Brae. A gay woman's tale!

We all expect things from people, we want them to make us happy, to make us feel loved, to make us feel special.   We are often let down because what we expect is not what we get.

Moving on and finding happiness and peace is something we should not ask from someone else, it is far too much of a responsibility to pass on and leaves the other person feeling under pressure when they know they are not living up to expectations.

Expectations from other people, and from ourselves do not give up peace or happiness … they just give us stress.

I have deliberately taken a step back over the past few months, stopped trying to expect things from others and from myself and it has made me have a very different outlook on things.

I know a very good friend of mine is going through a tough time at the moment, fighting her own demons and trying to find her peace, which slowly is coming back to her.    She is not pushing them away, not chasing them away.. but simply letting them surround her and fade away in their own time.   

I know she still feels the desperate hollow feeling at times, I know that sometimes her days seem tough but I also know what a beautiful, honest, warm person she is.   

When I was a hockey player I learned a very important lesson … sometimes the way to win is not always to pass forward .. but to pass back and wait until the right opportunity comes.

i think that is a lesson we should all apply to our lives.

As we raise a glass to 2013 many of us will feel a mixture of emotions as we leave 2012 behind.

2012 has been a year of great triumph and pride with the passing of the Olympics, a year of great tragedy with the deaths of so many soldiers, big things, national things.

Individually 2012 will have been a mix of highs and lows for many of us.  We have all faced our own triumphs, our own tragedies and our own battles, but we are here, we are alive and breathing and as 2013 dawns the psychological “new start” allows us to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and start over again.

I have mentioned in previous blogs how 2012 was probably the toughest year I have, at times, struggled to get through, but I have once again found a place in myself where I am content and settled.   I am grateful for all the lessons I have learned, my friends and family who have understood and supported me and made me realise that I really do not have to take on the world all by myself.   

I have met some lovely people over the past year, rekindled old friendships and found myself again.

So, as 2013 beckons, I will raise a glass to 2012, it hasn’t been perfect, but perfection is boring … and I certainly can’t say it was that!

I will take the lessons, hopefully remember and learn from them and greet 2013 quietly with a wee smile on my face.  

I wish you all a peaceful heart and mind this New Year … it really is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Sometimes you just get a feeling that something great is going to happen.

Maybe it is because I have eventually found my peace with the world again .. I don’t know.    I just know that there has been a reason for all the pain and stress in 2012 and I just feel that something great is just around the corner .. I have no idea what .. I just feel that I am being surrounded by a load of good things and feelings at the moment … maybe I am just ready to accept good without worrying about it or thinking too deeply about it … I have no idea.

I still need my quiet time at the moment … I think it is doing me good and thankfully I have wonderful friends who understand that.   They are not pushing me, making demands of me, forcing me to do things and be someone I am not at the moment and I really appreciate that.

The nearest I can describe this feeling is after you have had a lovely long deep sleep and you begin to wake up naturally .. slowly, warm and comfortable and happy knowing that day ahead is going to be fun … that’s how it feels… welcome to my world.

After all my thinking and analysing over Christmas I have come to a few conclusions  that I decided to blog about .. I think I will make this blog truthful, brutal and probably a little controversial (ooh.. that sounds like me!!)

I have realised that I have become something that I never thought I would ever be .. a Cynic.      Not just about love… I’ve been cynical about that for years .. but I mean about life .. I was always such an achiever .. a believer .. a lover of life and everything that it holds … and somewhere I have lost this .. I know I worry too much now, I take something that is good and start to worry about it .. to the point where all the bad stuff I think may happen DOES happen because I let it, because I expect it.

I don’t think this is particularly because of anyone else.. it is because of me .. I don’t trust myself, don’t believe in myself like I used to .. I am full of doubt at times, which is NOT a good thing.

I never really “let myself go” any more .. I don’t allow myself to fall deeply in love, because it will eventually hurt if I do .. I don’t allow myself to feel free because of the restrictions I put on myself.  I am scared to live the dream incase I wake up.

I am, in the words of a Fifer, .. an erse!

The trials and tribulations of the last year have made me stop this Christmas, take time out for me, to allow myself to think of what has happened, what I suffered, what I survived and the realisation that it was ME that put MYSELF under pressure.

2013 is going to see a change in attitude … the people I have in my life at the moment are the people I want to be there .. I am putting my worries and my cynicism away .. I am going to throw caution to the wind and bloodywell live, laugh and love as much as I possibly can!

I look around at some of my friends and I see exactly the same traits in them … we are weary and cynical .. but we are still standing … if we are still standing .. then we are winning!

To hell with 2012 … bring on 2013!!

Have a great new year everyone!

As my friends know I have taken time out this Christmas to have some peace and some time to think… I feel after the year I have had that the one thing that I treasure the most, and lost for most of the time was peace… and it was time for me to find it again.

I am a deep thinker … I have my clown face for the world, but for me there is another side that is mine .. few people get to know this side, even fewer to touch it.   This is the important part of me, the part that thinks too much, reasons (badly!) with myself and convinces myself that my head is right.

Sometimes enough is enough .. and I’ve had enough of me .. I end up making myself angry, frustrated and I think myself in and out of things.   I worry about everything, which is stupid and pointless and only I can stop this.

In 2013 I am going to try a huge change, I am going to live with what I feel, not what I think.. I don’t know how successful I will be .. but even a small step in the right direction is better than standing still.

If I begin to think too much you have permission to slap me .. except for Meg .. and Wendy .. I’ve seen them arm wrestle!  *smile*

I have received so many messages on facebook, emails, text messages and phone calls wishing me happy birthday that I really do not know where to start to thank you all.

I have had a lovely day.   A day that I chose to be quiet.   I spent time with my mum, brother, sister and aunt for Christmas dinner and then came home to have a quiet evening with my dug and cat (and cat lodger!).

I am finding this Christmas quite a strange one .. for reasons I cannot quite put my finger on yet .. so I am spending time alone, reflecting, thinking and just having some peace.

I am very lucky.   I have such wonderful friends, in real life and on line, that have helped today be a little bit special for me.

Thank you.

This is my 200th post …

I’m just going to show you a picture.   I look at this picture often … it was the last time I remember feeling at peace for a very long time.

Thought it was a nice way of marking my 200th….

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