There were a few memories that popped up this morning … but the two that hurt the most were from just last year.

The first was a video of my  beautiful girl Brae being chased around the house by my white boy Cat Dixie who was desperate to cuddle her … (he was more keen than she was) … it raised a wee tear but a huge smile too …

The second was a photo of me and my ex … with huge stupid grins on our faces … I was very happy then … although in hindsight maybe she wasn’t so much.

The strange thing is I don’t look tired in the photo … Im smiling and beaming and the tired look that haunts my face these days is just not there.

Of all the troubles that have hit my life since Christmas, losing my ex is the hardest to bear.  It is strange how someone who meant so much can suddenly be nothing and you are replaced before you have even split up.

For the first time in my life I truly found comfort in the love I felt for her and losing her was a huge blow to me … although for her, she had already moved on and I guess, for her, it was easy to just replace one life with another.

I have never understood how someone can do that … I know for me, I have to take time to work through the hurt and pain and find myself again before I can consider moving on… I know I am at that the point … but still … there are days when I really miss my ex … I just always felt she was such a rock in my life … I don’t ever admit to needing someone, but I think in a way I did need her.

But life goes on … she has moved on … but has probably never had the time to sit down and really think about who she is … or what she really wants from life … but that is her choice and she is entitled to that…. the saddest part of it all is that I lost all trust in her, and she was the person I trusted most in the world… and although I can forgive a lot of things, I can never forgive someone breaking my trust in the way  she did.

I have met some lovely people since I have tentatively stepped out into the dating world … one I thought may be special, but turned out to have her own issues that I simply won’t put up with … the others, I have all liked, but as a friends only basis.

I know that one day I will meet someone again … someone who is true to themselves and to me … someone with a life they are happy with and wants to share, someone happy in their own skin… and someone who does not have any hidden issues that I am expected to deal with.

Until then … it is me, Sprout and now Alice Alice again! … thankfully she is back on the road and I plan to use her to travel around meeting other gay women at various meet ups.  Maybe, just maybe, amongst the new people I meet, will be someone who fits with me as well as I thought my ex did, but this time in a true way, not in a false way.

So here is to the tomorrows yet to come!