Brae. A gay woman's tale!

This is not quite true… there have been no “wrong people” in my life… at the time each was exactly what I wanted at that time.

Sometimes the liaisons were short… some lasted longer, but as it stands right now, no one stayed.

Sometimes this was my decision, sometimes not.

I have hurt people… and I have been hurt…. but would I change anything?… nope, not one single thing.

Each person has taught me something… either about myself.. or about them.. and through it all I have learned much about myself and what I want.

I have loved people on different levels, only a very few touched my heart… and each of them know exactly who they are.

I know what I “need” (I hate that word!)… I know what I will put up with… and what I won’t!… and learned that hindsight is a wonderful thing.

For those that have left my life… I wish you peace and happiness… for those of you who have loved me as a friend and been there when the waves crashed in…and still wanted me in your life… thank you… and I hope you know how much I appreciate you.

For those I have yet to meet… well… I hope I make you smile.

So… Regrets… no, not one… and I look forward to my next lesson.

The whole situation around Alice Alice is causing me a bit of frustration at the moment … so far I have lost out on two holidays, including a trip to Lfest in Llandudno, that I was really looking forward to.

To be honest, I feel a bit trapped.   I look outside and Alice Alice is sitting there, but since she is not roadworthy I cannot drive her anywhere and having to follow the correct procedures as advised by Citizens Advice is just making things drag on and on … and I am not one known for my patience!

I know, that this time, I have to follow the law … but I have a feeling that it will come down to me having to pay for repairs to be done and then attempt to claim the money back … so she will either cost me more or I end up selling her and losing money.

Alice Alice was bought to give me some peace and hope after the break up of a relationship … but now I see her as just part of the pain that it all caused and Im really not sure I want to keep her… perhaps it would be better to just take it on the chin and walk away.

On the other hand, I want the freedom to just go … find a quiet beach or viewpoint and be able to sit with wee Sprout and just relax … and because of the many gay women camping groups that I am a member of, I will have the opportunity to meet new friends.

Maybe the whole Alice Alice thing goes deeper than I am aware … she isn’t just a motorhome, but the symbol of my new life and freedom … and perhaps my lack of sleep is more to to with the fact that although I am ready and willing to move on … I feel stuck and unable to do so because of the problems with her.

I have this wee dream of sitting at a beach, as the sun slowly sinks in the horizon, drinking wine around a wee fire and holding hands with someone special … feeling happy, calm and wanted … but at the moment all I can see is a can of petrol, a motorhome in flames and me dancing naked around it cheering …. *sigh*

There are times when a good nights sleep is impossible to find.

Often this is due to my mind just refusing to switch off and I have spent many a night just lying quietly in the dark trying to stop my thoughts.

The weird thing is, at the moment I feel quite peaceful… ok, there is the hassle of my motorhome to sort out, but that will be sorted in time, so it isn’t that.

I have found peace with the pain I felt when my ex and I split… so it’s not that.

I am quite happy and settled… there is nothing “bothering” me… and I can’t understand why I am finding it so difficult to sleep for more than two or three hours at a time.

I guess I will just have to”go with the flow”… and let my body and mind dictate to me… in the mean time I need to figure out how to cover the bags under my eyes!!