regular | Brae. A gay woman's tale!

What not to do when bored …

April 24, 2011

Brae Army stories, Most popular posts, Poetry and writing, regular bored, lesbian, pouting, rubber 1 Comment

The army back in the 80’s was not an easy place to be as lesbian. You could still be kicked out and although there were a lot of us around, most of us were very careful where and when we had our fun!

In Ireland it was particularly tough .. I shared a room with five other women and most of the rooms, even for corporals were shared.

During my time in Ireland I met a girl called Jan. Luckily for me she was the PTI and I was captain of the hockey team so we both had keys for the sports store. The sports store was really nothing more than a big shelf lined cupboard on the 3rd floor (top floor) of the WRAC sleeping quarters.

This cupboard was our den of inequity .. the place we met to do what some girls do <grin>

Jan had a terrible habit of always turning up late .. sometimes I would be waiting 30 minutes or more for her.

I passed the time by climbing the large slatted shelves and exploring what was on them. On one of my forays I found a karate outfit, which pleased me greatly and I was often seen striding around in my really cool new PJ’s (ok I looked a bit of a prat but I was happy!).

One particular day I came across a diving outfit, the rubber body suit, flippers and the rubber helmet. Being a bit of a wally (see karate outfit PJ’s above….) I decided it would be really funny to put the helmet on.

So I did.

Eventually Jan opens the door

“BOOOO” shouts me .. my face squished into a pouting shape by the helmet.

Oh how we laughed … until I tried to take it off..

It wouldn’t move.

“How much talc did you use” asked Jan

“Talc?… what do you mean talc?” I mumbled (difficult to speak with a roll of rubber in your mouth)

No matter how much Jan pulled or wiggled, it wouldn’t move.

In the end we ended up in the corridor. Jan with her foot on my head and her fingers under my chin (good job she was fit .. I could NEVER have got into that position!).

In the end it did roll off my face, and believe me it was painful, every little hair (that you didn’t know you had!) was being ripped out one by one.

My face was swollen, my eyes nothing more than slits … there would be no misbehaving after that!

The story doesn’t end there … in fact it gets worse …

Later that night I was in my room when there was a knock on my door.

In walks one of my friends (who was straight but knew all about Jan and I).

“CJ .. will you do me a favour, I don’t care what you and Jan get up to, but can you please be a bit quieter” she said

“OH NO .. you don’t understand” I garbled .. “It was the rubber helmet …….”

The look of horror on her face, and undoubtedly mine as those words left my mouth would have made a smashing picture …

Finding my way…

April 23, 2011

Brae Army stories, Poetry and writing, regular 1 Comment

I think I always knew…

From the age of five I liked girls. I wanted to play mummy and daddies, I wanted to be the daddy. We sometimes played the sound of music. I wanted to be one of the brothers. I played football, better than some of the boys. I dreamt of kissing girls. I was jealous of friend’s boyfriends although I did have boyfriends of my own and had the usual clumsy fiddles of sexual exploration on bodies that repulsed and scared me.

By the time I was 18 I had full sex twice with a boy which left me wondering what all the fuss was about. There was something wrong and I didn’t know what it was.

I played hockey. I listened to, and joined in with, the whispers and giggles about the sexuality of our PE teachers. I always felt awkward about this and a little fascinated but still the penny didn’t drop.

My life at this time revolved around a hockey pitch. I was chosen to play for Scotland, I was a star in my own little world and I wanted to carry on playing hockey but decided (much to my mum’s horror!) to join the Womens Royal Army Corp rather than go on to college or university.

It was when I joined this world of women I realised why my life had always felt a little lost in my life.

I was gay and I was scared.

My first experience was with a woman a little older than me, and a higher rank than me which meant that she had her own room, or bunk as we called them.

Her name was Chris. Chris had a girlfriend who had recently been posted to another camp. Her girlfriend did visit on occasional weekends but mostly Chris was on her own.

I always got on with Chris, I trusted her and liked her. She became the person I turned to when my thoughts and feelings about my sexuality became too much for me to try to understand on my own.

We had a little routine, a couple of cheap bottles of wine, some crisps and some nice music playing in the background. She would lie on her single bed and I would lie on the floor resting my head against a black and white checked stuffed dog. We would talk, mostly about how confused I felt and about how much she missed her girlfriend.

One night, after a few too many drinks, I stood up to go to the bathroom and tripped over the dog, resulting in its head being forever sloped to one side. I named the dog “My life”, which for some reason we found hysterically funny.

A few nights later, around a bottle or so wine down, Chris suddenly sat up and looked at me.

“Take your clothes off and get into bed”

I didn’t reply. I just did what I was told.

She slipped off her clothes and slid into the single bed beside me.

I remember the feeling of total panic, excitement and want all mixed up together. I was scared stiff, but I wanted to touch her so much.

“I don’t know what to do” I blurted out.

She kissed me then. A soft, warm kiss. “Just do what comes naturally” she whispered and kissed me again.

I felt her skin against mine, I felt her arms slide round me as she pulled me closer and I just knew what I had to do, I didn’t think, I didn’t plan .. I just reacted to my feelings

She was the first woman I heard cry out my name and shout for God all at once.

For the first time in my life I felt as I belonged. I had come home.

We fell again into each others arms. She snuggled against me and we slept.

Over the next few weeks (apart from when her girlfriend came to visit!), Chris continued to act as my mentor, advising, letting me explore, experiment, live out fantasies. She taught me a lot, she gave me confidence.

One day she turned to me and said, “we have to stop this, you know enough now”

I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t in love with her, I always knew she was giving me a very special gift that I would take on with me.

I bought her a couple of bottles of wine. She gave me “My life”

A week later I met my first great love.. lets call her “M” I was her first lover and her first love and she was the one who opened my heart and my mind to everything that loving someone should be..

I showed her everything that Chris had given me and we played and explored and loved each other in a deep passionate way.

Roll the clock forward 30 years. I’m sitting in a converted barn with “M” and her female partner. The log burner is giving out a beautiful light, I am sitting on the sofa and Maggie is lying beside me with her head on my lap and I am stroking her hair as her partner sits on the floor in front of us.

“I can really see what you two seen in each other” she says “M” has always said you taught her everything she knows and I would like to thank you for that”

“M” and I laughed and I wished I could tell that to Chris.

She had given me a gift that I passed on and “M” in turn had passed on.

Thank you Chris.

The reason I have been quiet!

April 17, 2011

Brae regular brae, dog, garden 1 Comment

Ive been busy .. in the garden … new decking, planting up .. now it’s done .. I’m exhausted but pleased!

In my day job (recruitment) I do not get to see the end result .. I have found that this project has given me a huge sense of satisfaction .. as well as backache.

I hope you enjoy the photos

Auld folk and chip butties …

April 5, 2011

Brae Poetry and writing, regular aunt, chip butty, Galashiels, mother, old people, Peebles 4 Comments

Today has been a day of … auld folk and chip butties …

I whisked my mum and my Auntie Maggie off for the day. My Auntie has never been down towards the border in Scotland so we headed off for Peebles.

It was a bit wet and miserable on the drive down and Peebles was no better. Although we circuited the main street 5 times (thanks to my Mums insistence that there was a car park).. however it seems this car park has mysteriously disappeared. I did find two car parks, but these were not the right car park and would have meant at least a 2 minutes walk to the town centre… which was far too far in the opinion of my two ancient creakies.

I also managed (on the fourth circuit) to find a car parking space in the middle of the high street, so I parked up .. only to be informed that 45 minutes was not enough time to have a cup of tea and a cake …

In the end, shortly towards the end of the fifth circuit I was possessed by a demon that shouted out “bugger it, I’m going somewhere else” and headed towards Galashiels.

There was at least 2 minutes silence from the creakies as they considered the fact that perhaps they had been too fussy, but it was too late, I was on the road to Galashiels and that was that.

Driving along the Tweed Valley was beautiful, the road was lined with daffodils, lambs were playing in the fields, ok so maybe one or two of them were lying dead but we ignored that…..

As we approached Gala I was informed by both creakies that it was necessary to find a toilet asap… I was rather worried about my leather seats (well.. the smell of urine on leather!) so I dutifully found them a wee cafe in a village just outside Gala… we even had a lovely cup of coffee and cakes!

The day was looking up … as we left the cafe (fed, watered and dewatered) we found a thrift shop .. which have magical powers when it comes to my mum .. they just suck her in in a whoosh of white hair, fluffy white scarves and blue rain jacket … Anyway .. after spending 20 minutes looking at other peoples rubbish she bought me a vase .. it is quite a nice vase.. but I already have vases.. and not much room .. but I thanked her and wondered where on earth I was going to put it.

My Auntie Maggie spent the 20 minutes staring at a bookcase full of books. Not moving, not touching, hardly breathing. At one point I thought she had died in an upright position. I was wondering if perhaps the thrift shop had a second hand coffin round the back .. but thankfully she suddenly came out of her obviously excitement enduced coma and picked two books that she gleefully bought for 50p (25p each) … We Fifers do like a bargain.

Eventually we did reach Gala… only to find that on one side of the high street it was sunny and fair and on the other it was raining! (not lying was very strange!)… We hunted in vain for an Edinburgh Woolen Mill (my auntie wanted a new jumper) but failed to find one .. so instead we hit the pound stretchers where the creakies charged through the door like a couple of elephants spotting a water hole …

My mum managed to find a new biscuit barrel … which pleased her greatly since it even came with matching salt and pepper dishes and .. much to my amazement .. I bought things too! Some Herb seeds, 4 tall solar lights for my garden and a couple of big bulbs for plants. I am not sure what they are .. but they looked nice in the picture.

We then decided it was lunch time .. “I know a lovely restaurant round here” says me … “Nooooo” the creakies replied in unison (did I mention they were wearing exactly the same rain jacket too….) “this lovely little cafe with do” …

So … 3 chip rolls, 2 cups of tea and a coffee later .. I realised that both the creakies were looking at me in an expectant kind of way … both with their heads tilted to one side … white hair neatly combed… matching rain jackets (did I mention that they … oh yes .. I think I did!) … “sooooo” says me … I presume I am paying”. Honestly it was like having 2 very smiley nodding dogs in matching jackets …

Lunch cost me £10.50 (which pleased me greatly!) … I am soooooo glad that they didnt take me up on my offer of the restaurant now … that would have cost me at least £70 … and the embarrassment factor of having the two creakies in the matching jackets “ooohing and aaaahhing” at everything and then discussing (loudly) how expensive things were .. then the good old “I will just have soup” routine .. where they both look at each other in a pathetic way waiting on me to say “nooo .. nooo it’s my treat .. have the steak/salmon/truffle stuffed up the arse duck” or whatever.

I got off lightly today .. next time I may not be so lucky …

Sorry ..

March 30, 2011

Brae regular brae, cancer, dog 2 Comments

You may (or may not!) have noticed the lack of blogs lately.

It has been quite a strange time for me, my beautiful dog, Brae, that I adore has been diagnosed with cancer for the third time. I have once again had the lump from her leg removed but my heart and head have not been where they should be when it comes to writing anything on here.

I have also had to face up to some quite hard realisations with my personal life and had to let a wonderful woman go. I was simply unable to feel what I should feel and realised that perhaps the best thing for me at the moment is to spend my time as a single woman and concentrate on my wee dog and my garden!

I have been speaking to women of my own age (50 and above!) and they all seem to understand my need for my own space at the moment, it is a very strange thing … and not like me at all, but something very important to me and something that I simply need to do.

In all honesty it is like I am on a voyage.. it feels as if I am rediscovering me all over again. I seem a very different person to the emotionally led, heart on sleeve type of person I was a decade ago.

The decades that have gone past have left a path that I can look back on with many a smile and the occassional wee tear but they have formed me into who I am now. I am actually very comfortable with me, I do not feel the pressure of having anything to prove to anyone, apart from me, and that’s a very important thing.

It took me a long, long time to realise that the only person who can make me happy is me. I have loved and I have lost, I have held on too long to something I truly wanted to work only to realise that the reason it wouldn’t was because I wasn’t loved back and I had to walk away. You need two people to make things work otherwise one of you is just “hanging on”.

Sometimes you have to take these things on the chin and face reality, and I know I have become real ..

I have posted this before, but it now seems more appropriate than ever

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

(quote from The Velveteen Rabbit)

too much of it makes you blind …

February 10, 2011

Brae regular Leave a comment

We all need confidence. Confidence is a mighty tool that we can use contructively in all aspects of our lives, whether it be personal relationships, business or pleasure.

The strength that confidence can give you is amazing, what people lack in talent they can make up for with a good old dose of confidence and personality.

There is certainly nothing wrong with confidence .. until it begins to turn into an egotistical belief.

Confident people know their strengths .. and their weaknesses. Egotists believe they have no weakness.

Egotists are always right, divert blame from themselves, cannot relinquish control and have the complete inability to apologise or to accept that they are wrong. Sadly their pride stops them from doing this.

Egotists are annoying and can be very damaging. They ruin opportunities given to them in their blind self belief. Their pride twisting facts to fit their story and their control. No-one elses opinion matters, they are wrong anyway, so why should the egotist give their point of view any consideration.

Sadly, more often than not, they end up driving away the people who care for them as the heavy toll of banging their head against a brick wall becomes too much.

Next time you have a disagreement remember that too much talking will make you deaf just like too much ego will make you blind.

For you …

February 8, 2011

Brae regular 1 Comment

Valentines day is fast approaching .. for some it will be a day of being spoilt and made to feel special. For others it will be a lonely time and just another day.

For all of us the days of competing to see who received the most valentines cards (one from your mum didn’t count!) are probably far behind us and now most of us are grateful to receive just one.

It is a pity we do not have an official “Friendship Day”, it would be wonderful to send a message to the people I spent time with in real life and on-line, as friendship comes in many different guises and for me some of my friends have been around longer than any of my relationships.

I have friends who I would lay down my life for, I have friends I can speak to, who want to listen to me. I have friends I watch over, in my own little (and sometimes misunderstood!) way.

I have friends who make me laugh, friends who make me mad (I do like a good argument!) and friends who understand me and my sometimes very “black and white” way of seeing things.

I have friends who I have never met in real life, who I appreciate so much for the online laughs, comments and for taking an interest in me.

If you are reading this then you probably fall into one of the categories above … so this post is for you.

So .. for this ~~Valentines~~ Friendship Day a huge thanks and virtual McHug from me to you .. whoever you are and wherever you may be.

Your appreciative friend ….

Liar Liar .. pants on fire (or attention seeking!)

January 30, 2011

Brae regular 1 Comment

Most of us, at some point, have been victims of emotional abuse. You know the sort of thing “I can’t live without you”.. “you are the only one who understands me” .. all that rubbish.

I have been there more than once.. and I have witnessed it being used on others. The difficult thing is, it is sometimes very hard to understand that it is happening to you, you make excuses, you begin to lie to cover up their behaviour, you begin to cling onto a tiny bit of “niceness” in the wilderness of crap that you find yourself wandering through.

I hate emotional abuse, if I hear it being used or threatened I completely turn off. I have a very very low opinion of people who use it, I certainly do not want anyone like that in my life. However lately there has been a huge increase in social media threats. Sadly one person did take her life, this was not down to facebook, but to her mental illness however it seems easier to blame facebook than for those closest to her to accept any responsibility. Passing the buck so they do not feel guilt.

I have witnessed a few people on facebook pull themselves apart because of this and of other threats, these people are being emotionally abused by the sad little idiots who just seem to know what buttons to press. My advice, clear them off your friends list, attention seekers will always demand attention and in “real life” would you have these people as friends .. I think not.

I am happy to add people to my friends list, but the moment I sniff a bit of emotional abuse or attention seeking (that isn’t done with bit of tongue in cheek humour!) they are off…

I have a strict “no emotional blackmailers” policy in my real life and in my social networking. It did take me a long time to see what damage can be done by these people but I am so glad I finally did.

Facebook is for social media, not for social work … perhaps we should remember this in our real lives too.

Things that make me go Grrrr!

January 21, 2011

Brae regular 1 Comment

Sometimes … well .. more than sometimes .. I can get on my high horse.. I can huff and puff, swear a bit and occassionally try to kick an arse or two!

I make no apologies for me .. it’s all part of who I am .. and sometimes even though I annoy people, I like to say what I think.

Today I read that an American woman who fell into a fountain whilst she was texting is going to sue .. you can see the video by clicking here (ignore the adverts at the beginning). What is wrong with people! Stupid twit that she is!

On a more serious note there are other people out there who think nothing of using others and getting their own way by emotional blackmail. The old “I really love you” , “I really need you”, “I can’t go on without you” “I will fling myself under a bus/truck” type. To be honest I run a mile from people like this. They really have no part in my life.

I hate to see friends of mine and others being badly treated by these “sweetness and light” people … however, it did take me a long time to learn that. I have fallen for the old “you don’t really love me”, “It’s your fault I feel like this” trick once too often .. but they were my lessons to learn and now I am glad I have because I can spot it coming a mile away.

These people really make me go Grrrrrrrrrr .. more than the drivers who pull out in front of me, the slow queues in the bank (Santander in Kirkcaldy .. get your friggin finger out!) , or just eejits in general – it really doesn’t take much for me to go Grrrrrrr! but I am just as easy to be made to go Prrrrrrrrr! too!

Anyway .. that’s my Grrrrrr! for today .. (so far!)

Privacy and respect

January 12, 2011

Brae regular 2 Comments

All of us expect to be able to choose our friends and what knowledge they have about you in real life. Online should be no different. I have a facebook account and I have chosen who I let see information. I have also chosen NOT to allow my information to become public to those who are not connected to me.

Through this I have lost a “real life” friend on facebook. It is rather more complicated than that but suffice to say that she is involved with someone who I want nothing to do with. This friend gave her password to her partner who then “fraped” her (childish I know!) but I objected to this person having access to my information and had no choice but to remove my “real life” friend from my friends list. To be honest I didn’t want to do this.. she is funny, articulate and intelligent and I enjoy her posts and her banter .. I have tried to explain how I feel but I was just shouted down.

She is not someone I want to fall out with.. she has her life to lead and she has chosen what information she shows to people on facebook .. yet objects to me wanting privacy from someone who should not have access to what I put on facebook.

I do not know if I am being overly suspicious .. but I have also sent texts that were friendly and sociable that were never received… or if they were .. they were deleted… I find this very strange and slightly worrying.

I do not know how to solve this .. opinions welcome…

Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Finding my way…

The reason I have been quiet!

Auld folk and chip butties …

Sorry ..

too much of it makes you blind …

For you …

Liar Liar .. pants on fire (or attention seeking!)

Things that make me go Grrrr!

Privacy and respect

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