Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Who knows where I am going …. but I’m on my way and enjoying the journey again!

To be honest, I’m not sure.  I am not sure I even want to.

Losing my ex was a huge blow to me.   I really loved the woman I thought she was … and it was a shock to find out just how many lies and omissions I was a victim of… never mind the fact that she was already cheating… but now the pain has eased and acceptance has taken over, you see a very different and clearer picture of someone.

Don’t get me wrong, I was not perfect, and sometimes became so embroiled in my work that I did get a bit stressed about it …. I tried to explain but it seems I was not heard or at least she was not willing to hear.

At the end of the day she made her choice and so be it.    It hurt, it still does at times, but now I am stronger and more determined than ever to live the life that I want to live, as I see fit not as a chameleon who changes like to wind to “become”.

I am back in control of my life, no more having to work so hard to save up for a wedding that was meant to be a surprise, I can spend my money on me … and I am …

I have lost weight, Im fitter than I have been in years and the physio means I am no longer in constant pain with my back … it is a new life for me, and one that I will enjoy.

For me Peace and Security are my main priorities … I don’t find fun in getting pissed, I prefer quite nights with friends (with the occasional blow out!) … but in all honesty I am no longer prepared to put up with someone else’s baggage … my ex had a few pieces that she simply refused to deal with … I guess I should have known then that I was just a temporary measure.  It would have been nice if she had told me that … I wouldnt have wasted so much time on someone who wasn’t worth it.

I doubt I can trust again … I gave my ex so much freedom, as much as she wanted and all she did was get pissed and fuck someone else … someone who she seen as weak …. but maybe that is the thing … weak people need weak people to feel needed.

I never want to be needed … I want to be wanted.  There is a huge difference.

But hey ho … if people are that easily persuaded they are too weak to every find peace in a relationship … it will all be about the short terms hits … not based on love but on a need to feel something … At least I don’t have any of this shit in my life.

What I do have is a shrinking waistline and a rising fitness level … another 1.5 lbs off tonight … 23.5 lbs in total … had a swim then water aerobics today … and tomorrow Im off for an early morning swim then Zumba in the evening … knee seems to be better and no longer giving me any trouble but I will take it easy at Zumba tomorrow just in case!

When suddenly you realise that you have really gone down the wrong path.

We all do it, I guess it is Karma’s way of teaching us a lesson or two … although the lessons we learn from are sometimes undermined by our pride or stubbornness.

We sometimes refuse to accept our faults and our failings … and that does not bode well.   If we cannot be honest with ourselves, who can we be honest with.

A few people need to learn that lesson.