It’s been a strange (in a good way) few weeks. Although my mobility is definitely worsening, my little boot scooter had opened up my world again…. And just being able to get out and about without being in real pain (and crabbit), suddenly the worlds my oyster again… well up to 10 miles of it before I have to recharge my scooter battery!
Today I had a great trip to Scone Palace for PotFest (of the ceramic type)… it was great!!… although my scooter driving skills were put to the test as I avoided knocking exhibits or people down!
After living under so much pain and stress for so long, it’s a fantastic feeling to realise that my stress and the frustration I held for my own capabilities (or lack of), have both just gone… I’m coming alive again. I like it.
I feel deeply and I think deeply. This is both a curse and a blessing.
I sometimes step back from delving deep into my thoughts and feelings, just leaving them lying dormant behind a wall of keeping myself busy so my thoughts and focus are on anyone or anything apart from me.
This is my self preservation. My comfort blanket that stops the hurt and sometimes negative thoughts and doubt from over whelming me.
I know I close down, I know I exist instead of live. I know all this, but still I do it, it’s my way.
Then something simple happens, a conversation with a kindred spirit, who understands what it is like to face deep thoughts… and suddenly my own deep thoughts don’t feel so overwhelming… and all of a sudden I can really think again… and it is not as scary or painful as I thought it would be.
The waves of hurt that used to crash down on me have ebbed… calm shores have returned and I’m so relieved.
Life still has much to offer and although I still doubt I have the emotional strength or will to ever want a partner or a relationship again, I realise that there are still great people out there that can touch my life in a special way and right now, that’s huge!
The last four years have been been life … and death changing.
After the heartache of losing a woman I loved with all my heart due to her lies snd cheating, I was a bit cynical about women and after having a couple of disastrous dates, I decided to give up and just stay single.
The day I went online to cancel subscriptions to a couple of lesbian dating sites, I noticed a message from a woman, who just happened to live locally.
To cut a long story short, we decided to meet for lunch at a local beach side cafe, in Aberdour. Ros had just come out of an abusive relationship and so we both had a lot of hurt and trust issues… but perhaps we recognised that the hurt of our pasts somehow bonded us… and our lunch meet became our first date!
Little did we know then that our journey together was going to be life changing, in more ways than one.
A year into our relationship, Lockdown happened and it was then that we decided that Ros should move in with me.
Just 6 months later, Ros was diagnosed with stage 3 endometrial cancer…. And so began a new journey.
Ros had to undergo a huge operation, that caused additional problems and caused a delay to her chemo and radiotherapy treatment. In the middle of all this her mum passed, and with the exception of just s few of her family, her relatives were downright disgusting. Ros came through this with dignity and strength, that left me in awe of her.
Then my mum became ill and eventually a place had to be found for her in a care home. Thankfully she settled in well and it was one less thing to worry about.
Unfortunately, my arthritis decided to make life even more difficult… and my mobility is now badly effected, leaving me only able to walk short distances with crutches.
Just after this happened, Ros’s cancer returned and this time it was terminal. Ros had asked me numerous times to marry her… I had always said no… but when she was told she was terminal, she gave me no choice and so in August 2022 we married in the hospice gardens. The next few months were a cycle of Ros coming home, being in tremendous pain, or drugged up to such a level that she couldn’t function. It was hard for Ros and hard for me… the emotions switched from sadness through frustration to anger and despair. The medication removed a huge part of reasoning but without it Ros was in agony.
Through all of this I was working full time, running her to appointments or visiting the hospice, all while trying to juggle the dogs and visiting my mum… and I found it tough.. both emotionally and physically. Sometimes I felt I was going to break, I had never found life so tough… then I stepped back and realised how selfish my thoughts were… and that is when the guilt started. I was tired, but Ros was dying. I was frustrated but she was scared… and I couldn’t do anything to fix that.
Ros passed peacefully in November. Myself, her niece Natalie and her gf Laura were by her side for days and nights… Ros didn’t wake for 4 days and when Ros did pass, it was in the middle of laughter… I like to think she could still hear us… and I tell everyone she died laughing, I like to think she did.
This is my photo tribute to the kindest, bravest and sometimes most annoying woman I knew… and loved.
Ros on our wedding day
When we first metOur last wee break away together to Duck Bay, Loch LomondMy friends and Ros’s ashes completing a sponsored walk she planned to doThe scattering of Ros’s ashes
I am very lucky with the friends I have. They listen to me, are honest with me and take a genuine interest in me as a person. They give me their time and give me the honest hard truth that sometimes I need to hear, whether I like it or not….
I had a discussion last night about my decision to stay single. My friend (an ex .. from many, many years ago), who is in a very happy relationship listened to me and gave me some advice that made me stop and make me think.
I look around at relationships I see, some are fabulous … but some … they are just for now … they will not last .. you can tell by the drama and the nonsense around them. These will end and for some, the whole cycle of drama and emotional highs and lows will start again. This is not what I want … I value peace and quietness in my life and I am not prepared to give that up.
The last big relationship I was in ended about 3 years ago. There was not one reason for it really .. we just had run our course and in my heart of hearts I knew our relationship had become more of a friendship than anything else. When I weighted it all up .. I did not want to be a “companion” and in all honesty I knew my ex (who was a lot younger than me) needed to go out there and really fill her heart .. we are friends and I genuinely care for her as a very good friend. I know that when I went through a really bad patch, she was was there, and carried me for many months. It is something I will not forget.
I also made new friendships through it … and these new friends along with my close old friends, helped me in ways that I can never repay.
I have also dated a few people since … with mixed results … some have ended with great friendships which is fab, but some have been a bit strange to say the least and have made me stop and think a lot about what I need (and don’t need!) in my life.
I have found it safer to lay my heart in the hands of the unobtainable .. my close friends will know what I mean by this, however I do know that in reality I use this as an excuse to avoid the dating scene because It has simply left me feeling used and lied to, and I really do not want that in my life.
Perhaps this will change … when I meet someone I feel close to … it is the emotional connection that wins my heart .. someone who can see my soul and understand it. Someone who is true and honest and has no secrets with me.
Does she exist …. I’m not sure … I know I am not easy, I am a lot deeper than I let most people see … so until then (if ever!) I will stay the way I am .. in my own little happy world where I find my peace.
We all feel the rise and fall of the waves of life at times.
I know I did for a major part of last year and it has really only been in the past couple of months that I have truly felt a bit more like me again.
I am certainly happier, I am certainly more at peace but I am still very tired for a lot of the time. Hopefully this will be sorted out soon.. I am sure it will.
In the meantime I have hit this lovely plateau of peace and relaxation that I am currently taking a wee rest in .. and I think I will for the forseeable future.
For all of you out there who are going through a stormy time, just hang on, it will blow past.. I promise … sometimes you need a storm to really focus on what is important to you.
There are cycles in life that, like the tide, ebb and wane. How we view ourselves and our confidence levels tend to go through these cycles, most of the time with just a little “irk” at the pit of our stomach that pass by as quickly as they appear.
For some the cycles can have a more dramatic and lasting effect. Often due to losing something we hold close to us, whether it be a job or a relationship we suddenly find ourselves floundering in no man’s land, afraid to let go of the past, too scared to take a step towards the future.
The process can be slow and painful, but it is a prison of our own making, our heart and mind turn against up, battling for control of our emotions.
Slowly .. like a seed our lives change, we begin to emerge from the darkness, into the light and all we need to begin to bloom is a little sunshine in our hearts, a little hope in our minds.
The cycles we go through are not always pleasant, and nor should they be. We learn far more about ourselves from the tough times we go through than the good times. We do not often question why we are happy, but we do question why we are not.
It is lovely to watch someone emerge from their darkness, to see them grow and bloom and become … to join the rest of us who can now tilt our heads to the sun and smile.
All of us, no matter how confident or outgoing we seem, have our demons that hold us back or stop us from really living how we want to live.
I have mine.
It is something that I have known for a while but I have tried to ignore it, in the hope that it will solve itself.
I am beginning to doubt that it will.
I have written before about how cautious I am with my heart, and I am. I know I made an error and gave it away too easily earlier in the year, only to have to quickly grab it back and wrap it up tightly again.
Perhaps too tightly.
I have friends. I have a lot of friends, wonderful, fun people who warm my heart and make me glad to have them in my life but sometimes, just sometimes … I feel alone …and the sad thing is, I am actually scared of NOT feeling alone, just incase it all proves to be fools gold again.
I like to think I am semi intelligent woman.. but In reality I allow myself to fool myself over affairs of the heart. Why I do this I have no idea .. hope, pride .. who knows .. but I have become so cynical that the thought of entering into a new relationship actually worries me.
I look around and I see disasters waiting to happen, I see people fall in and out of “love” with ultimate ease… and I just don’t understand.
Gone are the days of the little flutter of excitement at the “possibility” of something developing, gone are the days of flirting and the “challenge” .. now I just feel comfortable with the thought of friendship.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 