té español
This weekend I tried Spanish tea for the first time …
To be honest I was surprised at how lovely it was and perfect in everyway.
I much prefer it to coffee.
When a butterfly flaps it’s wings …
August 19, 2011
regular chaos theory, friendship, lesbian, values 3 Comments
When a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world it can cause a hurricane in another part of the world.
Author Unknown
We probably all have heard of the “butterfly” quote .. it is also known as the Chaos Theory.
I prefer to look at it differently.
Our actions, no matter how small can have a lasting effect on others.
Cruel people bring sadness and hurt into other’s lives through jealousy or rage and never seem to appreciate the damage that they leave in their trail, they are blind to it because of their own inability to feel things deeply.
Those of us who have been deeply hurt appreciate how our actions and words do have to be “carefully chosen” at times, often a kind word or compliment can really touch the heart and hope of someone who may be drowning in their own emotions.
Often we are unaware to our own “power” of making things happen and how we make people feel, not through cruelty but by simply being human. We all have our frailties, our imperfections and our doubts … what we do not always have is the self awareness to realise our “power”.
I guess this is no bad thing, if we thought we could act in a certain way to get a reaction we wanted then that stops being something that is honest and true to being something manipulative and contrived.
Often I have a battle within me. Often I do not know what way to turn because I get caught up with Guilt and Obligation (both in capitals because I know these are two values that sometimes play too highly in my decisions!), and perhaps Fear too … we all fear rejection, humiliation and hurt.
I have people in my life, who I truly appreciate because they can make me stop and think and listen to myself. They make me take a deep breath, and take a risk, be honest, be true. I don’t think you can ask anymore from friendship if it can make you free within yourself.
Recently, someone else’s actions have prompted me to be completely honest with myself and someone else. I am glad I have been, it was a huge step for me to take, simply due to my own insecurities and how I view myself.
A big lesson for me, and one I will try to remember, a compliment or a smile costs nothing to give, yet it can mean the world to someone. It may even change their life.
OOH! .. I didn’t see that coming!
August 16, 2011
regular ;esbian, surprise, WRAC 1 Comment
There are things in life that are unexpectedly enjoyable. I was introduced to a site for ex Army women on Facebook and since I have joined I have met friends of old and some lovely new people online who make me guffaw with laughter.
The surprise has been our common pride we all have of our backgrounds and our time in the WRAC, we share a common love of those days of square bashing, pot washing, smartly ironed creases and shiny shoes!
The WRAC was a great turning point in my life. I always knew I was “different”, I had boyfriends, that I didn’t want to sleep with and much preferred to be playing hockey than dating!
Then I joined up. I very quickly learned why I had always felt I was “marching out of step” with everyone else that I knew.
.. and so started my awakening as a lesbian .. and the rest, so the say, is history.
I have been around the block (and in the words of Melissa Etheridge) three times, maybe four, but sometimes, I am taken aback at my lack of knowledge or my lack of foresight into situations.
This week has been no different, there was something right in front of me that I never noticed, I cannot believe I was so ignorant of facts that have since been pointed out to me <smile> but there you go … sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees.
Whatever happens next is not just my decision but even if nothing does come of this.. it has given me a smile, put a bit of swagger back into this decrepit old fool and made me realise that perhaps Im not the old has been I thought I was!
It has given me something to think about.. but at least it is a very pleasant thing!
There is a saying that you may forget what people say, but you never forget what they make you feel.
I can only be grateful. Thank you <smile>
A little misunderstanding …
August 13, 2011
regular confidence, judgement, lesbian, misunderstanding, trust 1 Comment
Whoops .. I have had a couple of comments on facebook from friends who seem to think that I am lonely or have “given up” .. that is not the case…
My last post was sparked by a lovely cheeky wee Spanish friend of mine commenting on how she perceived another friend to be. It made me think of how we, as people, do have many “faces” that we allow others to see but what we show to people is sometimes very different to the “real” people we are. This boils down to two things 1) Trust 2) Confidence.
For me Trust is a huge issue. With trust comes respect, friendship and love (of all forms), which in turn brings Confidence in the emotion that you feel and relationships.
I am perceived as a confident person, and on the whole I am. I air my views (whether other people agree with me or not!) and certainly do not put up with any nonsense. I know I can rub people up the wrong way at times, but at least they know where they stand with me. I am honest, I am open and I accept that I have many faults that will probably never improve with age <grin>
However… we all have something that holds us back (as I have mentioned in earlier posts), for me my problem is that I am quite popular (I don’t mean that in a big headed way) but I am sociable, I talk to people, I make them laugh. People like me for that. My problem is that I never know when they like me for more than that.
The truth of the matter is that I was in a long term relationship where my confidence in a lot of areas was slowly eroded down. I did hang around longer than I would normally have done in a relationship that was very dysfunctional because I did love my ex partner. The type of comfortable, trusting love that comes with time, the everyday love that you can live your life being happy with. The problem is that I made a huge error of judgement. I was wrong to believe that it was a “two way” relationship that would last and in the end the frustration of disrespect, lack of affection and general lack of care made me realise this.. I walked away to save what little pride I had left. Events that have happened since then have proved I was right to walk away and I feel foolish for my error of believing that I was wanted, when in my heart of hearts I knew I wasn’t.
I have had a three “encounters” since then and I know I handled all three badly, for different reasons. I again made errors of judgement that have left me questioning myself. In the end I also ended up allowing myself to be hurt again.
I took a decision to take “time out” .. to spend time with myself and my friends, to protect myself and others. Hurt is painful to cope with, I certainly do not want any more of it and neither do I want to hurt anyone else. I also do not want to ruin what could be lovely friendships by mistaking them for something more.
I do not want to have a fling, Ive had more flings in my younger years that I can remember. The short lived buzz of excitement does not match up to a feeling of completeness and peace when you are with someone you love and I am past the stage when I need to add any more notches to my bedpost!
I have chosen to be in “no man’s land”, and at times it does feel a bit of an emotional desert BUT at the moment it is something I need to do, I need this space, I am enjoying time on my own because I know that ultimately if and when I meet someone, who I really WANT to be with and who really WANTS to be with me, I will be a better, more complete person, who can give as much as I know I can give again and love as purely as I know I can.
At the moment I have a “wee crush” that will probably come to nothing, but it is a step forward for me and I know I will do nothing about it, I will just let it keep me warm until something “real” comes along.
So do not worry about me, do not think I am lonely, do not think I need to meet someone. I am a great believer in fate, if something is meant it will happen. If it doesn’t happen.. then so be it.
I have everything I need in life, I am content. Anything else would just be a bonus.
Unanswered questions …
August 12, 2011
regular barrier, fear, lesbian, unanswered question Leave a comment
The truth is, for different reasons, most of us have barriers.
We fear getting hurt, of showing too much, of rejection.
We fear the pain of our emotions that can leave us in dark, bleak places. Or worse, the dead feeling of an emotional desert, where even the pain of hurt or anger is preferable to feeling nothing.
Our emotional safety is precious to us and people cope with the protection of their emotions in different ways, some appear shy and reticent, some are loud and brash, but no-one is how they seem.
We allow people to see what we are comfortable with, sometimes we do this unconsciously, our “sixth sense” protecting us, keeping people at arms length, not because they have the power to hurt us, but because they will never understand us.
Sometimes, and not always when you expect it, someone slips behind your barrier, touches your emotions, makes you smile.
Do we risk the hurt, do we risk rejection?
Or do we continue to live in this world of dark or nothingness, but where we feel safe and in control?
Unanswered questions.
The big brave WRAC…
August 9, 2011
It was just a quiet normal morning in Lisburn. Three of us, KB, Julie and myself were just chilling out in our bedspaces, no drama, just quiet.
Suddenly from the bedspace opposite me there came a wee voice …
“did you hear that” said Julie
“hear what” said me
“the noise from my cornflake box” she whispered
I sat and listened, but heard nothing … “No, your’e hearing things” I replied and promptly went back to reading my book.
Suddenly I heard it … “scrape ,scrape, crunch, scrape”
I sat up … and took a wee bit notice of Julie then … “see .. I told you” she said …
I got up and slowly picked up the cornflake box and listened.
Nothing .. not a sound
I was just about to put it down when I felt a movement in the box.
“Open your window” I said to Julie … and she did … so I chucked the box out the window (we were on the ground floor) .. and we waited .. and waited .. and waited.
Nothing .. not a peep, not a movement.
Deciding I must have imagined it .. I climbed out of the window to rescue Julie’s cornflakes ..
Just as I bent down to pick them up .. this wee mouse came running out .. right at me .. with an evil glint in it’s eye.
I legged it .. screaming like a girly … arms waving around windmill style as I ran a hundred yards or so with the vicious mouse running after me.
It must have disappeared down a hole because when I stopped screaming and running it was no longer behind me… but the howls of laughter from our bedroom window done nothing for my street cred …
The pillage of Croydon
August 8, 2011
regular Croydon riots, fire, pillage 1 Comment
I have witnessed tonight the complete destruction of Croydon, a place I love (for all it’s faults) for the happy times I had when I lived there.
I have sat glued to the news watching in disbelief as rioters and looters pillaged shops and businesses at will.
I know the same problems are effecting other areas of London and even Birmingham and my heart bleeds for the local residents who are suffering and no doubt living in fear.
I am stunned and saddened by it all .. how many of these people really believe in anything apart from personal gain, what they can grab and steal from a shop or an office and their excuse…. “poverty”
Bollocks
We have the most generous welfare system in the world, too generous. I know from now having my own business (that I have worked hard to achieve) that you can start from nothing. I did. I started from a desk and telephone from a back bedroom.
Why
Because I didnt want to sit on my arse and have handouts.
You think you have nothing .. let me tell you what nothing is .. nothing is when you work hard all your life to have a business and a home that you are proud of and you lose it .. everything.. you walk away with the clothes on your back and some bits and pieces of furniture. That is nothing, that is failure. I’ve been there. I lost everything, and I had two choices, 1) sit back and feel sorry for myself and blame everything on someone else or 2) get off my arse and do something about it, so I did.
No-one can blame their failure anything but themselves. Don’t blame the government, don’t blame the education system, don’t blame it on your colour, your sexuality or your parents. Stand up and take responsibility.
Most of the idiots can’t even be bothered voting. Yet they are quick to blame the government but they forget about the easy credit we all demanded, the cheap food we buy from the superstores .. the fault lies at our own feet.
I have no sympathy left for sob stories, I have no patience with them. Stop diverting the blame, stand up, get out there and become someone, not a member of a mob, not a member of a gang, you have your future in your own hands, accept it and deal with it.
You take enough from society, put something back.
Monday night .. means?
August 8, 2011
Poetry and writing In nights, WRAC Leave a comment
Lost .. me .. never!
IN NIGHT!
Oh how I hated them at the time .. not realising just how much fun cleaning was with a bunch of gals!
At Bicester the sound of Bilitis verbarated around the corridors .. (for you young un’s Bilitis was a lesbian film and EVERYONE had the sound track!)
I remember Jackie Murphy and Sue Carline best for handing out the rota for cleaning the block .. my favourite (for some reason!) was cleaning the bathrooms .. I still like a sparkling bathroom now!
We had a lovely wee Scottish Sgt Major in Bicester, for the life of me I can’t remember her name – but she was a very fair, decent woman, who had survived my attempts at sabotage when I was seconded to the troop office after hurting my arm. I spent weeks pouring over the big sheets with everyone’s name on it .. I think they were for rations .. I really have no idea (I was a storewoman not a clerk!) .. anyway .. her favourite saying at that time was “Private Johnson .. a nice wee cup of tea would be lovely” .. I hate making tea .. so .. after a week or two I was really fed up with it. I decided (in my great wisdom) to sabotage tea making. The next time I heard the “a nice wee cup of tea would be lovely” I made my move … 12 teabags in a wee teapot .. honestly you could have painted with the walls with the tea that came out .. so.. very pleased with my very clever idea .. I smugly dropped it down in front of her.
She took a sip … paused … took another sip .. then said “Private Johnson, thats the best cup of tea I’ve had in a long time”
My flabber was gasted .. my dirty evil plan had failed … although looking back .. I think she was just too damn clever for me!
I did however extract a wee bit revenge at the next in night. I had in my possession (I can’t remember why!) a plastic dog poo .. now this SM liked to bring her wee cute dog round the block on in nights … so I waited .. until she had checked our room and moved on to the next .. and quietly placed the poo in the middle of the corridor.
The gasp was audible from the other end of the corridor … she turned red, was apologising profusely and telling her wee dog off … then she looked again … stared a bit harder … then it came … from the souls of her boots … “PRIVATE JOHNSON .. .GET OUT HERE NOW” …. how she knew it was me, I have no idea .. but thankfully she seen the funny side of it.. or maybe she was feeling sorry for me as I still had my arm in a sling ….
…ah .. the sling … I had actually been told by the medics that I could take my sling off .. BUT we had a big parade coming up the next day and I couldn’t be bothered bulling my boots. One of my roomies .. Joanne Hawker .. very kindly offered to bull my boots for me … I was sitting on my bed (with the sling off as I told her I could give it a wee rest out of the sling now and again) when she flung a cigarette over to me .. I grabbed it in mid air .. with my “bad” arm ..
The boots followed through the air a couple of seconds later ….
Attenshun!!
August 7, 2011
Army stories, Poetry and writing 4 Comments
WRAC – Im the one with no jacket on
I have lots of memories of my time in the WRAC and some lovely friends that stretch way way back!
I joined up in March 1980, really because I had no idea what to do with my life and joining the army seemed like a good idea and would allow me to carry on playing hockey!
Initially I was a storewoman but later changed trades to join the Royal Signals as a Data Telegraphist (hence why I can type today!)
One of my favourite memories is of a time when I was serving with 233 signals in Northern Ireland. During my tour it was decided that a group of us would be sent across to Faslane on the West Coast of Scotland for a week of adventure training.
That week was probably one of the funniest weeks in my whole life.
It started on the ferry over .. the sea was pretty rough and you have never in your life seen so many green looking women in one place at the same time. A few dragged themselves up on board to share their breakfast with the creatures of the deep. The rest of us just sat below and groaned and rolled with the ferry.
Our accommodation was not actually in Faslane camp, it was up on top of a hill in old metal nissan huts, the round corrugated iron type, rustic wasn’t the word .. but it was reasonably dry and clean and the eight of us with the WRAC settled in to our temporary accommodation.
We were surrounded by sheep, which initially we thought was cute .. our thoughts did change when one morning we couldn’t open our door (it opened outwards). One of the sheep had died during the night right outside .. we were trapped .. 8 serving army women, trapped by one dead sheep. Eventually we did manage to get out, I have vague memories of someone skinny squeezing out the door and pulling the dead sheep away so we could escape.
But is this the end of the sheep story .. oh no .. not by far.
Blod, to make us laugh, decided it would be really funny to grab a clump of its wool and stick it down her knickers giving her a woollen merkin of giant proportions. Oh how we laughed.
Oh how we laughed even more when it transpired that Blod had managed to get sheep ticks in her “floo floo” and had to spend an hour in the bath, legs over each side, with tweezers pulling them out … it probably didn’t help that most of us were hanging over the top of the bathroom partition taking photographs of the scene. Poor Blod, she didn’t live that down for ages .. and will probably kill me for posting this on here!
The next day we set off on a 24 hour march .. with an overnight stay in tents halfway. The picture above is our group finishing the end of the march… sore feet and a bit smelly .. me particularly so … the reason will become apparent below.
When our group of 4 set off we initially had all our kit in rucksacks and they weighed a ton … off we set .. uphill .. it was a killer, everytime we thought we were reaching the top there was another high bit behind it. We stopped for a quick water break and rest. Being of the highest intelligence <cough> I decided instead of taking my rucksack off I would rest it on a gate post. Great idea. Well… it would have been if the gate post hadn’t given way and I ended up on my back arms and legs flailing like a stuck tortoise! .. luckily the girls helped me up (after falling about laughing) and off we set once again.
Very soon we came to a high level flat moor .. easy walking .. I was walking alongside Blod, she was on the path, I was walking across the moor grass at the side of the path, when suddenly I sank, right up to my knees in this smelly quagmire that stank… Blod helped me out (again after laughing) and I turned round (while walking backwards) to shout to the girls behind about what had happened to me .. suddenly I sank again .. this time right up to my waist.. if it hadn’t been for the rucksack I would have probably gone right under …
This time it took the other 3 girls and our instructor to pull me out and I was stinking … really really stinking … no-one would walk beside me <lip quivering at the memory> .. and I had to endure the wet slimy clothes for the rest of the walk until we reached camp.
When we did reach there I was ordered to walk into the loch and stay there until I was clean .. so not only did I have to suffer being stinky, I then had to freeze!
Thankfully it worked.. and my clothes dried quickly by the campfire, which we gathered round to cook our rations of baked potatoes and beans.
Blod and I took our dinner back to our tent and ate it there.
In the morning I was awoken by Blod calling me all the names under the sun with the words “dirty bastard” flung in there too .. “what is it” I mumbled … “YOU” she shouted “have shit just outside the tent door” “No I didn’t” I spluttered back, as I looked out the door …. and there lay the burnt potato skins of the previous night ..
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 