Just how it is

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… and this is where I am …

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To become …

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It is a strange experience when you fall out of love with someone you thought you would love forever.  Suddenly you see their flaws and their faults and think “why the fuck did I put up with that” … sometimes you make too many compromises, sometimes not enough … it is never an easy thing to balance.

I have sometimes given the “benefit of doubt” much more and for much longer than I should have because I simply forget that not everyone thinks the same way I do.

I have learned that when I have had enough of something to just withdraw from it … no arguing, no fighting … just walk away and don’t look back and it has sometimes been very difficult to do, but the right thing for me.

I have thought I was loved, when I wasn’t, thought I was doing the right thing, when I obviously wasn’t.. but you live and learn.

Last year was probably one of the toughest in my life, everything I touched went wrong, sometimes my fault, sometimes not … but it was just once big calamity after another and at times I just wanted to lock myself away…. so I did.   It gave me time to think, to analyse (which wasn’t always easy) and realise that the only person I can truly trust is myself.

I know me, I need to learn to love me and not put up with crap from others, that I sometimes do.

I am a strong woman, I know when to stand up for myself and I don’t take crap, but when it comes to my love life, I put up with much more than I should.

I am on a couple of dating sites again … but more with half a heart than really committed to finding someone new … I want to start with me.

Sometimes you have to hit the lowest of lows to be able to build yourself back up again and I have done … after all my analysing I realised I had wasted too long on someone who was just biding time … I didn’t deserve that and I know that.

My efforts are now being put into me, I have a new lease of life with my back improving (not yet perfect but a hundred times better!) … and I am approaching losing my first stone in weight … I intend to lose three more.

I am going to exercise classes some evenings and I have just joined a gym, where I can swim, take classes and have a work out in the gym … as well as going on the sunbeds!

I intend to get what I want from life.   Stability, Peace and Love … and that all has to start with me.  I don’t want short term relationships to boost my ego, or fill a gap.  Im too long in the tooth for that crap and so on Friday, instead of lamenting over the loss of a false love, I will celebrate the fact that I have the freedom to become.

And I will.

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