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There are days when the struggle becomes almost too much … too much anger and frustration … and it is hard to rest your mind and find your peace.30739204_10155499421608106_4492022749182558208_n

Then something happens … just a little thing … I heard a voice outside speaking to Sprout (my pup) and when I went to the door, there stood a woman from one of the local villages that I know, and I had taken the funeral for her dad a couple of months back.

She was standing with a bunch of tulips and a card that thanked me for taking the service for her dad … but also thanked me for inspiring posts… although lately I can’t say some of them have been that inspiring.

I came in and put the flowers in a vase and read the card again, and I found myself crying.

I know I have lovely friends who genuinely care from me, but a card and flowers from a woman who doesn’t really know me well is very touching.

It means a lot.  Thank you.

The grass is not always greener

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grassOr as my great wee pal Deb said … sometimes it is well trod!

It is no secret that I have recently been very badly hurt by the actions of a woman who I truly believed to be my life partner.

After a million and one excuses including that she wanted time to find herself, we had nothing in common, I was no fun (all of which are untrue!) it turns out that there was already someone lurking in the background.

We have all had a friend who was jealous of our relationship … they see a happy couple and think they can weedle their way in and substitute one half.  Far from being an understanding friend, they poke and prod away undermining the relationship and making out that they are the solution to the problem that THEY created.   This is not how it works, a substitute is just that … a replacement not the original.

I will not say my ex and I  had the perfect relationship,  no relationship is perfect, but it was the closest and most meaningful relationship I ever had… I know  I was at fault for many things, and although I was stressed out (and told her that!), it seems understanding was only one way.   I had to put up with a lot through our three years together, but in the end, when it was me that needed the understanding and patience, the bond I thought we had snapped.

I was heartbroken but I really did think she would take time out and realise just what we had and we could start again, but the blatant lies and the fact that she was already involved with someone else turned a switch in me and I realised that the jealousy I had to put up with from her (totally unfounded), was merely a mirror of herself.

I don’t think I ask too much from a relationship, I simply want someone who wants to be with me and is happy to be in my company, someone who will give me honesty and peace.

My ex never understood my need for peace.  I have a job that is emotionally very draining and sometimes I just like to sit and let things go, especially during my really busy times, but I always wanted her with me, I found great comfort in her company and was so proud to be with her.   Now I feel like a fool.

I like the simple things in life, I am not a big clubber these days and alcohol doesn’t do it for me, but, as my friends know, I do like a good night out now and again. But at the age of 57 I want something more than that … something more solid, built on two people who are willing to understand, hold .. and yes sometimes bicker … I want real.   Is it really that hard to find?

 

 

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