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It was just a dream ..

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It was just a dream..

that slipped into my head when I least expected it

that took my breath away and made my heart smile

it was just a dream …

of taking your hand, walking together, surrounded by love

knowing it was me who gave you peace and made you complete

it was just a dream …

that I looked into your eyes, touched your skin

kissed your lips, made you smile

it was just a dream …

that you laid your head on my shoulder, kissed my neck

whispered your words of love, made my eyes close.

It was just a dream.

 

 

Back to reality..

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I’m home ..  brown, relaxed and happy.

Lesbos proved to be just what I needed to get over recent disappointments and confusion in my personal life and allowed me to see things clearly and put it all into perspective.

I really do wish there was someway of being able to have an extended holiday over there .. a couple of months there would be fantastic.   Maybe it is a wee plan I should work on .. we shall see!

I have to say thanks to the “long term” visitors to the island who made us feel so welcome and it was lovely to meet such friendly and interesting people.   I was also delighted to meet Mandy and Terri from Briticana  (www.briticanamusic.com) who entertained us in the bars and on the beach (lets not mention the skinny dipping!) with wonderful music.   They really are worth a listen too .. and their music will always stir wonderful memories for me.

The girls from the Rock Club make a huge effort to welcome new people into the group and even though I didn’t feel confident enough to swim to the rock (my fear of being harpooned by some Japanese whaling trawler being the main reason!) I thoroughly enjoyed my time at the Budda Bar in my role as cheerleader .. or chief coffee drinker!

We were also lucky enough to be taken under the wing of Pam Crosby who not only showed us her home and her puppies (the 4 legged type) but also some of the local area that we would never have discovered on our own .. she also introduced us to the biggest pork chops you have ever seen .. I didn’t see any pigs on the island but my gawd they must be bloody huge!

I am planning a return … unfortunately it won’t be this year due to other holiday committments but next year I will be there .. I may even try the swim .. we shall see ..  like life itself time will tell!

Closed for much needed holiday …

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Please leave your message after the tone   BEEEEEEEEEP!

This blog is officially closed until I return from Lesvos ..

We fly out on Thursday morning .. by Thursday lunchtime I will be on that beach!

I really can’t wait ..

.. I’m off to become a bronzed goddess!   (hmmmm… ok maybe I lie a little!)

 

 

Bovine faeces

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Sometimes you have to cry STOP!   Sometimes you have to let go, and say what is on your mind.. sometimes you have to be bloody honest.   Today has been one of those days for me.

I don’t know if I am seen as being stupid, or an easy touch .. but I am neither.  Sometimes I keep my mouth shut to have an easy life.

Now and again I say what I think, what I believe.

Never try to pull the wool over my eyes.  I am far wiser than I let on, I am joker and a fool for a reason.   My own reason that helps protect me from bullshit, lies and narcissism.

People sadly underestimate me… because I let them, but the wise and the honest  see right through me and they understand.  It is a shame that more people do not.

Revel in your pity, revel in your angst – my life has no room for either.

A look within …

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Fortytude is a book by Sarah Brokaw… I admit to not having read it (yet!) but the introduction makes me nod my head in agreement

“It takes courage to look within, but this is what we must do.  By examining ourselves closely and coming to a deeper understanding of what matters most to us as unique individuals, we can separate the societal messages from our own hearts’ calling, let go of ideas of what should be, and instead embrace what is.  You can take a stand and say proudly:  ‘This is who I am.”  Or, if you’re at a point where you’re reinventing your life, you can say:  ‘This is who I want to be – and I’m going to go for it!”  This process takes a kind of strength that I call ‘fortytude.’”   Sarah Brokaw.

I totally agree with her … as someone who has met, shaken hands and said goodbye to my forties it proved to be a time for me when I came of age, when I finally accepted me, my faults and discovered the depth of strength that I have.

As I have entered my 50’s, with little grace or delicacy, I have realised that I have made little impact on the world, nor do I really want to.

I have changed as a person, I’m less wild these days.  I do still speak my mind and I know that I always will.   Not everyone will like that, but that is not my problem.

My fifties are where I finally have become the person I am happy with.     I did for a short while think I wasn’t .. I thought there were parts of me that had to change then I realised the key word there .. “change” ..  it wasn’t me who felt the need for me to change, but someone else.    They wanted me or needed to be someone I am just not.

Changes would have meant me sacrificing part of me to make someone else happy.  That is not the point of life and far too big a responsibility for me to undertake.

Happiness and change should come from within not from outside forces.  Let’s face it .. no matter how perfect we claim to be none of us actually are.   Nor should we ever wish to be.   It is our faults who make us human and as imperfect as we are it is normally the imperfections in someone we are interested in.

Leave the drama at the door

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I’m at the age where my priorities and outlook from what I want from life are much more simple and less “idealised” than what I wanted in my youth.

I no longer want to conquer the world or be a millionaire, I no longer envy what other people have because I have everything in my life that makes me contented and happy.  I would like to share this with someone.

I don’t want a partner to change or rock my world, I just want someone who understands me and my life. I simply want to keep being contented and have someone who makes me smile, understands my need for “me time” and doesn’t expect me to be the reason for their happiness or security.

I want a partner who has a life, enjoys her life, lives her life and has space in it to share some of her time with me and to look forward to our shared time together.

A relationship has to be a shared experience, not always 50/50 as sometimes one or the other will need support and understanding but it has to work both ways.

I don’t want to be rushed into things or made to feel guilty about parts of me and my make up that I have accepted and don’t want to change. I do not want to be changed, I simply want to be me, with someone who is comfortable in their own skin and life and someone that is happy to have me in their life to compliment it .. not to make it.

I want honesty, reliability and affection.  I want to compromise, not give in.   I want to laugh, not worry.

Too much to ask for?  You tell me..

How others see us…

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O, wad some Power the giftie gie us

To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
An’ foolish notion.
What airs in dress an’ gait wad lea’e us
An’ ev’n Devotion 

Robert Burns

Stop.

Sometimes in life we just have to stop.   Look around, weigh things up and be honest with ourselves.

I have always said that I have at last found myself and I truly believe I have.

Behind me I have a life that I have lived to the full.   I have achieved a lot, lost a lot, laughed a lot and cried a lot.

I have lived and I wouldn’t change a thing.

My way’s are not always right for other people but they are right for me.

If I was asked to describe myself in 10 words they would be

  1. Friendly
  2. Honest
  3. Open
  4. Grumpy
  5. Loving
  6. Kind
  7. Fat
  8. Impatient
  9. Sorted
  10. Lesbian
But I stress this is how I see ME!  … I would love to see how others see me .. be honest .. no offence will be taken .. honest!

Should you fight for love?

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I was speaking to a friend last night who was asking my advice (I know .. I laughed too!) ..  

Her “problem” was that she had met someone who she really liked but the relationship is not going smoothly.  The girl who she has met was honest with her from the start and said she was not looking for a serious relationship and was dating other people.

My friend however, wants to take this relationship to a new level.  She asked me whether she should lay her cards on the table and fight for this.

My first instinct was to tell her that she had to sit down and talk to her “friend” but on reflection I think I may have given her the wrong advice.

Relationships have to be a two way thing, both of you need to put effort in.  A one sided relationship never works and the person putting the most effort in is usually the one who gets hurt.

I have twice fought to keep a relationship going, once I lost, once I thought I had won.  In reflection I never won.  It ended up being a relationship where I felt I was the one putting all the effort in with no emotional or physical return and in the end I just gave up.   In hindsight I was wrong to fight, I should have just let it go and moved on.

Maybe I’m too cynical these days to fight, maybe I’m just tired, I don’t know.  What I do know is that no matter how good you are at fighting in the end you will lose.

I know that there are women out there who like to be fought for.  What that says about their insecurities and their emotional maturity needs a wiser woman than me to work out but I know that I would never again want to be with a woman who made me fight for her.

Cynical or wise?   I’m not sure!

Comments for and against welcome!

Expectation and Acceptance

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photo by hto2008

All of us have expectations from life, love and ourselves that we try to accomplish and reach every day of our lives.

From the moment we are born we are in a world where expectations of us, by us and by others effects everything we do, every decision we make and every moment we breathe.

As we meander down our path of life we will often fall short of these expectations, whether we choose to or inadvertently do so.  This is life.

 

 

This is the wonderful crazy world we live in where expectations will lead to disappointment in reality.

As people, the pressure of expectation from others but more importantly from ourselves is the driving force that pushes us ahead in life, keeps us going, keeps us human.

We will never receive all we expect from life or from someone and the balance between expectation and acceptance can be a battle that will never be won.

When we can accept that we will never reach all that is expected of us, professionally or emotionally then the world seems a much friendly place.

Not everyone will accept that their expectation of us is unrealistic, not everyone will accept differences but that is their attitude and one thing that we cannot expect to change, we just have to accept it.

I know that from previous experiences in life that I have often failed peoples expectation of me and more importantly what I have expected from myself. There is little I can about this apart from accept it.    I realised today that throughout all my previous relationships and failures the one common factor in this is me.

I have two choices now .. do I beat myself up about it, or accept it for what it is?

I have decided to accept it.   The past is in the past, I cannot change it and, in a way, I really do not want to.   I have learned lessons that will allow me to continue to evolve as the imperfect person that I am.

I am happy to accept that.

With thanks to Facebooks Ena Sharples!

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I posted a blog earlier this week and one of the comments I had back rang a note with me that I felt I should share.

Funny enough I have been described in the past as being “a tree” .. maybe it’s because of my twigs …

“Sometimes we can choose the path we take and so can accept the consequences easily. Sometimes a chain of events beyond our control forces us onto a path which we would not have normally walked and so facing those consequences is much harder and leaves a much bitter taste in the mouth.
Whichever path we walk and whatever the outcome we learn….. the more difficult the path the more significant the learning. This learning eventually takes us to a place we like to be and want to be…our comfort zone! That lovely, squidgy, warm, snuggly, happy, safe, secure nest that we all want to live in and stay in is strongly built of twigs and sticks, each of these twigs and sticks has a name – sadness, anger, failure, abuse, difficult, hurt, lonely, pain, ill, loss, grief and so on but because of these negative aspects of life we are able to recognise and access the staggering beauty, fun, colour, community and peace that is the wonderful world we all live on!”

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