Brae. A gay woman's tale!

The natural compassion of a child

The link above will (hopefully!) take you to a video of a small Nepalise boy and his reaction to the imminent sacrifice of his goat … don’t worry .. it doesn’t happen … and his actions make the adults reconsider their habits.

Compassion is something that cannot be taught.  People either are, or not…  anyone can make a decision to “donate” to a charity .. but how many actually care.

Before the referendum in Scotland there was a huge demonstration of bags of food being left for foodbanks .. how many of these people, probably much better off than me, have ever donated again?    My bet is not a lot.

I have also witnessed people treat animals badly .. not because they are cruel people but because they lack compassion… I once witnessed someone I knew hit her dog because it pooped on the pavement and SHE didn’t have any bags.   I have witnessed someone fling stones at a Highland Cow to get it to turn round just so she could take a photo…. not major cruelty by any means .. but those actions, in those seconds, spoke volumes.

Compassion, or lack of, can only be found in our actions… and it extends much further than just being something temporary to make a point, or to be something we are noticed for.

It should be a natural way of thinking – with compassion comes understanding, with understanding comes acceptance, with acceptance comes peace, with peace comes love.

Compassion should be our priority. Always.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately … well, perhaps not soul searching … more “relationship thinking” …

A couple of months ago one of my best friends nagged me to join some dating sites … until I gave in and did…. I have “met” some lovely people on there .. all of whom have the great possibility of being long term friends .. and I hope each and everyone of them becomes that.

As for romance .. nope .. and I know the reason is me … I am simply fed up and a bit “scunnered” (as we say in Scotland!) of relationships that never turn out to be what you hope they would be.

I have heard ALL the stories … I have listened to all the words .. and I have seen actions that never back them up…  I have been lied to, lied about … and put up with being used as a temporary measure for the benefit of someone else.  On the other hand .. some relationships have just fizzled out .. usually after a lot of years, some have never really begun before I (or they) realised that friendship was the way forward … some have just been something I should never have become involved in, because I knew that it had no legs to go long term .. my fault .. not theirs.

BUT .. saying that .. in a way I’m glad of all the experiences I have had … because of it all I have learned many lessons .. I know that no-one can bring me happiness .. that is something I have to find in myself, I know that words can be false, it is the actions of someone that tell the truth, and I know that not everyone is capable of listening to the little things … therefore have no hope in hell of listening to the things that really worry me.  A relationship, to me, isn’t built on hugs and kisses .. it is built on truth and respect and the ability to listen and speak about emotions and the stupid stuff in equal measures.

My life is very different to what it was .. I have a career that I truly love .. I have a home where I truly find my peace of mind and heart .. and I know that if I never end up in a relationship again, then it is no big deal .. I am happy, I am content .. and I have a wonderful family and family of friends …

I am very lucky .. and I know it ..  I have some wonderful memories of women past … but none of them were ever destined to be on the same path as me .. I have no idea where my path will go .. perhaps I am destined to stay as I am .. perhaps it will lead me into the arms of someone … who knows ..  I intend to “just be” …

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

wow … not something I wrote .. but certainly wish I did!!

Are we honest enough to own up to our imperfections?

Are we open enough to accept and embrace them?

Sadly for many this seems an impossibility.   I see posts on various sites stating all the good points about someone, yeah that’s great .. but what I want is someone who knows their faults and owns them.  Accepting them and being responsible for them, instead of blaming others.

I see posts all the time from people looking for their “perfect woman” … such a thing does not exist .. it is not our perfections that make us compatible with another .. but our imperfections that match.

When you build a wall, the bricks are staggered, they are not perfectly lined up to match.  It is the staggering of these bricks that give the wall strength.   A relationship is no different.

I have just returned from a short break in Benidorm .. 3 nights in the company of 28 other ex army women …

I haven’t laughed so much in a long, long time … at one point I had to give up eating my dinner because I laughed so much (perhaps copious amounts of vodka and cava had something to do with it!)

I really enjoyed my wee break .. It was my first visit to Benidorm and we stayed in the old town .. I didn’t have too much time to explore as we also had a full day trip to Valentia .. which also was beautiful .. I really want to return to both.. and it was lovely to be able to sit in the sun after the awful weather we have been having here in Scotland (I still have my heating on and it is the 3rd of June!)

I shall let the pictures speak for themselves ….

Today I officially fit into my size 16 jeans (skinny one’s at that!) … still big I know .. but considering I was a size 24 .. Im pretty damned pleased .. a lot of hard work, and, unbelievably, exercise has got me here … and the difference is quite noticeable .. even just from my face…  still have a long way to go yet (another 2 stone!) but slowly but surely Im getting there .. and quickly running out of clothes!! So far 10 suits have been flung out .. and no doubt a few more will go yet ..  Im even considering changing my hair (which I never do!) so letting it grow a bit so I can have a choice of what I do with it .. and I’m beginning to look less like my dad!!

thank you

I am very lucky in life.

Okay there have been times when I had to battle to find my way and out of a feeling of nothingness that proved to be a hard time .. but a good lesson for me … but on the whole, my life has been great and it is certainly one to celebrate.

What has made my life so special is the wonderful friendships I have made over the years .. some friendships go back all the way to my school days … others not as long, but just as meaningful.

There have been people in my life who have taken without giving, but in all honesty, we have probably all done that at some point .. they don’t matter to me, as much as I don’t matter to them.

Who does matter to me are the people that I trust and respect.. and there are a lot of them… and I hope that each and everyone of them knows how much they mean to me.

I have laughed with them, cried with them, had a drink too many with them and they have listened to me during my darkest times when I have been hurt at the actions and words of others.

They have stood by me as I fell and let me pick myself up, dust myself down and get on with things in my own time but they have always been there in the background, and I knew it.. and appreciate it.

I respect all of them for who they are.. and I know they respect me, even if they do not always agree with me!, but that is what friendship is all about… and each of them knows that if I have something to say .. I will say it .. and I really appreciate when they are up front and honest with me (even if I do not agree!!) *smile*

I find it incredible that some people just do not understand or perhaps appreciate what friendship is all about, they bounce from one set of friends to another.. I call them “barren hearts” … and I’ve had a few in my life over the years .. but as age creeps up, so does a realisation that not everyone will stay in your life, for various reasons… others will come into your life and never leave, no matter how far apart you are.. or how often you see them.

I guess that is what friendship is .. Truth, Loyalty and Care  … TLC … not just Tender Loving Care … but much, much more!

Thank you my friends … each and every one of you!

I’m not very well today .. I wasn’t very well yesterday but hoped it would pass overnight .. well something passed overnight (a few times!!).. but it wasn’t this bug!

I had a lovely wee weekend lined up .. a day of gardening then out tonight with my great pal Barbara Anne .. all of which has now been cancelled.

My problem is that even though I feel a bit “squiffy” (and a bit tired because I didnt sleep much last night!) .. that my brain is still wanting nonsense when my body is going “no, be sensible” .. my concern is that is I am rarely sensible .. and can convince myself that ANYTHING is a good idea …  but today I will be tough on myself .. rest, lie around, be pathetic and demand sympathy from my dog etc etc …

…. but you are responsible for how you deal with it.

I was given that advice when I was going through a break up of a relationship many years ago .. and it is something that has made more sense to me as I grew older.

I know at the time I felt my world was shattered .. even though I knew the relationship was toxic .. not just for me .. but for my ex too … it wasn’t healthy .. it never would be.

But when it ended (not my doing) … I found myself tortured by the “what if’s” and the “if only’s” … and in reality it was not my ex that continued to hurt me for so long .. but myself… and it took me a long time to realise this.

Sometimes acceptance of a break up seems impossible, it is a pain that strikes deep into us .. and can hurt us more than the death of someone we love because it is so personal…. and because of this we place ourselves in a position where the “torture” of the hurt becomes a comfortable place .. an important place .. as it is the only thing we still have that emotionally ties us to the person we loved.

We cannot help who we fall in love with as much as we cannot help who falls in love with us.   From personal experience I know I have dated some lovely women .. and some have hurt me .. and some I have hurt  .. but what keeps me with someone is not how attractive someone is or what they have .. but how we connect and how “safe” I feel with regard to trust.  I need to be able to talk to someone, I mean really talk and know they are listening.

These emotions are not something we choose, not something we can force .. they just are… but what we forget is not everyone has the same depth of emotion or the same character that we have … and when things fall apart we are often left questioning ourselves .. and asking for answers that in reality we will never get.

A friend of mine told me the other night that I need to “get out there and start dating again” … but the reality of the situation is that there is no-one I want to date .. there is no-one who can give me the peace and safety that I know I need … I find that in myself when I am alone ..

…. and this is where the twist begins … I was sick of relationships, of all the shallowness and drama and basic lack of respect and with the added pressure of setting up my new career, I took an active decision to stay single.

Then just when I wasn’t expecting it ….I did meet someone online.. we started talking because I simply liked her smile  .. and the friendship developed over nine months .. and I found myself thinking “ooh I like you” .. and i told her … but she was very honest with me and told me she was relationship phobic.. and just wanted friendship.  Fair enough .. as I said above, you can’t help how you feel…. and I am old enough and wise enough to accept that… BUT .. there was still this little … “what if” that niggled at me.

Eventually, through circumstance a few weeks ago we did meet, and for me it was something I needed to do .. and I think, deep down, so did she.

We got on very well, as friends, I found her company easy and really enjoyed meeting her and we had dinner and a great evening .. in fact we met twice that weekend .. the second time at her request … and although I was disappointed that it was no more than friendship, I accepted it.. she is important to me and I would rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all…. and I did tell her that.

But for some reason that made her feel uncomfortable and that really was the last thing in the world I wanted .. so she decided to end all contact.

I did email her to ask what I had done that made her feel that she had to do this … I am horrified about it .. and a bit ashamed  … but .. she has not replied .. I doubt she ever will.

Am I hurt .. very … this situation has hurt me more than I can understand … but I have this feeling that I was being judged, not on who I am .. but on other people from her past… or perhaps from her present.

What can I do about it .. well, I have no idea … If I contact her again it would only make her feel more uncomfortable and I am not prepared to put her through that again.

So I took an active decision … whatever the problem is, I am sure it is not my doing … and for that reason, and that reason alone, it is time to close the chapter and move on … perhaps with my head slightly bowed … and take all of this as just another hard lesson learned…

And if by chance, the woman I am talking about ever reads this .. I wish you all the things I told you and I am truly sorry to have lost you out of my life.