Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last breath, I was honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man when had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash. At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him, he couldn’t speak due to the pipes and tubes that were attached to him so I moved closer as he pointed at his mouth. I said I didn’t know what he wanted and asked if he could write, he nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the pen fell to the floor, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you its all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail, he now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my car in the car park with heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers. I somehow managed to get to the car without breaking up, and, as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from the recently deceased. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the bonnet. It just looked gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket. I have now got home and was about to throw it away but the though hit me, it might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words, it just appears to be a jumble of letters. I decided to share it on Facebook and Twitter to see if anyone could decipher it, I never was any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety (I’m not sure whether or not he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil ) it says “GETOFFMYFUCKINGOXYGENPIPEYOUFATBAST”…..any ideas?

Do you ever wonder if anyone else thinks like you?

Do you ever wonder if anyone else loves like you?

I don’t know if I have old fashioned values, or whether in this day and age of “disposal” goods if people really know what a relationship is all about.

I have had lots of “short term” relationships in my life … but after the initial excitement of someone new had begun to wear off, I realised that these women would not be permanent fixtures in my life and so the relationship ended before it dragged on longer and caused more hurt in the future.

I have been on the receiving end of these to and that is fair enough, you are not always everyone’s cup of tea.

But when I love, I love … it hasn’t been often but so far have ended up hurt and disappointed each time.

I don’t know if I believe all the bullshit about “I’ve never loved anyone this much”  “I’ve never had a lover that makes me feel like this before” … but I am fooled somewhere along the line.

I guess we all have our own moral codes and standards … it would explain a lot about why I have had a lover that was jealous to the extreme … not because of anything I done, but perhaps because she judged me based on her own morals and actions.

I have no idea.

I did toy with the idea of going back to my old “friends with benefits” thing that I used to do when I was younger … but in all honesty, I can’t be bothered … perhaps because there was no depth of feeling involved, just a physical act and a laugh … no commitment, no being a priority in someone’s life…. and I think in all honesty, I have outgrown all that … I do want commitment, I do want to be a priority.  I want to be someone’s last.

I do know I still believe in love, I may be a bit more cynical and a lot more wary, but in my heart of hearts I know there are good people out there, who want to commit, who want to share their lives, who want to plan for a future together.

I also know that at the moment I am nowhere near ready for a relationship.  I am still hurting and working through the disbelief and pain that my ex left in her wake … and although she has moved on (actually she moved on before we split) … I know I can’t judge every woman on what she done and how she treated me at the end.

I know there are good women out there … who are wondering exactly the same as I am … maybe one day, on my many new journey’s to come, I will meet her… and at last be able  let my weary heart smile.

There are days when writing a couple of tributes, that should be a straight forward job, becomes a huge task.

Today is one of these days, I am finding it hard to concentrate on the job in hand and instead my brain is wandering to the plans I have for my holiday in a weeks time.

A quick walk with the dog is in order to clear my head I think … then, hopefully, when I plank my bum back in front of my  laptop, my brain will be in tune with what I have to do!

I don’t have everything I thought I wanted, but I appreciate all I have!…and who I am as a person… not perfect by a long way, but I will do… I will certainly do!

My blog is my sanctuary.  A place where I can put down all I feel, good and bad.   In the past it has served me well, seeing me through some tough times and in later times, it opened my eyes to the fact that I truly have “seen it all before”.  It has been a source of comfort for me, a release from all the thoughts whirling round my head… and the start of healing.

However, I realise that it is open to the world.  I cannot block anyone from reading it… and at the moment, there are people who have an insight to my life that they do not deserve, and I do not want.  They walked out of my life by choice.  They can stay out of it.

I did seriously think of putting it on hold, in fact deleting the whole thing.  Then I thought “why the f*ck* should I”.

If someone needs to read my blog just to find out what I am up to, then that is their problem, not mine.

This is my blog, these are my thoughts, these are my words.  This is your issue.

I have had plenty of fun tonight planning my trip for later in the month … a mixture of meeting with friends and some time alone with Sprout to do my own thing!

First stop Ayr for two nights followed by the Lake District for two nights and then Jedburgh for three nights! … I decided to go from Saturday to Saturday to hopefully avoid the Bank Holiday traffic! … and it will give me a couple of days at home to sort myself out!

I did originally have two weeks booked off but decided to cancel my second week and perhaps take an extended holiday later in September, when I plan to do the NC500 … although it does seem I could do it quite easily in a week… so I may just take a few long weekends instead! … I know that seems funny coming from someone who is self employed, but if I don’t work, I don’t get paid! … so taking a full week off can work out very expensive!

Now I can start getting excited!

Recovering from a broken relationship is not easy.   It takes time and a lot of soul searching to really look inside and try to find your peace.

Jumping into another relationship is not what I do.  I can’t.  I need my space to process all the feelings and try to make sense of things.   I can’t commit to another relationship just to mask what I feel.

I have learned that, for me, it is best to sit back and let things unfold in their own time.  The hurt and the pain need to find a release and I then need to find a new balance in my life.

Friends have been encouraging me to “get out there” and meet someone new … but I really just do not want to.  I am still hurting too much and if I am honest, still in love with my ex, or  at least the woman I thought I knew.

I am not a woman who falls in love easily… and I am not a woman who falls out of love easily either.   When I love, I really love.  That is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

For all the confusion and the anger that the feeling of complete and utter worthlessness that I have been through these past months, I still cannot believe that my heart still loves … but it does and I have to accept that and try to move on with that burden.

I know that clocks cannot be turned back, I know that trust and respect cannot be rebuilt and I know that the hurt of knowing I was replaced so quickly will be a pain that remains with me.

But … I know all of this … and, as my friends know, I admit it.   Life has not given me what I thought I wanted, and I will accept that.   Maybe, just maybe, in the destinations I am heading for, I will meet someone who can love honestly and openly.  Maybe I won’t … and that’s ok too.

I know that whatever life brings my way I will always be me, honest, outspoken but true.

That is good enough for me.

I had a lovely day today … a wee visit from some friends, Catherine, Jennifer and Jenny and a picnic in the summerhouse with so much food that we all left with bags of it to take home (I bought pork pies, quiche and wee sausages,, Catherine and Jennifer brought cake and Jenny cooked home made sausage rolls, chocolate cookies, lemon drizzle cake and meringues!!).   Plans now afoot for a barbeque in the summer!

After they left I started planning a trip for a holiday in September … I have always wanted to do the NC500 and so I am going to do it! … well, mostly … I am going to travel in an anti clockwise direction, up the East Coast to John O’ Groats then across and down the West Coast, heading for Achmelvick,  Plockton and finally Aviemore.

I have been looking up camp sites (and prices!) and timing routes between various sites … I don’t want to drive more than 3 hours each day, so I have plenty of time to detour and stop off at various places en route.

I know I have a few wee trips planned before this one … but this will be the biggest… and one that I am really looking forward to!  Sprout will have a ball!.. and by September, after all my wee trips away, Alice Alice and I should be working like a fine tuned machine (hopefully!).