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I’ve been a crabbit auld witch today

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Some days, no matter what you do, things go wrong … I am not exactly reknowned for my patience when I am the one to blame for mishaps and today was no exception.

On the plus side I did manage to write two tributes … but both were hard work and I still can’t shake this feeling of being so weary!

I then decided to fiddle around with Alice (not as dodgy as it sounds … Alice is my motorhome) … I have a problem with the lights not working on 12v or on mains and me and yesterday my pal Jane couldn’t work out if the fridge is working or not… there is no indicator light to show.

Anyway after huffing and puffing for half an hour to try to get the fuse box lid thing off I gave up in a strop (under a cloud of lots of swear words!) … not that I would really want to touch the fuses anyway as I am a bit funny with electrics (I don’t even change a plug) … but I thought if I could see what type of fuse it needed, I could ask my brother to do it.

But no matter how I tried my hands just wouldn’t work properly to get it off … it is awkward but more nimble fingers are needed…. I had the same problem earlier with the curtains .. I wanted to take them off to wash them, but can’t get my fingers into the right angle to get it off the funny wee clips that motorhomes have.

I flung a strop … one of my “why can’t I do this” strops … I hate getting old and not being able to do the things I used to do and between my back and my hands I really am getting annoyed with myself.  Sometimes I just need to vent … this is one of those times.

When anger and hurt die away

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hurt

For the past few months I have been full of disbelief, anger, jealousy and hurt.   It has been tough to cope with and at times I have wanted to scream.

My friends who have listened to me, know exactly how confused I was … and I seemed to bounce from one emotion to another and I found it hard to control at times.

But slowly things are sliding away, the hurt and confusion slowly passed to a deep pain of losing someone I truly loved and in many ways still do.  There are times when I just wish I could wipe everything from the 1st of February away and just be held as I cry.

I have been through the “if only” and the “I hope you realise you have made a mistake” stages … until I found out about the other woman … what the truth is there, I will probably never know … and it is a huge slap in the face, that really cut me to the core …  but through it all, I still loved although I  accept that no matter what I want, I know things could never be as they were.

But… when all the negative emotions pass, you are left with your true feelings and no matter what happened, beneath it all these are the feelings that count.   I have to accept that part of me still loves the woman I thought I knew, even though all my trust was smashed to pieces.

In a way, how I feel now gives me a strange kind of peace and, for now, I will just accept that. My heart is a traitor to my common sense, but I do know that, in time, that too will pass.

My life is heading in a new direction, that sometimes I am forcing myself to head on, because anything is better than sitting at home wishing for what can never be … but I know myself well enough to realise that if, and when, someone new stumbles into my life, that I will trust again, and I will love again, my heart is big enough to cope.

 

 

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