friendship | Brae. A gay woman's tale!

52.5

June 25, 2013

Brae regular depression, effort, friendship, recovery, stress 2 Comments

Today I am 52.5 … a strange thing to say I know … but my birthday is Christmas day and as a kid my mum used to give me a special day in the summer because she felt it was unfair for me to only have one day per year to celebrate.

I haven’t really celebrated my “half” birthday in many a year, but last year I ended up having a barbeque, not for me really, but for an ex who was celebrating her birthday.

It was a bit of a struggle for me. I tried to enjoy the day as my garden was full of some wonderful and funny women but I felt very out of sorts. It was nothing to do with any of the people there but rather within me.

I found it very hard that day, I ended up sitting in the summerhouse trying to find some peace but I tried very hard to make myself “mingle” … but I was forcing it, forcing humour, forcing smiles … I was struggling .. I wanted to be happy, but I wasn’t. It was so much of an effort and I just felt exhausted. I had also spent some time picking out what I thought was a fabulous birthday present. I was wrong and I ended up feeling very disappointed, not only because my ex didn’t like it or want it (it was a small Fossil leather bag), but that I had misjudged it so badly.

This year I am not having a BBQ, instead I will be celebrating the 1st birthday of Fife Inbetweeners (a gay women’s group that I run) … we are having an 80’s party, with 80’s food and a pool competition. It will be an evening spent with a small number of friends and this year I feel like partying, my humour will not need to be forced and I can enjoy the company for the great friendship it brings.

Sometimes we cannot see things in life until we look back on them from a very different viewpoint.

This weekend I will smile and celebrate where I am in life … I like it here, everything feels great again!

I left my heart ….

June 13, 2013

Brae regular bear, friendship, holiday, Romania 4 Comments

… In Romania ….. oh damn .. doesn’t quite fit with the song!

Well .. I’m back in Scotland after the most fantastic week with friends in Romania. My pal Alex and I travelled over together, which in itself was an experience! Alex has a broken ankle and had booked wheelchairs at the airports .. great .. fantastic .. aye right! … she sat there like the Queen of Sheba being pushed along the long, long corridors of Heathrow while I ran alongside like some sort of Quasimodo from the sticks!! However, we did get priority treatment and to the front of the security queues etc … so it wasn’t all bad!

We spent the first two nights in Bucharest at the home of my friends … during this time we experienced the drivers of Bucharest in all their glory! Traffic lights are for decoration, lanes are just paint on the road .. and roundabouts … well .. they are just parking spaces!

To see Bucharest was an experience is an understatement … absolutely fascinating.. from the drivers (obviously!) to the beautiful buildings on show (and hidden away) … a place I would highly recommend everyone visits!

We left Bucharest after 2 nights of being fed so much food that I thought I was going to explode only to arrive in Sinaia in Transylvania and be treated to another HUGE traditional meal at a restaurant in the mountains. Not only was the company and food great BUT during the time there a bear was wandering outside the restaurant .. not that we seen it .. but Alex and I were like two kids in a sweetshop … until we had to leave … then I was more than delighted to get into the car before the bear got me!

After 2 fantastic days in the Sinaia area, where we visited Bran Castle (Dracula’s castle) and Peles Castle and saw some wonderful scenery, we moved up to Sibiu … not as dramatic scenery wise around the hotel but the main town was extremely beautiful .. as was a very special little bar we found that had only been open for 2 days .. I think we sampled most of the cocktails there … *smile* …

We discovered new words in the English language like Parkated .. infact we decided we like the word parkated so much we used “ated” at the end of most words … which at one point nearly killed us all as we were laughing so much in the car I thought we were going to crash!

We had a fantastic traditional meal in the town … along with traditional Romanian drinks … and although Alex and I were very keen to taste everything that was authentically Romanian we did draw the line at pigs brains …. *shudder*

Our final day up in Transylvania was visiting Balea Lake which is high in the mountains up the famous Transfagarasan Road … the drive was spectacular, the lake mysterious and wonderful (still partially frozen over in June!) and we even managed to have a snowball fight!

We left the lake and headed back down the mountain, presuming that we had seen everything exciting that we were going to see … how wrong we were … as we turned a corner, there in the middle of the road was a huge bear … we screamed with excitement and scrabbled for our camera’s .. I managed to get a couple of shots in .. but the do not capture the size or the beauty of the animal … he (or she!) was HUGE … and sat looking at the car for a good few seconds before heading back into the forest.

Our last night ended at 3.30am in the morning … me and one of my friends staying up to chat about the holiday, life and laugh at the experiences of the past week…. it was truly a holiday of a lifetime for me .. brilliant scenery, brilliant experiences and brilliant company …

I hope to return …

Some photos of the trip below!

It is time ….

May 28, 2013

Brae regular friendship, Romania 1 Comment

.. to start getting excited about my holiday to Romania! I have packed already .. I also have one or two wee gifts for my beautiful friends and I really cannot wait to see them again.

We met last year in Spain and it was instant friendship! We have kept in contact via email and Skype and unlike most holiday friendships, this one has lasted and grown stronger.

One of my close friends, Alex, is coming with me … unfortunately she has recently broken her ankle but .. since both the Romanian girls are doctors I guess they are the perfect people to go on holiday with! … I am not that useful, but I can carry Alex’s bags! (I will probably grump and moan a bit, but do it anyway!).

Friendship is a wonderful thing… I have friends going back right to my schooldays and I love them all in a very special way. We do not have to pretend to be someone we are not around each other, we just care deeply, knowing our friendship is based on trust and loyalty… and maybe a tiny wee bit of madness!

So here is to Sunday .. and seeing two of my most beautiful friends again *smile* … I think I may be just a wee bit in love with both of them …

Grey Area

March 15, 2013

Brae regular friendship, lesbian, sycophant Leave a comment

I like things simple. I really do not cope well with “grey areas” in any part of my life so tend to be very “black and white” about things. I like it that way, I find it less confusing.

I am the same with my friendships. People know where they stand with me.. if I like someone they know it. If I do not like someone, they also know it.

Being so black and white does have it’s disadvantages and does mean that sometimes I am a little impatient when I am in the grey area… it is something I know about me and just accept.

I like things straight forward .. I cannot stand lies or people who will tell me what they think I like or want to hear .. I want to hear the truth, whether it hurts me or whether I agree with it .. as long as it is the truth I can and do handle it. My best friends know this … and even though all of them at sometime have been through a bloody good argument with me, we are still friends, disagreeing does not ruin a friendship, it enhances it, makes us understand and respect each other more.

What I sometimes forget is that not everyone thinks like me .. some people do like to believe only what they want to hear.

I am no sycophant, I am no hypocrite … I am who I am .. not everyone can handle that, not every friendship will survive that.

Childhood friends

February 16, 2013

Brae regular friendship, lesbian, smiles Leave a comment

I take friendship very seriously, I have a small circle of close friends who know me very well. They know the persona beneath the clown mask and they still like me! (surprising I know!).

Some of my friends stretch back to my primary school days, some from my teenage years, my army days. some are ex lovers and some I have found in my more “adult” years.

I know I am very lucky as those that I class as “close friends” are always there for me, as I am always there for them.

We have seen each other through some tough times, some great times and have cried and laughed, shouted and argued at some point, but still we come through, happy to enjoy each other’s company and laugh at each other’s shortcomings and failings.

Last night I spent the evening in the company of an old standing friend of 30 years.. she was always the friend I looked up to at school, the one I always wanted to be like. In the end we have turned out very different… she is slim, fit and a twice divorcee, I am fat, unfit and a lesbian but still we have this wonderful friendship based on the trust and loyalty that we have for each other.

The great thing about us is that we really talk, I mean complete honesty, no holds barred and we have had nights when we have howled with laughter at some of our escapades (boy could we blackmail each other!!) .. and others when we have talked deeply about relationships, our worries and our fears.

Last night was a bit of a mix but mainly we talked about how we have changed in our outlook about life and our priorities and how sometimes we (as in everyone) lose out on being happy because of our guilt or our fear of how others will judge or see us.

We came to the conclusion that in the end does it really matter? … what does matter is how we are, how happy we are and how we have to put ourselves first and let all the responsibility of others depend on them, not us.

We are 52 years old (well technically she is still 51 .. but hey!) .. we have lived the majority of our lives by now .. we now know who we are and what is important to us.

The little rules we have made, the little beliefs we have … we should let them go .. in the end the only thing that the majority of us can leave behind that is of any importance is a wee smile in someone’s heart at a memory.

I want to leave lots of smiles.

Life is all about relationships

January 28, 2013

Brae regular friendship, lesbian, relationship Leave a comment

I was watching Mrs Brown’s boys tonight … and at the end the words “life is all about relationships” were uttered from Mrs B’s charming mouth.

It got me thinking ….

Life IS all about relationships .. we start our lives bonding and forming relationships with our parents, our siblings, our family, until we reach the age where we begin to make choices in our relationships, who our friends are, who our best friends are … who our crushes are ..

Each relationship we have is not always the right or best relationship, but it is a relationship that serves it’s purpose at that time. Sometimes these relationships (as friends or lovers) do last the tests of time … sometimes not.

Sometimes relationships break down because it is all to easy to forget that a relationship of any kind is based on team work – on two people, who have to take responsibility for their actions and the reactions that they might cause.

A successful relationship will only work if two people are realistic enough to understand that nothing is ever perfect, you will disagree, you will argue, you will cry, you will get angry. You will also agree, smile, laugh, love and will find a peace in you that is too special to lose.

The benefit of friends

January 4, 2013

Brae regular friends with benefits, friendship, lesbian, older lesbian, single 3 Comments

Friendship in all forms is a wonderful thing that makes our lives a brighter wee place to live in.

We have friends who make us laugh and cry, friends we can talk to with our deepest thoughts and trust completely and other friends on the peripheries who we meet now and again and enjoy their company for the short time we see them.

Friendship as you get older becomes something deeper, you realise that the amount of friends you have is nothing compared to the closeness of the few who really mean something in your life.

Sometimes we get more from a friendship, a short period of time when we can feel wanted and enjoy the want we feel for someone else. A friend with benefits.

I have in my past had friends with benefits, which generally worked out great for all concerned, with one exception where the expectation from the other party was more than I was able to give.

On one occasion it developed into a relationship that lasted for a couple of years, but it is rare for FWB to do this, normally FWB are people coming out of a period of hurt or darkness and not able or ready to commit.

To be honest I find a FWB easier to deal with than a list of short term relationships that leaves me feeling guilty and unsatisfied. I have never been one to jump from a relationship straight into another … I like to take time out, I don’t want to hurt someone by using them just because I am on the rebound.

I am now 52 years old, I am contented and settled in my life once again and I am really not sure if I want a relationship again. Maybe that will change, I have no idea, but I have for a long time felt under pressure to compromise too much to keep someone happy and in the end made myself unhappy. I am really not prepared to do that now.

If I could find a “perfect woman” (Nigella jokes aside!) .. I know what I want .. a thinker, a joker, a tough minded opinionated woman, strong at times, but with a weakness that shows from time to time, who wants to make someone feel special but feel special in return, not by words but by actions. Someone who wants to spend time with me and is happy with their life and does not rely on me for all their happiness.

I need someone who understands the importance of sharing decisions with a partner and how the word US is more important than I, but also is independent enough to understand my need for time on my own as well as my need for time alone with my partner and time to socialise .. in a normal balance that is stress-less.

Does she exist? … am I being selfish? who knows … until then .. I will just be ..

12/12/12

December 12, 2012

Brae regular attitude, friendship, life Leave a comment

It has been interesting watching the run up to 12/12/12 .. lots of messages and comments on facebook about how we will never see this day again because of the uniqueness of the date …

Great .. in a way it is true .. but we seem to have forgotten one BIG thing … every day is unique, we will never see today again, as we can never recapture yesterday again!

Sometimes we all (and I have been guilty of this many times!) hang onto the past, make our judgement about people and life based on our past experiences. This is often no bad thing, after all there is no greater teacher than experience BUT sometimes we let it cloud our vision, cloud our thoughts and feelings in a negative way that in the end only results in us losing out.

Our thoughts about the past cause us to imagine what might happen in the future, what we might expect, what we might feel … we hold onto anger and to upset far too long and in reality the only person who suffers is ourselves.

Today, since the date is special, why not make a decision to let things go, face up to what we really think and feel, without judgement and take a big step forward. No-one can do this for us, it has to come from within.

When a butterfly flaps it’s wings …

August 19, 2011

Brae regular chaos theory, friendship, lesbian, values 3 Comments

When a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world it can cause a hurricane in another part of the world.

Author Unknown

We probably all have heard of the “butterfly” quote .. it is also known as the Chaos Theory.

I prefer to look at it differently.

Our actions, no matter how small can have a lasting effect on others.

Cruel people bring sadness and hurt into other’s lives through jealousy or rage and never seem to appreciate the damage that they leave in their trail, they are blind to it because of their own inability to feel things deeply.

Those of us who have been deeply hurt appreciate how our actions and words do have to be “carefully chosen” at times, often a kind word or compliment can really touch the heart and hope of someone who may be drowning in their own emotions.

Often we are unaware to our own “power” of making things happen and how we make people feel, not through cruelty but by simply being human. We all have our frailties, our imperfections and our doubts … what we do not always have is the self awareness to realise our “power”.

I guess this is no bad thing, if we thought we could act in a certain way to get a reaction we wanted then that stops being something that is honest and true to being something manipulative and contrived.

Often I have a battle within me. Often I do not know what way to turn because I get caught up with Guilt and Obligation (both in capitals because I know these are two values that sometimes play too highly in my decisions!), and perhaps Fear too … we all fear rejection, humiliation and hurt.

I have people in my life, who I truly appreciate because they can make me stop and think and listen to myself. They make me take a deep breath, and take a risk, be honest, be true. I don’t think you can ask anymore from friendship if it can make you free within yourself.

Recently, someone else’s actions have prompted me to be completely honest with myself and someone else. I am glad I have been, it was a huge step for me to take, simply due to my own insecurities and how I view myself.

A big lesson for me, and one I will try to remember, a compliment or a smile costs nothing to give, yet it can mean the world to someone. It may even change their life.

Friendship and love

July 25, 2011

Brae regular friendship, garden, lesbian, love, 3 Comments

Friendship and love are like a garden, all three need care and attention if they are to bloom into something special.

It just takes a seed for something to grow, but often we are too impatient. We expect the beauty and excitement of cut flowers in our lives, not realising that the instant beauty fades very quickly. They are for show, there are no roots.

When something has grown from a seed, and you have nutured and watched over it, it becomes special, yours, unique.

Sometimes the least pretty plant is the one you end up loving the most.

But, don’t get me wrong.. sometimes, just like plants, friendship and love have a lot of shit to get through before they bloom, but the shit they emerge from ends up being the very thing that can make new things so much stronger.

My garden isn’t perfect, nor would I want it to be, but I love it all the same, I guess I should remember that next time someone catches my eye!

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
			1	2	3	4
5	6	7	8	9	10	11
12	13	14	15	16	17	18
19	20	21	22	23	24	25
26	27	28	29	30	31

Brae. A gay woman's tale!

52.5

I left my heart ….

It is time ….

Grey Area

Childhood friends

Life is all about relationships

The benefit of friends

12/12/12

When a butterfly flaps it’s wings …

Friendship and love

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