I have written about the subject of Depression many times in this blog and I know that is a subject that few understand, unless they have been touched by it in the past.
Many are embarrassed to talk about it … they are ashamed, feel that they are somehow not “normal” because of it. The truth is any of us can go through it .. sometimes only once, sometimes repeatedly .. but the result of our depression leaves us a different person. There is an old saying that ” when you come out of the other side you will not the the same person who walked into the storm” .. and this is true …
I like to think that I have only had depression once, but in reality this is not true. Many years ago I lost a business, my home and everything I had worked for … and looking back I know I went through it then… although at the time I didn’t realise I was depressed.. I was so used to feeling stressed that I did not have the common sense to see the difference between normal stress and depression.
You cannot explain to someone who has not gone through depression what it is like. The nearest I can get is that you lose the ability to feel anything. Occasionally you have a wee blip of something but you can’t sustain it. You just feel empty, worn out, you cannot deal with drama of any kind, and although you try to lead a “normal” life, you are in reality just going through the motions.
I was lucky, I had a couple of friends who could see what was happening to me .. and through being able to talk to them and my doctor, honestly and frankly, I began to find my feet again.
It wasn’t easy .. and I know my thoughts at the time swung wildly, the battle within was a struggle, a huge battle, but with the help of my friends I slowly won. Not in a great sudden burst of victorious celebration but in a gentle, peaceful, quiet way.
I knew things in my life had to change… and although it would mean sacrifices in more ways than one, I began to take the steps forward to a new life.
People talk about starting a “new chapter” in their lives … for me .. it is a whole new book.
I have taken time out .. to concentrate on me .. I am not foolish enough to think that by “having someone in my life” that my problems would be solved .. I knew that I had to find contentedness and peace within me before I could ever consider entering into a relationship other than friendship with anyone.
I know some people think I have been “brave” to start a new life at my age .. I am not brave, I am a bit of stubborn old fool, I refuse to let life and myself let me down!
As for the future, who knows, I am loving my new “vocation” … and I have been lucky that I met someone who turned a key in me, that let me see what love is really all about, and although this was not, and never will be anything else than a deep friendship, for that I am truly grateful.
I know I am lucky, my life has been a mix of great successes combined with a few spectacular failures and I do still have a wee niggle that I am a bit of a “liability” to consider being in a relationship but in the end I have found what a lot of people will never find .. contentment and peace… and perhaps, for me, that is enough.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 