Brae. A gay woman's tale!

It is the wee things that are important to me, the quiet times that need no words.

The times when the world sleeps and I lie awake just watching my lover sleep, gently reaching out to just touch her…. and feeling the comfort of that touch give me peace.

It’s feeling her spoon against my back, her arm flung casually over me.

It’s the laughter, the whispers, the frowns, the smiles, the planning, the sharing, the excitement and joy in an achievement.

It’s the comfort of her arms when life is tough, the feel of that touch that calms and soothes me.

It’s a smile in the morning when she opens her eyes and the smile on her face when as she falls asleep.

It’s the peace in my heart to love and be loved.

Yes, it’s the wee things… just the wee things that are so hard to find.

As people go, I am as ordinary and as different as everyone else.   I have my quirks, my expectations and my limits, that once crossed spell the end of friendship or relationships.

I really don’t feel I expect too much from people, honesty, reliability and a shared outlook on life… someone who challenges me, argues with me but loves me all the same.

As I have grown older, I have learned to tolerate less bullshit from people.   I understand that everyone has their own little foibles and that is fine and I am certainly prepared to stand by someone to help them if they want my help,  but for some, their foibles become a much bigger problem, and not something I want to be part of.

We all expect different things from  relationships, whether as friends or lovers, but trust is the major part of any sort of relationship.  When you realise that other people are being lied to, you know in your heart that you are also being lied to.

Although we don’t like to think it, none of us are that special that we can change ingrained behaviour in someone, no matter how much we want to believe them.

A liar will always be a liar, a cheat will always be a cheat … those type of people have such fluid boundaries that they move to suit their own needs, and nothing we can do will bring those boundaries back to suit our own.

Our judgement of people, can be misled by our own needs and wants, we overlook, we forgive and we put up with things that are unacceptable to us, because of the way we feel.  Unfortunately, this understanding and forgiveness is not always given in return.

I do not want a complicated life, I do not want to view life from the bottom of a bottle, I don’t want to ever believe that sex is a measurement of love.

I want someone independent, who is happy with their life, with quirks that make them unique rather than being a problem.  I want peace, I want quiet, I want to be content.

I really did think I had found the person, that gave me all that, but I realise now I overlooked so many problems that should have given me warning signals … but they didn’t… and I have only myself to blame for that.

Perhaps I am now too set in my ways to accept anything less than I want… but that is ok with me.  I have a good life, a happy life, with plenty of friends and freedom to do what I want.

A recent wee dalliance into the world of dating, made me realise that perhaps being single is the best way for me to be.

I am not prepared to sacrifice any of my expectations, I am not prepared to be emotionally blackmailed and made out to be  the bad person because I simply will not put up with someone else’s bad behaviour.  I will not be a secret and hidden away… and I will not be the one who always has to compromise.

I cannot stand weak people, in reality these people are rarely as weak as they  want you to believe, they are manipulative, liars and controlling and have no part in my life.

Life is all about learning and moving on, trusting my own journey to take me wherever I am meant to be.  Sometimes this journey is not easy, but it is mine … and even if it means I grow old alone with my wee Sprout, so be it.  It will be a happy life even then.

I do not “need” anyone to make my life complete, I do not “need” the company of others to make me like myself, I already like myself for who I am, faults and all.

That is who I am… love me or hate me, it really doesn’t matter to me… I can stand alone against any storm because I have been broken so many times, I know how to repair myself and no-one or nothing will keep me down.

When you know someone has lied to someone else, you can bet your last pound that they have lied to you.

Don’t think you are different or special .. you are just current, and current doesn’t mean permanent.

Think on.

Definition:  A need is something that is necessary for an organism to live a healthy life. . Needs are distinguished from wants in that, in the case of a need, a deficiency causes a clear adverse outcome: a dysfunction or death. In other words, a need is something required for a safe, stable and healthy life (e.g. food, water, shelter) while a want is a desire, wish or aspiration. 

I don’t know if I have this relationship thing all wrong or all right in my head.  I often come across the word “need” … as in “needing” someone in a persons life to make them happy.

To be honest, the word “need” worries me.   Anyone who is happy with their life and has everything they need to survive, should not need someone else in their life to make them happy or complete.

The responsibility of being “needed” is not something I really want … how can anyone be in a relationship knowing that they have the responsibility for someone else’s happiness in their hands.   That burden is too big for me to bear.

I know I don’t “need” anyone in my life … that smacks of entrapment to me and those that believe that they need any individual for a life that makes them happy usually end up trapping themselves in a life that is unfulfilling and controlled.

When it comes to love, it is someone I want that is important to me.   I want that woman in my life, I want to make her feel at peace and happy and loved … I want to spend time with her, I want to share things and plan things with her.   It is not a need, it is a want.

I never wanted to “needed” in anyone’s life.   I just want to be wanted… for me that is the biggest compliment.

When you have an involvement with someone who is blatantly being Gaslighted… it is difficult to know what to do for the best.

You can try to help all you can to help them pull away… but, unless they have the will to pull away from an unhealthy situation, you will never succeed and possibly cause more damage to them and yourself.

You have to realise that sometimes there is no option but to walk away… and slam the door shut as you go.

BANG

All of us, to some degree, are emotionally damaged.  Most of us react and recover from the damage in different ways, but for some the journey to recovery is far from easy.

We can cling to friendships and relationships that are damaging in the fear that we will never be good enough for anyone inadvertently trapping ourselves in a cycle of emotional and, sometimes, physical abuse.

The “need” to have someone to “love” is confused by the control that is placed on us by others … we often do not realise the emotional abuse that is happening and even if we do, we refuse to accept it.   Whether it be through guilt or denial.

Often we cover our unhappiness by insisting we are happy … trying to convince others and ourselves that life is good … when in reality it is a cycle of depression with highs and lows that simply confuse us even more.

For some our escape is alcohol, drugs or promiscuity … we “need” to feel, whether it be a great high or low … or just to block out our feelings for a few hours.

For some, the “comfort” of being controlled gives a sense of peace… we convince ourselves that the “controller” cares for us and our happiness… when in reality all they care for is their feelings and happiness.

Control and emotional abuse is not always about shouting .. sometimes it is so subtle that it take a long time to realise what is happening … and often when we speak up this is turned around to be “our fault” .. a play on our guilt and conscience… and this is often done to excuse the controllers own behaviour.

No matter what our other friends tell us, no matter what in our hearts of hearts, we already know … we will continue to be trapped in the same cycle, convincing ourselves we are happy, when in reality our lives are not our own.

Controllers know the buttons to press, and what reactions to expect … in reality, the controllers are very weak people … but they convince the abused that it is they that are weak … and slowly but surely, chip away at their confidence and belief, until they are convinced that they cannot escape the controller.

The solution has to come from within us… we have to understand that any guilt we feel is placed on us deliberately, to allow the control to continue… but sometimes the “Status quo” even if unhealthy, is less scary that the “what if’s”

But sometimes we just have to take one step and freedom will follow… and life will be ours again.