Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Today, for the second day in a row I had a wonderful surprise waiting for me when I got home!

A present from the Wirral Girls who came to Fort William … and all I can say is thank you!  I am delighted!  But I really don’t deserve it!

Think I need to put her over my bed and try to pinch some of her wisdom! … her name is Wirral!

Life is never a smooth ride.  Perhaps it is not meant to be.  Through all the challenges we face, we become.

My own life has had major lows, I’ve lost a business, my home and everything I owned, the situation was caused by many reasons, the economic climate, a dodgy Royal Bank of Scotland Bank Manager (that was eventually jailed, but too late to help me) and by myself, for not making tough decisions at the right time.  

I learned a lot about myself then … I hit a great low and my first bought of depression that was stress related.   Life moved on, something inside of me just refused to quit and I ended up with another business, this time in partnership with a girlfriend.

Eventually this relationship broke down, through no-one’s fault really, it just run it’s course and we managed to keep a working relationship, but again this business was struggling, recruitment is a minefield and both myself and my ex could not, in our hearts, go down the route of zero hour contracts and so we sold off what we could and closed the business down.   The worry of history repeating itself, set me on a route to my second and more paralysing bout of stress related depression, that took me to places that I never want to visit again.

For my friends and for me, it was a shock, that “cheery” me, would sink again .. but I did.  I had wonderful friends who stood by me, and let me find my own feet, they didn’t prod, they didn’t pry… they just let me be to find the peace I wanted, but were there for support.

During this time I entered into another relationship that I knew never had legs, but it was a boost to my ego.  This relationship was a disaster, partly because I had no patience for immaturity and it ended very badly, with accusations that were totally unfounded, and that hurt.

I decided then that relationships were not for me … I took time out, found myself and my peace and carried on … I changed careers and I found something that I really love and I feel helps me give something back.

Life moved on again and suddenly and much to my surprise, I fell in love with a beautiful and caring woman, who I really thought would be by my side always.  But the clouds that gathered returned and although I tried hard to live a normal life and hide my growing sinking feeling, I know that I changed as a person.  I was very busy, and emotionally I was exhausted.   I wasn’t as affectionate or as sociable as I should have been.  Not as a reflection of how I felt about my partner, but how I felt about me… and through all my turmoil when she was with me, I found peace.

Out of the blue, my partner ended the relationship.  Although deep inside of me, I knew she wasn’t happy with the lack of affection, I thought we were strong enough together to ride out the storm, but I was wrong.

Since the breakup things have not been pretty, from both our sides and both of us have spoken cruel words, but in my heart of hearts I know she was the only woman I loved this deeply and I want her to be happy, even if it is not with me.

How it ended really hurt me, but again, perhaps I have to take a bit of the blame for that too and somewhere deep inside of me, I know, even though I am very hurt, I can’t blame her for being tempted elsewhere.

Sometimes you have to look at yourself and accept your failings, none of us are perfect but all of us hurt, some of us just hurt that little bit more deeply.

Life will go on again, sunny days will return.. and with my old and battered motorhome, I will start again on a new journey… where it will take me and my wee pup Sprout, I have no idea, but every journey has a new beginning.

This is mine.

There are days when the struggle becomes almost too much … too much anger and frustration … and it is hard to rest your mind and find your peace.

Then something happens … just a little thing … I heard a voice outside speaking to Sprout (my pup) and when I went to the door, there stood a woman from one of the local villages that I know, and I had taken the funeral for her dad a couple of months back.

She was standing with a bunch of tulips and a card that thanked me for taking the service for her dad … but also thanked me for inspiring posts… although lately I can’t say some of them have been that inspiring.

I came in and put the flowers in a vase and read the card again, and I found myself crying.

I know I have lovely friends who genuinely care from me, but a card and flowers from a woman who doesn’t really know me well is very touching.

It means a lot.  Thank you.

Or as my great wee pal Deb said … sometimes it is well trod!

It is no secret that I have recently been very badly hurt by the actions of a woman who I truly believed to be my life partner.

After a million and one excuses including that she wanted time to find herself, we had nothing in common, I was no fun (all of which are untrue!) it turns out that there was already someone lurking in the background.

We have all had a friend who was jealous of our relationship … they see a happy couple and think they can weedle their way in and substitute one half.  Far from being an understanding friend, they poke and prod away undermining the relationship and making out that they are the solution to the problem that THEY created.   This is not how it works, a substitute is just that … a replacement not the original.

I will not say my ex and I  had the perfect relationship,  no relationship is perfect, but it was the closest and most meaningful relationship I ever had… I know  I was at fault for many things, and although I was stressed out (and told her that!), it seems understanding was only one way.   I had to put up with a lot through our three years together, but in the end, when it was me that needed the understanding and patience, the bond I thought we had snapped.

I was heartbroken but I really did think she would take time out and realise just what we had and we could start again, but the blatant lies and the fact that she was already involved with someone else turned a switch in me and I realised that the jealousy I had to put up with from her (totally unfounded), was merely a mirror of herself.

I don’t think I ask too much from a relationship, I simply want someone who wants to be with me and is happy to be in my company, someone who will give me honesty and peace.

My ex never understood my need for peace.  I have a job that is emotionally very draining and sometimes I just like to sit and let things go, especially during my really busy times, but I always wanted her with me, I found great comfort in her company and was so proud to be with her.   Now I feel like a fool.

I like the simple things in life, I am not a big clubber these days and alcohol doesn’t do it for me, but, as my friends know, I do like a good night out now and again. But at the age of 57 I want something more than that … something more solid, built on two people who are willing to understand, hold .. and yes sometimes bicker … I want real.   Is it really that hard to find?

   Our journey through life will reach many destinations. Some pretty, some ugly .. but most will be a mixture of both. We travel life like we travel the world, the freer we are, the more we see, the lighter we travel, the more we gain.

But no matter how much we plan, there will be surprises. We will experience things that others can only dream of.. or dread. But it is our decisions, our paths and our moments that make each life unique.

We will meet as strangers and leave as friends, and sometimes the other way around,

But each person will make our journey just that little bit more special.

If we are lucky, we will always get to choose our path and no matter who, or what, we meet on our journey, whether it be adventure, love or happiness … in the end all we can hope for is that we have taken a journey that leaves hearts full of memories and love.

A lot has happened in the (nearly!) 3 years I touched my blog … I met a woman who I thought would be my life partner …  I thought we were happy and planning for the future … I was seriously mistaken.

My dog Brae died on Christmas Day (my birthday) after having a stroke … but my house was not a home without a pooch and so little Sprout came into my life .. and has turned it upside down.

I have bought a motorhome (old but perfectly useable!) and I now intend to travel around sitting by beaches, or up in the hills, lighting barbeques, meeting new friends and simply chilling out, while enjoying a wee drink or two as the sun goes down.

Although this is not a journey I would have chosen … it is one I find myself on .. and I am going to make the very best of it with Alice Alice (who the f*ck is Alice) the motorhome, and Sprout my wee cuddle monster of a dog!

Here is to my new journey … and those I meet on the way!

I have never been one for “blending in” … not sure why, just how I am.   I am more comfortable when I lead my own life, make my own decisions and choose what I want to do.   Sometimes this has clashed with my previous choices in life, my work, my relationships and with choices that I made because I felt it what was expected of me.

That all changed a few years ago now… a really low time in my life made me really look inwards and I realised that I worried too much about what other people thought about me, or wanted from me… and I realised I wasn’t happy at all.

My life has changed completely since then, I have a new career that I love, a new woman in my life, that I also love and I have found the peace that I always knew I wanted.

There have been times when my wee happy boat has been rocked .. mainly by the actions or comments of others, and even though it does still sting .. I am now in a place where I don’t care that much for the opinions of others who judge me for who I am or who I am sleeping with, friends with, or who do not agree with my opinions… (which rightly or wrongly I do tend to voice!).

I find it hard to understand why anyone would want to bitch or hold a grudge against me because I am happy in my life and just like to do “my own thing” .. but they do … I guess someone always will.

People seem to see those of us who like to stand alone as a threat .. and that is a fault in their make up not mine.   I have no control over that but I hope that one day they too can find peace in the life they are living and maybe then they will realise that trying to blend in is probably the easiest way of losing your own peace.

Be you .. stand tall … stop letting grievances that you hold with your own life stop you from realising that there are just some people who live their life their way, not as part of a pack.

Until then, I will continue to do my thing .. my way, with a happy wee smile on my face.   I wish you peace.

Some photos from the wee trip that Cath and I recently took up north.   She is a piece of me, and the peace of me.

Sometimes life just takes over …but a lot has been happening… so this is my catch up in 10 points!

1. I have been very, very busy with work both funerals and weddings!
2. I have also been very busy with Cath although diary syncronisation is difficult at times! – I even ended up driving to hers the other day for a breakfast date … because it was the only time we could see each other!
3. My cat Bo has still not come home … It is well over a month now and I am not confident of ever seeing her again
4. Brae has hurt her leg yet again! … there is a definite weakness there .. she has also just turned 13 … but she is happy enough, if a little limpy and has breath from the depths of hell!
5. I have had a wee holiday with my folks, a week in Adfern near Oban … wonderful scenery and the best week of weather in Scotland this year!
6. I have another wee holiday coming up next week .. just a couple of days in Glencoe and Seil Island .. it will be lovely to spend some quality time with Cath, we just seem to be ships in the night (or morning!) at the moment!
7. We have booked a wee holiday to Malta for February … after taking ages deciding where to go but even though it is only a week we have booked the best hotel we could find!  …. and it looks fabulous!
8. My diet has been blown out the window after my holiday last week … but back on track again … it is our aim to lose another 2 stone each by February ….
9. I have had horrible problems with my laptop(s) … my favourite one is currently sick and being looked at (for the second time in a week!) … mainly due to an update by my virus checker that then decided Windows 10 was evil!
10. Jilly (the other cat) has completely changed character since Bo has gone … she has started hunting, started wanting cuddles and has a definite ‘tude about her … it is actually a mixed blessing … I miss Bo, but I like the new Jilly very much!

That is about it … boring really .. so some photos to make up for it!

I have led an interesting life .. a life that I can look back and smile at.

A life that has sometimes hit the dust and a life that has reached the stars.

There have been times when I thought my world was ending not realising that it was simply the start of something new.

Most of all I have learned from my life that the bad times and the good times will come round in equal measure and it is how we deal with both of these that really matter.

In the good times I have learned very little about myself and life.. I have simply enjoyed my life as it was then.

In the bad times I have learned so much about myself, not always good, but always a great lesson.

I have met the wrong woman at the right time, and the right woman at the wrong time .. but for once in my life I have finally met the right woman at the right time.

I am not expecting the future to be all roses, because I know that life isn’t like that .. but what I do know is that I have found someone who I have total and utter trust in, a woman who gives me peace, yet lights my fire, a woman I want to make smile forever.

Soppy .. maybe … but the truth.

I am content, I am happy.  I am home.

Sometimes, if we are very lucky, we meet someone who has a profound effect on our lives.

Out of the blue, two world collide and they just naturally fit.  There is no pretending, no having to try too hard, no doubt .. just a comfortable, peaceful feeling that something feels right.

I have always said that you have to be on the same path as someone .. and that is still true .. but sometimes a wee detour brings you to someone who is heading for the same place as you, just from a different direction.

I have found peace in something that normally fills me with doubt and frustration .. and for me the peace that this gives me is priceless.

On paper we are from very different places in life .. I have walked boldly along the path of being gay and out .. while my partner has taken faltering baby steps .. but now our strides match and I truly feel I have someone by my side.

Our journey is very much beginning .. and there are no guarantees that we will reach our destination together ..but the niggles that normally bother me just do not exist .. I don’t feel I am being used as a temporary measure, a guardian or put up with.  I feel truly appreciated for me…and I feel understood …  and I hope that I am able enough and worthy enough to repay the true peace and contentment that I have from this back.

As my pal Meg said to me the other day “you have found someone who suits you” .. in truth I didn’t find her .. we just sort of stumbled upon each other by accident .. two disillusioned women .. one scared of what the future might hold .. the other too cynical to want to even bother about a relationship.  It was certainly not a meeting of minds … but perhaps a meeting of hearts.

I like to think so.