Brae. A gay woman's tale!

These are words from my beautiful cousin Emma …. she lives in New Zealand and in October I am going over there to conduct her wedding to her wonderful woman Ange ….

I love this …

Lately I’ve been looking back, remembering lost loved ones, how I meet my friends, my family, the good and the bad, my childhood and the things that have given me great joy and the things that have pained me. I rejoiced in my good choices and frowned at my less than honourable moments! I was reminded of the people who inspire me and of the friends new and old, who have laughed and cried with me.
I decided a long time ago to never fear death; I had danced with it once too often! I never concerned myself with the “what if’s”, “the maybes”, “could haves” or the “can’t do’s”. I have with apparent ease accepted that life at some point comes to an inevitable end and that death was the unavoidable conclusion of a life well lived. But for reasons God only knows this morning I selfishly wondered why I had spent my life fighting battles, why I had waged war on wrong doing and why I had dedicated my life to serving others.
What had I achieved? The world was still a bad place right?
You see I never believed myself to be a fearful person; I was brave, strong, uncompromising in my beliefs and steadfast in the face of diversity. But today I was scared. Today I had forgotten why I do what I do. I started to question myself, had I done enough, been enough, given enough, believed enough. Loved enough! I wasn’t sure. If I hadn’t, was there enough time left to be better, to be stronger, and to be more caring, more forgiving or could I have the courage to simply stop worrying about it!
You see I recently meet someone who reminded me what it means to be passionate about the things you hold dear, someone who reconnected me with dreams I thought long lost. Talking with them reminded me of the things I am yet to do and rekindled old fires within me that I had let burnout. This has taken me out of my current comfort zone! Now I don’t regret meeting them, far from it. I am thankful. In a way, their life, passions and aspirations mirrored mine. But connecting with someone whom compels you to contemplate or review your life is not without it burdens!
If I have learned one thing in this life it is this. Bad things are always going to happen and most often to the nicest of people. People will hurt you but you can’t use that as an excuse to give up or to hurt someone back. Society condemns that which is different, that which threatens the “traditional” norms. Fear inhibits progress and hate prohibits freedom.
I have learned that forgiveness, unlike bitterness is never easy. Sometimes, people say things they don’t mean or do things they can’t take back. In turn we sometimes do the same. We’re all afraid of something! Me; I ‘m afraid of spiders, drowning, letting go of past hurts and on occasion not being wise enough! But I’ve learned this – It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or even where you’ve been, that forces you to keep marching on, its hope.
We all hope the grass is greener, or the next relationship will be better, or the next job will pay more, or the next move will leave all the other mess behind! It doesn’t!
I’m not saying you should stop hoping, simply accept the things that you have now are more likely to be the things you need rather than things you want! It’s not what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy, it’s what you believe makes you happy.
Life is complicated. It starts before you’re really ready, it continues while you’re still trying to figure it out and it ends just before you’ve finally nailed it! So go figure! We laugh. We cry. We smile. We stumble. We fall. We stand. We fail and we succeed. No one can ruin your day without your permission. Most people will be about as happy as they decide to be. Others can stop you temporarily but only you can do it permanently. Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will end up with. Success stops when you do. The biggest lie in life is the belief that if you get what you want, you’ll be happy. Most often what you need has been right there all the time and most often what you want doesn’t live up to expectations when you finally get it!
The best way to escape any problem is to solve it. Life is disposable to many, in reality it’s a gift. Treasure it. Precious moments don’t have any value, unless you share them with those you care for. Life really is a journey where the destination has not yet been decided! But if you don’t’ stat the strip it pretty blood obvious you won’t finish it either!
We often fear the thing we need the most. Love! Trust me it’s all you’re need but you got to work at it and it sure isn’t free! You have to earn it!
Not everyone is a doctor yet you can still save lives. Not everyone is a lawyer but you can still defend life, not everyone is a soldier but you can still protect life. Or, if that’s all a bit too hard just be yourself! Everyone is a hero to someone! Look for opportunities, not guarantees. Life is what’s coming, not what was. Success is getting up one more time every time you fall on your arse! When things go wrong; don’t go with them! Why follow a bad thing! I read somewhere that a person who questions the purpose of their life might be a fool for five minutes, but a person who doesn’t, is a fool forever. You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to either. Let it go!! Agree to disagree! Who cares! You don’t have to like every person you meet and they don’t have to like you! That’s life! Use your energy for more enjoyable pursuits!
Consider nothing impossible, treat possibilities as probabilities. Remember perfect doesn’t exist. If it did I wouldn’t be writing this! It’s so funny how we set such ridiculous boundaries in our live! Love takes practice, a lot of practice. Who better to practice with than those whom love you!! Life is a matter of choice and love sadly is well, challenging! So unless you make the effort it won’t find you! People have said I’ve changed quite a bit over time. The truth is I think this morning I finally realised I’m a grown up! I’m as scared and as clueless as the next person! I’m foolish, stupid and damn right obnoxious when I want to be! I accept you can’t always be happy. I begrudgingly accepted adulthood!
Let life unfold in its own way and in its own time! Forcing something that is resistant often ends up breaking! Thank God the cracks seemed to have held!!
Is it OK to be scared?……………………Hell yes! Here’s to being a grown up!