Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Photo courtesy of Nicola Mead

“At the 11th hour, on the 11th day of the 11th month, we will remember them”

It is, perhaps, too easy to forget about history.  To forget about sacrifice.  To forget about the men and women who laid down their lives to give us the present we have now.

It is also too easy to forget about the men and women who have sacrificed their lives in more recent times.  It is too easy to ignore the news, forget that somewhere a mother, a wife, a husband, a partner, a child or a friend is mourning the loss of a loved one.

For those who have not served in the forces, or lost a loved one, it is difficult to explain the pride and the respect that today, of all days, we, who have served, give to those who have not only died for us, but those that have survived with injuries and scars both physical and mental.

So, today, as you enjoy your Sunday, just think, think of how lucky you are, think of your family and your children and cherish the fact that they are with you.

For me, it is a personal day to remember friends who I have lost, not always in battle, not always when still serving but who served their country with pride and honour.

For Dilys, Maxine, Graeme, Mo and all the others…. at 11am I will be thinking of you.

Respect.

We all have limits.   Whether it be emotional or physical.   There is a point when we have admit that we cannot continue.   This is not failure this is simply recognising that the limits we can work and live to and adjusting our lives or our emotions to live within these boundaries.

I am beginning to know and understand my limits, perhaps for me I see things in a very black and white way.  I do not handle the “grey areas” of life well.  Something either is or it isn’t, I’m not comfortable or easy with anything else so I live my life as open as I can.  Some people like this about me, some do not.  There is nothing I can do about that and gave up worrying about this a long time ago.

Sometimes I lose myself, I fall into the grey area and get trapped in a cage surrounded by doubt and fear.   This is when I begin to allow stress to envelope me and I fall into a pit where nothing makes sense.   It is a vicious circle that is hard to break and guilt and duty keep me there as I fight, often in vain, to try to save something that isn’t always worth fighting for.

I am by nature quite trusting, maybe it is a fault, maybe it isn’t I don’t know, but I have been forced to draw a line in the sand and just accept that somethings and some people will cross the line and that there is nothing I can do about this apart from walk away.

photo courtesy of Sue Fallon

There is something beautiful about the silhouette of the trees against the mist.  An air of mystery that we all interpret differently.  Some will see this as dark and eerie, some will see the beauty of moment, a snapshot of our world that can go from colour to gloom in a very short time and vice versa.

For me my period of gloom seems to be coming to an end, I am beginning to enjoy life again, I am more relaxed, less tired and beginning to see nice things in the future instead of a bleak hole.

In hindsight it has been a very interesting journey to a place where I haven’t visited before but I know I will not forget it.   I have had dark times in the past that were stressful, but thankfully short, but the mist that swallowed me this time seemed to creep up slowly, without me really noticing until I was completely surrounded and unable to see a way forward or back.   To call it a mist is probably an understatement .. it was a fog, that wrapped itself around me and took away my ability to see or hear things clearly, my world seemed muffled, my head empty and my thoughts bounced in a way I couldn’t understand.

I thought this was an ugly dark place, a place I wanted to escape from but had no idea how to.   I felt trapped, scared and totally unable to function in a way I could understand.  It is difficult to explain to others how this feels when in reality you don’t understand yourself.  Nothing made sense.

Looking back now the picture is clearer, I can see the path I took, a long and meandering path, that reflected the stumbling I felt in my head as I tried to find my direction but kept going round in circles, getting more and more frustrated with the feeling of complete incompetency and worthlessness inside me.

I can’t say it is a journey I have enjoyed, but on reflection it a journey I am glad I have taken, it has made me realise what is important to me, what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are and more importantly how many other people have taken the same journey before me.  No doubt there will be more in the future who will lose their way in the fog and my advice to you is just keep taking another step, eventually you will get to where you want to be, it may be a long slow journey and sometimes you will stumble but just keep taking another step, eventually you will walk out of it.

1. If you want something ask, you may not get what you want but you will be left with no doubt.
2. If you need something get it, ask for help, there is no embarrassment in admitting you can’t cope.
3. If it hasn’t happened yet – don’t worry, our worries sometimes come to nothing.
4. If it has happened – deal with it.  Accept responsibility, but don’t over blame  yourself, we all make mistakes.
5. If you lose something move on.  Close the book… you can’t change it now.
6. If you feel under pressure, sometimes you have to slow down to speed up.  Rest, take time out.
7. If you feel guilty, Stop.. just stop, the only one tearing yourself apart is you.
8. People will think what they want to think.  You cannot do anything to stop this.
9. You will learn who really cares.   You will also learn who doesn’t.   Do not be surprised.
10. You are not alone.

Do not touch me

I will take you in

Devour you

and spit you out

empty, dead

and wait….

for the next .. 

who dares….

I am a flower hungry for  a touch

and knowing that I will destroy

all innocents who try

It is who I am

but not who I want to be.

Sometimes, even with the best of intentions life does not turn out the way we expect it to.

I was reminded of this yesterday after seeing photographs of a very brave woman who sadly lost her fight for life.

In my personal life it is a bit of a bad time, very stressful, to the point that on some mornings I just want to curl up and stay in bed.

I can’t do this .. I’m not made like that.   I may winge and I may moan and sometimes I need a friend to listen to me .. but I am not a quitter, quite the opposite.

I know this from a couple of dark times previously in my life.  I really thought my life, or my life as I knew it, was over, but never once did I lie down and give in.  Maybe I should have, maybe I fought too long but that is who I am, and always will be.

I am not a woman who likes to be defeated, never have been… those that know of my hockey past will vouch for that *smile*, but sometimes you have to let go.

There is a huge difference between letting go and giving up.   You give up when you have no heart left for a fight, you let go when you know it is the right thing to do.

I have recently been asked to put a friendship “on hold” but on reflection, a friendship that has to go “on hold” is no friendship at all.

I know lots of people, I have lots of friends but I have a small close circle of  lovely friends who I would do anything for and I know they would do anything for me.   I do not have to name them, they know, as I know.   They have listened to me lately, let me get my frustration out and have contacted me frequently just to make sure I am ok.    I am not the type that often “needs” someone, but occassionally when the waves are washing over me I need a friend to rescue me.

It is at times like this in your life that you realise what friendship is. We have all had fairweather friends in our lives, good fun for a little while, but unreliable, unrepentant and forever letting you down.   These friends are sometimes a welcome break in our lives, but they do not last the trials of understanding, normality and friendship.  They live a dream, a fantasy, always looking for something else to keep them from being bored.

For me it is time to let go of people who cannot stand by me in my dark times and only want me in my good times when I can do something for them.

And that is what I am doing.    ‘Im taking my finger off HOLD and pressing END.

Good luck, good wishes, goodbye.

In our lives we meet people who will end up being unforgettable for all the right reasons.

Not the ex’s or friends who betray and hurt us but the lovers and friends who stand by you through your tough times and try to help you find your peace again.

Each lover we have is not necessarily the one we will hold forever but to have someone in your life who you have loved and continue to love in a different sort of way is probably one of the most important things that we can have.   This love is more heartfelt and sincere than any other.

If we are really lucky we will meet friends who inspire us, make us smile in those wee quiet moments when we are alone and who make our life that little bit better by just being there and knowing they care.

Sometimes we never tell these people how much their friendship and love mean to us.  We are often embarrassed by it, scared of what other people will think, forgetting that the life we lead belongs to us, not to them.

So, to my special friends out there (if you are thinking “is this about me?” then it probably is!)

Don’t stop being who you are.   You mean more to me that I will ever tell you.