Brae. A gay woman's tale!

My friend (who is still too shy to write anything herself .. she should!)  sent me the above picture and asked me to write on the following:

“Hi..thought of a blog about ladies who hang on until the end because they feel its the right thing to do..although the relationship was over a long time ago or those who have tried to hold onto the love that is no longer given by the partner ! As we have all done !”

Bit of a touchy subject for me  and something I do not yet feel comfortable writing about in great detail suffice to say that I was in a long term relationship, where in my heart of hearts,  I knew was over about 4 years before it actually ended. Even though I was reassured time and time again that it wasn’t “me” that was the problem, I think I really knew it was.  I was just too proud to accept that someone didnt love me. 

In the end, even I stopped feeling, the only emotion was frustration and there was simply no affection.   I lost me somewhere along the line and I couldn’t go through the rest of my life in a relationship that was lacking that much.

I won’t say it was loveless relationship, I loved my ex in a much deeper way than I had loved before, in a “real” sort of way and I do still love her and I know she loves me, but somewhere we lost that special “something” and became friends. 

In the end that wasn’t enough for either of us.

Actually we all do!

Affection does come in many guises from snuggling up to someone close, to having a wee secret joke that no-one else gets and to simply a kind word or look or an unexpected gift just because someone thought of you.

Singledom in all its glory can be a happy place, and for the main I am quite settled but sometimes I miss the closeness of being with someone special.   I have great friends on and off line who are always ready with a funny comment or a kind word but it would be nice to find someone who wants to listen to my inane ramblings and rubbish jokes and who wants to snuggle in.

I asked some of the girls on PinkSofa what they missed most (apart from sex!) from not being in a relationship, and they pretty much reflected what I feel.   However it is not a trait that is wholly confined to the world of lesbians but to everyone.

Singledom can be lonely at times.  However being IN a relationship that is lacking in affection hurts a lot more than being lonely outside a relationship, it is extremely frustrating and soul destroying and slowly but surely saps your confidence.

Lets stand tall out there singlies! .. our time will come!  Until then .. sit back, smile and accept that all good things come to those who wait!

The internet has had probably the biggest effect on personal relationships since the invention of the pill!

These days people do not have to leave the comfort of their slippers to meet new friends and lovers via the internet.

On the plus side, for a singly like me it does allow me to communicate with other lesbians from anywhere in the world to chat, socialise and generally have a laugh.

On the negative side it is easy to “fall” for someone without ever meeting them, the person you “want” is the person you have made up in your head which, more often than not, does not always match the real person.

I am very active on Facebook and Pink Sofa to name but two and I have a large amount of friends on both that I chat and joke with.  I have also met lovers off various sites, especially the old AOL Utopia boards.  I have met some wonderful people who I enjoy “real life” friendships with now and I have met some lovely lovers in the past who still bring a wee smile to my face.

Now, as an “older” lesbian back on the scene after an absence of 8 years I am slightly taken aback by the urgency that social media has brought to relationships.  I have never been one to “jump in” .. I like to “date” .. it takes me a month or two to make my mind up whether a relationship may or may not work.  I need to see through the lust to know whether I can really trust someone enough to give them my heart.    On the flip side, and being perfectly honest, I can meet someone knowing that there is never going to be a “relationship” just a friendship with the occassional “brief encounter”.

I can’t explain how or why I can separate love and sex, I just can.  Sex is important to me but more than that I need someone who I can be happy with without the sex but with affection.  

Until that someone appears (and as yet no sign of them on the horizon!) I will continue to make new friends on the internet and in real life with hopefully the odd “brief encounter” to make me smile!