Dear Ros,
It’s nearly 7 months since you wandered off to the big tattoo parlour in the sky… 7 months that feel like years… yet also just a heartbeat ago.
It’s been strange without you. It didn’t seem real at first, I was so used to you being in and out of the hospice that I still expected you to call with my daily orders of what you wanted brought in… I’ve never known anyone to need as many clothes as you did!…. And it’s true to say that my eyes rolled more than the lies of Boris Johnson’s tongue!
I miss my calls in the wee hours because you were awake and missing me, I miss the text messages, that made no sense but always made me laugh!
I even miss the calls when you were so out of it because of your medication that you were scared … I miss them because I know you are longer scared but in those moments you were so damn honest that I couldn’t have loved you more… I couldn’t say or do anything to stop your fear but the fact that you could be that honest brought us closer together.
I tried so hard to keep things “normal”, just as you wanted…but at times it was so bloody difficult.
I miss you. I miss your banter, how you were always trying to help others, even after your death. I miss your laugh, your tutting and your crabbiness.
It had been funny finding out how many people you told to look after me! Silly bugger. But thank you.
The kitchen is no longer rearranged on a weekly basis. The floors are only hoovered when Yvonne comes in. I am still spoiling the dogs (still shouting at them too!). Your craft room is now a spare room again and I managed to paint the decking.. twice!! (Took me a while as I had to do it sitting down!).
The garden is looking fabulous.. thanks to Andrew, Kate, Willie and of course… me!… although I’m only able to take credit for the pots and wielding the garden hose!
The next big job is the summerhouse.. as in clearing it out!! So much stuff that you said you had taken to the tip has miraculously found it’s way into the back of the summerhouse!! … I wonder how that happened? After a few choice words, I laughed, it was just so.. YOU!
How I wish I could nag you and tell you to get up to the tip with it all… but I can’t… so I will sift through it… no doubt cursing you a bit more, but laughing … and probably wiping away a wee tear too.
So… I’m getting there. Life has found its new normality, I’ve found my peace again, so I will say thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me and thank you for being the most stubborn, laid back, bravest woman I ever had the chance to share part of my life with.
Keep rocking x
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 