Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Over the past week or so, life has begun to fall into place again.  The pain and hurt that I felt have slipped away and I can see things in a clearer light and people for they are.

Letting go is never easy, suddenly your partner and best friend is gone, you are no longer in their life and you are replaced as easily as a broken mug.

But…acceptance does eventually come, and for me it was helped along by an email I recently received.  It made me realise that some people will deny the truth to play the victim and just added to the list of “I wonder if that was true” questions that I already had.

Suddenly, I am sleeping well again and the excitement of what the future might bring and all the plans I have made already are making me really smile.

Letting go is always hard, but sometimes it is a little thing like an email that gives you the key.

It is time for changes, now I have ripped up my list of “what if’s” and cleared my emotional junk, it is time to tackle the physical junk … and start afresh with a smile on my face!

Here’s to letting go, the biggest piece of freedom you can ever have!

I ventured into the shed at the back of the summerhouse again today … my brother was here putting up my owl light that the Wirral girls bought for me… and some metal bunting lights that my lovely neighbour Carol bought at Christmas.

I really need to have a clear out of the shed … I have a tent and loads of camping gear that I need to go through and sort out, to work out what to keep and what to sell.

I have decided to keep the folding bikes … I have a bike rack on the back of Alice Alice so may as well take the bikes with me when I go away … I’m a wee bit limited with how far I can walk because of the muscles that tighten in my back …  so at least I can go a wee bit further with the bike!

To be honest I have no idea what is in the shed … no doubt I will find out when I start “howking” about … hopefully I will make a start this weekend and do a little each evening till I have it sorted.

I also need to have a good clear out of my drawers and wardrobes … they are full to overflowing and hard decisions have to be made! … I am a bit of a clothes hoarder .. I have 2 drawers of t-shirts and only wear the same 4 or 5 … time to be tough with myself and benefit a charity shop!

I also want to get rid of the shoe rack in my office and have a wee rearrange … I need to chuck shoes away (I am also a bit of an Emelda Marcos) …I have dozens of pairs of shoes and I only wear about 6 pairs of them! … again … be strong Ms Johnson … be strong!

Yup, that is a pep talk for me … I can do it, I know I can … really … I will … honest!

I had an appointment with Suzanne to have my hair cut today.  She comes to the house and I was nearly prepared for her coming.

The other day I dismantled Sprout’s cage … and when Suzanne arrived, Sprout would not leave her in peace!

I resorted to flinging Sprout out the back garden and closing the door.

Everything was going great … until CRASH BANG WALLOP … and there was Sprout, legging it in from the kitchen ….

I have a window (on a security lock) that I leave open for the cats to come and go as they please … and Sprout let herself back in this way!!

It seems this dog really is Houdini!!

Came home to a message from one of my army pals .. says it all really.

Life is a funny old thing … there are great highs and great lows… but then there is this place in the middle where things just bumble along and you put up with things that normally you wouldn’t because you believe that things will change in the future.

I have recently made this mistake, and perhaps fooled myself a little because I genuinely loved someone and tried hard to make excuses for them.   I was wrong and sadly ended up being very badly hurt.

I had to take time out to lick my wounds, and believe me, they were raw…. but time passes and realisation and the actions of others make you realise that things are not as bad as they seem.

I have always valued trust and honesty, it is a major thing for me … and that was sadly lacking.

There were many warning signs, that I chose to ignore … and in hindsight I was wrong to do that … I tried to be understanding but have to now accept it was all a load of twaddle …but que sera sera … you live and you learn.

My life is moving on … new adventures will be had … and the world is now full of wonder instead of pain.  I am no longer “stuck” because of the inaction of someone else.

The last link has been cut and, just like my gold chain, instead of trying to have it repaired, it is time to invest in a new one.

… and today is no exception.

I have decided that it is time for Sprout to become a “big girl” … and her cage has been dismantled and put out in the summerhouse!

To be fair I have only used it once in the past month when the boiler repair man was here and she was trying to jump on his back when he was sitting on the floor trying to fix the boiler!

I have been building up to today since the day I got her … my old dog, Brae, lovely as she was, could not be left in the house at all … which caused a wee bit of a problem when I had to pop out to work.  Thankfully my mum would take her.

Sprout is a completely different type of dog … although to be fair to her, it is because she is still a pup (6 months), and to be honest, just too much for my mum at 81, to handle.

So, slowly I have been leaving her out of her cage for short periods of time when I had to go out.  If it was for a longer period, my brother would pop in and let her out for a pee and now she is quite happy to be left alone for a few hours.

it was funny taking her cage down… stupid mutt was trying to get in it as it was being folded down and she followed me all the way to the summerhouse (and is standing outside the summerhouse looking in at the moment!) … thankfully she is not barking at her own reflection!

Let’s just hope I haven’t made this judgement in haste! …. time will tell!

Last night I spent a long time on the phone with my friend Karen.  We are still trying to sort out a motorhome meet up in the Lake District for later this month but have been chatting about a couple of sites that would be suitable for us (and our dogs!).

We were good friends when I lived in Croydon and when I moved back to Scotland, Karen came up for visit in 2000… that was the last time we met up together!

Both of us couldn’t believe it was that long and a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then … as well (in my case) a lot of weight around my middle and my blonde streaks have turned to natural gray!

We have talked about some of the “old times” and laughed our heads off at the nonsense we used to get up to… we are older now, can’t say much wiser, but I’m sure that later this month we will be laughing our heads off once again!

Sometimes friends fall by the way, through no-one’s fault … just life and distance … but it is always there.   True friendship will always reignite no matter how long you are apart, because it is based on true care, honesty and trust.   Sadly, not all friendships are strong and people do come and go from your life forever, but that’s ok.  The one’s who are meant to be in your life will always be there, and I know I am lucky to have some wonderful people in my life.