regular | Brae. A gay woman's tale!

The big brave WRAC…

August 9, 2011

It was just a quiet normal morning in Lisburn. Three of us, KB, Julie and myself were just chilling out in our bedspaces, no drama, just quiet.

Suddenly from the bedspace opposite me there came a wee voice …

“did you hear that” said Julie

“hear what” said me

“the noise from my cornflake box” she whispered

I sat and listened, but heard nothing … “No, your’e hearing things” I replied and promptly went back to reading my book.

Suddenly I heard it … “scrape ,scrape, crunch, scrape”

I sat up … and took a wee bit notice of Julie then … “see .. I told you” she said …

I got up and slowly picked up the cornflake box and listened.

Nothing .. not a sound

I was just about to put it down when I felt a movement in the box.

“Open your window” I said to Julie … and she did … so I chucked the box out the window (we were on the ground floor) .. and we waited .. and waited .. and waited.

Nothing .. not a peep, not a movement.

Deciding I must have imagined it .. I climbed out of the window to rescue Julie’s cornflakes ..

Just as I bent down to pick them up .. this wee mouse came running out .. right at me .. with an evil glint in it’s eye.

I legged it .. screaming like a girly … arms waving around windmill style as I ran a hundred yards or so with the vicious mouse running after me.

It must have disappeared down a hole because when I stopped screaming and running it was no longer behind me… but the howls of laughter from our bedroom window done nothing for my street cred …

The pillage of Croydon

August 8, 2011

Brae regular Croydon riots, fire, pillage 1 Comment

I have witnessed tonight the complete destruction of Croydon, a place I love (for all it’s faults) for the happy times I had when I lived there.

I have sat glued to the news watching in disbelief as rioters and looters pillaged shops and businesses at will.

I know the same problems are effecting other areas of London and even Birmingham and my heart bleeds for the local residents who are suffering and no doubt living in fear.

I am stunned and saddened by it all .. how many of these people really believe in anything apart from personal gain, what they can grab and steal from a shop or an office and their excuse…. “poverty”

Bollocks

We have the most generous welfare system in the world, too generous. I know from now having my own business (that I have worked hard to achieve) that you can start from nothing. I did. I started from a desk and telephone from a back bedroom.

Why

Because I didnt want to sit on my arse and have handouts.

You think you have nothing .. let me tell you what nothing is .. nothing is when you work hard all your life to have a business and a home that you are proud of and you lose it .. everything.. you walk away with the clothes on your back and some bits and pieces of furniture. That is nothing, that is failure. I’ve been there. I lost everything, and I had two choices, 1) sit back and feel sorry for myself and blame everything on someone else or 2) get off my arse and do something about it, so I did.

No-one can blame their failure anything but themselves. Don’t blame the government, don’t blame the education system, don’t blame it on your colour, your sexuality or your parents. Stand up and take responsibility.

Most of the idiots can’t even be bothered voting. Yet they are quick to blame the government but they forget about the easy credit we all demanded, the cheap food we buy from the superstores .. the fault lies at our own feet.

I have no sympathy left for sob stories, I have no patience with them. Stop diverting the blame, stand up, get out there and become someone, not a member of a mob, not a member of a gang, you have your future in your own hands, accept it and deal with it.

You take enough from society, put something back.

Beastie in your baggage!

August 2, 2011

Brae regular emotional baggage, hurt, lesbian 1 Comment

All of us carry emotional baggage. It is only natural that we do. I often read that people want someone with “no baggage” when describing the type of partner they want.

Personally I would run from anyone who ever said to me that they had “no baggage” .. they either do not have the depth of emotional maturity that I want or that they have simply never been able to open up, take a risk and give their heart.

Our past and our “baggage” make us who we are, we should learn from our past, from our hurt and sometimes we need time to wallow in it to fully understand how to move on properly from it. We cannot rely on someone else to do this for us, it is personal, it is yours, you need to take responsibility for it.

You see people jump from one relationship straight into another again and again … its a cycle .. it will go on being repeated because some people just cannot bear to step back and accept reasons for failure. These people rarely learn to love deeply or completely. They are always chasing, searching for the thrill that they believe is love.

Sometimes you need the time and the space to unpack, examine and repack your baggage. You learn so much about yourself and your life that it is something that everyone needs to do, and not just once, but whenever emotions have been stretched or strained.

The beastie of your baggage, although it does bite in the early days, can actually be a very good friend.

With a little TLC of yourself and your emotions you will actually look back on your “baggage” and realise it isn’t baggage at all.. it is a memory, a lesson, a part of your life that if you had to live your life over would you really change.

Enjoy your baggage, let it hurt it you at first, learn to live with it, eventually you will come to love it. Just give it time.

Useless pride…

July 31, 2011

Brae regular honesty, lesbian, love,, pride 1 Comment

Image from wallpapersonweb.com

“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride”

Pride is a great weapon .. it keeps up fighting when hope is lost but it is also an enemy of the heart. How many of us have been too proud to say “I’m sorry”, too proud to say “I love you”.. probably more of us than will ever admit it.

I learned a long time ago that pride was often the thing that hurt the most, whether it be because of losing someone I cared for or, in my case, losing everything that I worked so hard for.

Don’t get me wrong .. I am still a proud woman but I realise that pride is often selfish and the only one who is really affected by it is me.

I look upon people who I know and I feel sorry for them, I know they are in the battle between their heart and their pride, a war they will probably fight for a long time yet. I hope for their sake that their heart wins because if they are always ruled by pride they will end up very lonely and inward people.

Never be too proud to say what you think or what you feel .. honesty may hurt but lies hurt more and in the end the person who will be hurting you .. is you.

Trapped ..

July 29, 2011

Brae regular bird, ironic, trapped Leave a comment

I came home tonight to find this poor wee bird stuck in my bedroom.

It must have sneaked in through the gap at the bottom and then couldn’t find it’s way back out. I done the honourable thing and caught it and gently let it loose.

It just sort of struck me as kind of ironic after my post of yesterday …

Our prison ..

July 28, 2011

Brae regular Dusk, emotion, lesbian, prison Leave a comment

All of us, no matter how confident or outgoing we seem, have our demons that hold us back or stop us from really living how we want to live.

I have mine.

It is something that I have known for a while but I have tried to ignore it, in the hope that it will solve itself.

I am beginning to doubt that it will.

I have written before about how cautious I am with my heart, and I am. I know I made an error and gave it away too easily earlier in the year, only to have to quickly grab it back and wrap it up tightly again.

Perhaps too tightly.

I have friends. I have a lot of friends, wonderful, fun people who warm my heart and make me glad to have them in my life but sometimes, just sometimes … I feel alone …and the sad thing is, I am actually scared of NOT feeling alone, just incase it all proves to be fools gold again.

I like to think I am semi intelligent woman.. but In reality I allow myself to fool myself over affairs of the heart. Why I do this I have no idea .. hope, pride .. who knows .. but I have become so cynical that the thought of entering into a new relationship actually worries me.

I look around and I see disasters waiting to happen, I see people fall in and out of “love” with ultimate ease… and I just don’t understand.

Gone are the days of the little flutter of excitement at the “possibility” of something developing, gone are the days of flirting and the “challenge” .. now I just feel comfortable with the thought of friendship.

That scares me.

simple things in life …

July 26, 2011

Brae regular letter, smile, thank you 3 Comments

I had a lovely wee surprise when I came home from work tonight.

It was only a silly little thing, but something that really made me smile!

The wee girl up the lane from me (I think she is 10) posted a letter through my door.

It’s the wee things in life I like .. I’m not terribly materialistic (although I do appreciate nice things!) but it’s the simple “heartfelt” things that mean the most.

I will treasure this ..

Friendship and love

July 25, 2011

Brae regular friendship, garden, lesbian, love, 3 Comments

Friendship and love are like a garden, all three need care and attention if they are to bloom into something special.

It just takes a seed for something to grow, but often we are too impatient. We expect the beauty and excitement of cut flowers in our lives, not realising that the instant beauty fades very quickly. They are for show, there are no roots.

When something has grown from a seed, and you have nutured and watched over it, it becomes special, yours, unique.

Sometimes the least pretty plant is the one you end up loving the most.

But, don’t get me wrong.. sometimes, just like plants, friendship and love have a lot of shit to get through before they bloom, but the shit they emerge from ends up being the very thing that can make new things so much stronger.

My garden isn’t perfect, nor would I want it to be, but I love it all the same, I guess I should remember that next time someone catches my eye!

A fabulous weekend…

July 24, 2011

Brae regular barbecue, friendship Leave a comment

I’ve just had the most fabby weekend with 27 of my friends!

I decided to fling a barbecue on what must be the nicest weekend of the year in Scotland (total fluke that I picked this one!).

Yesterday I was host to 27 friends and a dog called Kiara who was so like my Brae that even I was getting them confused. The picture is of Kiara NOT Brae .. I am sure they are sisters .. they are the same age, have practically exactly the same temperament and when they met it was a quick sniff .. a wag of a tail and that was it .. they were perfectly comfortable in each others company! It was very strange .. but very cute!

It was a perfect day with perfect company .. great food (Meg’s home made burgers were just superb!) and sooo much food and alcohol brought!

I have actually ended up with more food and alcohol than I started with, I tried to give some of it away to the guests who stayed overnight (6 of them!) 3 on my living floor and 3 in tents in the back garden! but was still left with loads.

This afternoon my friends Anne, Kate and Fiona popped over so we had another one .. this time with no alcohol (coffee and water!)… but another lovely day to finish off my weekend perfectly.

I really enjoyed watching people make new friends and as a social event goes, it was a great day … Maybe I will make it an annual thing .. but I doubt I could manage to get such perfect weather again!

As the evening wore on we ended up in the gazebo, log burner alight being smoked out .. I woke up this morning to a smell of smoke and panicked .. thinking my house was on fire .. then I realised the smell was coming from my hair!

All in all it has been a fantastic weekend .. some friends I missed and I know that they would have loved meeting my friends up here .. but a camping trip is arranged for September .. they will all get to meet then.

So, for all of you that came along… thank you .. you have made me smile! (albeit with a sunburnt face!)

You may not be her first ….

July 20, 2011

Brae regular 7 Comments

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” (Bob Marley)

I found this quote by Bob Marley today on my favourite blog, written by a very talented and inspiring lesbian.

My thanks to FS .. and gals .. you really need to read her blog here ….My Words!

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Brae. A gay woman's tale!

The big brave WRAC…

The pillage of Croydon

Beastie in your baggage!

Useless pride…

Trapped ..

Our prison ..

simple things in life …

Friendship and love

A fabulous weekend…

You may not be her first ….

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