What I deserve ….

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I am very lucky with the friends I have.   They listen to me,  are honest with me and take a genuine interest in me as a person.  They give me their time and give me the honest hard truth that sometimes I need to hear, whether I like it or not….

I had a discussion last night about my decision to stay single.  My friend (an ex .. from many, many years ago), who is in a very happy relationship listened to me and gave me some advice that made me stop and make me think.

I look around at relationships I see, some are fabulous … but some … they are just for now … they will not last .. you can tell by the drama and the nonsense around them.   These will end and for some, the whole cycle of drama and emotional highs and lows will start again.   This is not what I want … I value peace and quietness in my life and I am not prepared to give that up.

The last big relationship I was in ended about 3 years ago.    There was not one reason for it really .. we just had run our course and in my heart of hearts I knew our relationship had become more of a friendship than anything else.   When I weighted it all up .. I did not want to be a “companion” and in all honesty I knew my ex (who was a lot younger than me) needed to go out there and really fill her heart .. we are friends and I genuinely care for her as a very good friend.   I know that when I went through a really bad patch, she was was there, and carried me for many months.   It is something I will not forget.

I also made new friendships through it … and these new friends along with my close old friends, helped me in ways that I can never repay.

I have also dated a few people since … with mixed results …  some have ended with great friendships which is fab, but some have been a bit strange to say the least and have made me stop and think a lot about what I need (and don’t need!) in my life.

I have found it safer to lay my heart in the hands of the unobtainable .. my close friends will know what I mean by this, however I do know that in reality I use this as an excuse to avoid the dating scene because It has simply left me feeling used and lied to, and I really do not want that in my life.

Perhaps this will change …  when I meet someone I feel close to …  it is the emotional connection that wins my heart .. someone who can see my soul and understand it.  Someone who is true and honest and has no secrets with me.

Does she exist …. I’m not sure … I know I am not easy, I am a lot deeper than I let most people see … so until then (if ever!) I will stay the way I am .. in my own little happy world where I find my peace.

The truth

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The truth is never easy to face up to.    Especially when it involves looking inwards.

I have been lied to many times in my life.  Most of the time I have known it but chose to ignore it.

I do not mind the truth, even if it hurts, I can deal with that.   What I cannot deal with is lies that are used by others to gain sympathy or pity .. or to simply get their own way.

I have often been left in total confusion with lies .. you never quite know what is the truth .. and what is said to hurt .. but you lose something then .. you lose the trust you have in someone and that is a very difficult thing to get back.

At times I have been made to feel like a dirty secret, a bit of “rough” … and I am certainly none of those.    

I have taken time out to look inside, to find out if I was the monster, the destroyer I was painted out to be … and the answer is now clear.   No I am not.

I am not perfect, hell, no-one is, but I am open and honest, sometimes to a fault.. and sometimes that is used against me.

Will I change… nope.. no feckin chance!! …  I am happy with me and my life.   It is a pity that others are not, but that is for them to work on, not me.

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