remember.  The short lived buzz of excitement does not match up to a feeling of completeness and peace when you are with someone you love and I am past the stage when I need to add any more notches to my bedpost!

I have chosen to be in “no man’s land”, and at times it does feel a bit of an emotional desert BUT at the moment it is something I need to do, I need this space, I am enjoying time on my own because I know that ultimately if and when I meet someone, who I really WANT to be with and who really WANTS to be with me, I will be a better, more complete person, who can give as much as I know I can give again and love as purely as I know I can.

At the moment I have a “wee crush” that will probably come to nothing, but it is a step forward for me and I know I will do nothing about it, I will just let it keep me warm until something “real” comes along.

So do not worry about me, do not think I am lonely, do not think I need to meet someone.   I am a great believer in fate, if something is meant it will happen.  If it doesn’t happen.. then so be it.

I have everything I need in life, I am content.  Anything else would just be a bonus.