Brae. A gay woman's tale!

It is the wee things that are important to me, the quiet times that need no words.

The times when the world sleeps and I lie awake just watching my lover sleep, gently reaching out to just touch her…. and feeling the comfort of that touch give me peace.

It’s feeling her spoon against my back, her arm flung casually over me.

It’s the laughter, the whispers, the frowns, the smiles, the planning, the sharing, the excitement and joy in an achievement.

It’s the comfort of her arms when life is tough, the feel of that touch that calms and soothes me.

It’s a smile in the morning when she opens her eyes and the smile on her face when as she falls asleep.

It’s the peace in my heart to love and be loved.

Yes, it’s the wee things… just the wee things that are so hard to find.

As people go, I am as ordinary and as different as everyone else.   I have my quirks, my expectations and my limits, that once crossed spell the end of friendship or relationships.

I really don’t feel I expect too much from people, honesty, reliability and a shared outlook on life… someone who challenges me, argues with me but loves me all the same.

As I have grown older, I have learned to tolerate less bullshit from people.   I understand that everyone has their own little foibles and that is fine and I am certainly prepared to stand by someone to help them if they want my help,  but for some, their foibles become a much bigger problem, and not something I want to be part of.

We all expect different things from  relationships, whether as friends or lovers, but trust is the major part of any sort of relationship.  When you realise that other people are being lied to, you know in your heart that you are also being lied to.

Although we don’t like to think it, none of us are that special that we can change ingrained behaviour in someone, no matter how much we want to believe them.

A liar will always be a liar, a cheat will always be a cheat … those type of people have such fluid boundaries that they move to suit their own needs, and nothing we can do will bring those boundaries back to suit our own.

Our judgement of people, can be misled by our own needs and wants, we overlook, we forgive and we put up with things that are unacceptable to us, because of the way we feel.  Unfortunately, this understanding and forgiveness is not always given in return.

I do not want a complicated life, I do not want to view life from the bottom of a bottle, I don’t want to ever believe that sex is a measurement of love.

I want someone independent, who is happy with their life, with quirks that make them unique rather than being a problem.  I want peace, I want quiet, I want to be content.

I really did think I had found the person, that gave me all that, but I realise now I overlooked so many problems that should have given me warning signals … but they didn’t… and I have only myself to blame for that.

Perhaps I am now too set in my ways to accept anything less than I want… but that is ok with me.  I have a good life, a happy life, with plenty of friends and freedom to do what I want.

A recent wee dalliance into the world of dating, made me realise that perhaps being single is the best way for me to be.

I am not prepared to sacrifice any of my expectations, I am not prepared to be emotionally blackmailed and made out to be  the bad person because I simply will not put up with someone else’s bad behaviour.  I will not be a secret and hidden away… and I will not be the one who always has to compromise.

I cannot stand weak people, in reality these people are rarely as weak as they  want you to believe, they are manipulative, liars and controlling and have no part in my life.

Life is all about learning and moving on, trusting my own journey to take me wherever I am meant to be.  Sometimes this journey is not easy, but it is mine … and even if it means I grow old alone with my wee Sprout, so be it.  It will be a happy life even then.

I do not “need” anyone to make my life complete, I do not “need” the company of others to make me like myself, I already like myself for who I am, faults and all.

That is who I am… love me or hate me, it really doesn’t matter to me… I can stand alone against any storm because I have been broken so many times, I know how to repair myself and no-one or nothing will keep me down.