After all my thinking and analysing over Christmas I have come to a few conclusions  that I decided to blog about .. I think I will make this blog truthful, brutal and probably a little controversial (ooh.. that sounds like me!!)

I have realised that I have become something that I never thought I would ever be .. a Cynic.      Not just about love… I’ve been cynical about that for years .. but I mean about life .. I was always such an achiever .. a believer .. a lover of life and everything that it holds … and somewhere I have lost this .. I know I worry too much now, I take something that is good and start to worry about it .. to the point where all the bad stuff I think may happen DOES happen because I let it, because I expect it.

I don’t think this is particularly because of anyone else.. it is because of me .. I don’t trust myself, don’t believe in myself like I used to .. I am full of doubt at times, which is NOT a good thing.

I never really “let myself go” any more .. I don’t allow myself to fall deeply in love, because it will eventually hurt if I do .. I don’t allow myself to feel free because of the restrictions I put on myself.  I am scared to live the dream incase I wake up.

I am, in the words of a Fifer, .. an erse!

The trials and tribulations of the last year have made me stop this Christmas, take time out for me, to allow myself to think of what has happened, what I suffered, what I survived and the realisation that it was ME that put MYSELF under pressure.

2013 is going to see a change in attitude … the people I have in my life at the moment are the people I want to be there .. I am putting my worries and my cynicism away .. I am going to throw caution to the wind and bloodywell live, laugh and love as much as I possibly can!

I look around at some of my friends and I see exactly the same traits in them … we are weary and cynical .. but we are still standing … if we are still standing .. then we are winning!

To hell with 2012 … bring on 2013!!

Have a great new year everyone!