Brae. A gay woman's tale!

This is a happy and sad post all in one.

Yesterday I took the decision to block two people who no longer have a part in my life.

The first was a new “friend”, who tried to keep me as a dark little secret and who I know had lied to others about our “friendship”.

The second was my ex … as many of my friends know, I was deeply hurt by her actions, but after a few months of hurting and anger, we did seem to find our balance … I realised that I did not want her back … or, at the moment, have a “real life” friendship with her, simply because I would have found it difficult.

We did seem to fall into an online friendship, mostly just by messages, until I suddenly realised I was being open and honest about my life but in return I was receiving just a few words in reply.

I had  no idea if I was just being a bit sensitive … so I asked her how she was … no reply…

The weird thing is, it was her wish for us to remain friends … not mine … and it took a lot of soul searching on my part to be able to even have any  contact with her… but I realised that no matter how badly it ended and how hurt I was … during our time together, she made me happy … and so I thought I would swallow my pride and have some contact with her.

It now seems I was wrong to believe she wanted friendship and I find that quite sad.

She was the major part of my life, we shared a lot together and done a lot together and when we split I was lost for a lot of months … one day I thought I was in a happy and settled relationship and the next, nothing.

Obviously, having a new girlfriend makes me less important in her life, which is understandable … but to walk away after hurting me so much, wanting friendship and then not, seems just another way to try to hurt me… but now, instead of being hurt, I just think “oh well … your loss” …

I wish both the above people all the best in life … in many ways I still miss them both .. but I also feel sorry for them both…. however, I have my boundaries … and both broke them and I realise that I was not meant to be part of their lives, not because of my actions, but because of theirs.

I guess we all have different morals and standards … and to be honest, I have enough fantastic friends, without having to chase others who have no respect for me.

Definitely time to close the door to the past.

Sometimes you realise that some people just do not belong in your life.

Whether it be through dishonesty, disinterest or just attitude, some people just do not fit.

It is hurtful, it is disappointing but it is a fact of life.

New friends will come, old friends will go… and life will keep moving on.

When it comes to relationships and love, we all have scars.

The depth of our scars depends on how we heal … and that is where it gets complicated!

Some turn to alcohol… or even drugs to mask pain… others bounce from one relationship to another in search of “the high” that they need to make them feel whole again…but all this does is leave our wounds open, with no chance of healing.

For others, they form needy and unhealthy friendships that may give them a sense of false security… but leaves them dead inside.

Then there are those who accept their pain, fight through the knowledge that their best wasn’t good enough and let the waves of every emotion wash over them until the tide begins to turn and the waves of pain recede to become a gentle flow that makes our sail through life just a little easier and we are once again in charge of our own journey.

The scars begin to fade, perhaps leaving a little itch from time to time, but no longer painful, no longer open.

Life falls back into a new normality that becomes comfortable… our sense of self worth begins to return as we realise that friends still love us… still support us… and above all else, want to see us happy.

Six months ago my life and my future was turned on its head… the relationship I thought I had… was not as true as I thought… and the way it ended hurt me deeper than I have ever been hurt before… but my friends, especially the ones that know me well, knew that I needed to take time out, mainly to wallow in my pain and anger… they were there for me if I needed them, but gave me my space too.

I also had a wee dabble into “sort of dating”… but scars from the past… and present… not on my part, made any sort of relationship impossible… but the knowledge that a very beautiful woman was interested in me was the final piece in my journey to “recovery”.

My life is not perfect… but at last I feel I have a life worth living for again. I have great friends that I love, a fab wee black snuggly dog, two cats that I serve!…. and a great job that I love… all I need now is for my motor home to be sorted and life will be perfect!

If along my travels I meet someone who understands how to heal their own scars, and who wants to take a chance to find a forever kind of love, then that would be a great bonus… but for now, just living my life, without any pain or regret will do!

Here is to what was… and to what has yet to come.

Lying on my bed…in my knickers… eating dough rings!!

There is a huge difference between the two… Respect the first, be wary of the second.

I am off to Edinburgh with some pals tonight from my Inbetweeners group (a Lesbian Group based in Fife, so named because we are between the two main groups  Edinburgh Rubyfruits and Dundee Outskirtsocial) … to meet up with the girls from Rubyfruits.

I am looking forward to meeting up with some old pals (I haven’t been for a while!) and some new one’s too … sadly, I am once again driving … and I really fancy a wee drink tonight, as I don’t have any funerals tomorrow (although I do have two family visits lined up, but not until later in the morning and afternoon!).

Coincidentally … today is the day that would have been the anniversary of me and my ex … I wonder if coincidence will be kind to me again!