I was sent this picture by a friend of mine who wanted me to write a piece on how difficult it is to give your heart to someone and how difficult it is to accept the responsibility of having someone’s heart.
The fear of giving and receiving love haunts many of us who have been hurt deeply in the past. Until you truly love and lose that love you will never understand the great responsibility that some people take so lightly or for granted.
From a personal point, I do not give my heart away easily, but when I do, it is real and does not just switch off. I have had many relationships with women throughout my life .. some very casual, some a little more serious but only four times I have really loved.
I have loved these women in very different ways, but all of them totally. One was with a great passion but a very unfulfilling relationship that made me happy for very short periods of time but drained my emotions for the majority of it. We are no longer friends, which I think says it all. The other three have been based on a deep, comfortable love and all three of these wonderful women are still very loved friends of mine.
In my youth I cared little for people’s hearts, or mine .. I leapt into relationships long and short with great enthusiasm, whether it be for a night, a month or a year. I never knew what I wanted… I just lived for the moment… the future just a fairytale that would take care of itself.
Now I find myself in a strange position of actually knowing what I want .. I want a friend, a lover, a soul mate, someone who really wants me and is proud to be by my side .. but I am very cynical whether I will ever find all of these in one person, perhaps if I could take a little of all the women I loved and mixed them up together then I would find “the one”.
I will be very careful with my heart, I know myself and I know that I won’t give that easily.. but more than that I will be more careful with any hearts that may be given to me and that I am happy to accept.
I will never utter “I love you” unless I mean it and I know that it is truly meant back. Until then I will keep my heart safely under lock and key and try to be brave enough to accept the responsibility of someone’s heart when it is offered.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 