Brae. A gay woman's tale!

There are times when you have to say “I give up” … I rarely give up … I am just not that type really …  but sometimes you just have to shake your head, give a wry wee smile and realise that you have been a bit of a mug.

This weekend with an old mate and her girlfriend gave me one or two eye opening moments .. there is nothing like a mate that you have known for 20 odd years to say something that suddenly makes you go “fuck … I never realised that” …

Story goes back a wee while … and I am not going to go into detail apart from to say that in my opinion I done a lot for someone .. at a time in my life where it was hard for me to do anything for myself .. maybe my mind was better away from me and trying to help someone else .. I don’t know.

Anyway … I was then put through months of guilt (which I suffer from) … Only to find out that what was being said to me and my friends was not what was being said to others …  and that is all the detail I will go into.

I hold my hands up and say I did make excuses for this behaviour ..  and I did try to forge a friendship … because this was someone I did care about…. and basically that is who I am ..  and I did think that there was enough water under the bridge to wipe out any bitterness or ill feeling from what had gone before

However It is the first time in a few years that me and my mate have had a chance to have a good old natter … and all of a sudden she said to me … “you know when you were seeing XXXXXXX  we could all see you were being used” …. it stopped me in my tracks … 

I had never thought that … but .. sadly … it now all makes sense….. do I feel a mug .. yup … do I feel used .. yup … but you know what .. I would do the same for someone else again … does that make me stupid .. maybe … but I like trying to help people ..it is not a deliberate thing I do .. it is just part of who I am … so I will continue to do it.   I do not need people to appreciate what I do  … it gives me enough pleasure just being able to try to help.    

So .. for all of you who did try to warn me (looking back .. a few did!) … Im sorry … next time be more blunt with me .. Im crap with hints .. just stay it as it is .. I may not like what you say … I may grump and moan a bit … but .. I do listen … (honest!!)

Life is not always fair.  What we want we can’t always have.    People hurt us .. not always because they are cruel .. but because they want different things that we do… and sometimes relationships will never work because we all have different expectations.

How we deal with our disappointment and hurt depends on what type of person we are.

Some will swing between hate and love, wanting to the hurt the person who has hurt us.   In reality in the end you will just hurt yourself.

Some deny and lie … burying the truth behind a wall of lies until in the end they cannot see the truth on the other side.. but it will still be there … waiting, like a dangerous stalker, to pop up just when you least expect it.

Some will accept graciously, acknowledge their hurt or disappointment and move on.

How you deal with things is entirely up to you.     You can stay in the comfort zone of anger and punish yourself, you can lie and deny but deep inside you know that one day your lies will catch up with you .. or .. you can simply accept, smile at the memories and free yourself of all the baggage, realising that people cannot help how they feel

The key to your happiness or your bitterness is all based around your choices, your honesty and your strength.

Whether you are strong enough to free yourself depends on no-one but you.

I made a picture post tonight …. perhaps we should concentrate on being spectactular ….

Over the past week I have been bombarded by requests to post a heart on my facebook page to raise awareness of Breast Cancer … now .. excuse my sarcasm but we all KNOW it exists .. and we all know it can kill.

Let’s do something useful for a change …. if we donate just £1 towards the cause and share this link with our friends we can reach the target.

I have set up a fund raising page … take two minutes out of your time and donate just £1 … collectively it will make a difference …

OK … instead of placing useless hearts on our timeline .. let’s make a useful effort towards breast cancer. I have started a fundraising page for it … you can donate as little as £1 towards it … so instead of wasting our time with stupid hearts .. let’s do something useful ….. please share amongst your friends and let’s see if we can make a REAL difference!!   Find the fund raising page here  

Click to donate or copy the link below into your search bar.

http://myprojects.cancerresearchuk.org/fundraise/fundraising-pages/make-a-real-contribution-towards-breast-cancer

It is with a heavy heart and some disbelief that I read about the tragic suicide of Robin Williams today.    He is someone who has amused me and made me laugh on many occasions since his first days as Mork in Mork & Mindy (showing my age now!).

Depression is a monster … as some of you know if you have followed my blog I fought my own battle with it a couple of years ago … to be honest looking back I was depressed longer than I realised simply because I never in the world thought that someone like me would ever be depressed.     My depression was brought on by stress .. it crept up slowly on me .. and some days it was nothing more than an uncomfortable irk at the back of my mind.   Never during this period did I contemplate suicide … there was no need to .. I already felt dead inside … there were days when I didn’t see any reason to continue living .. there was nothing in my life .. or perhaps rather in ME that gave me any hope.

Depression is a terrible thing .. it robs you of all feeling .. you function .. but you don’t exist.  Perhaps for some this feeling of “not existing” is so strong it takes away their will to live.

The tragedy of it all is that the only people who truly understand it are those who have been through it .. at the time it was the lowest point in my life .. It was a struggle to make everything seem normal … it was the times when I was alone that I could really just be me .. no acting, no fooling people, no trying too hard.

In the end everything that had caused me the stress had to go … it was simply a case of survival .. either it went or the stress would kill me.

I have a new life now .. a simple life that to many would seem boring .. but to me it is just perfect .. It is what I need.   I am lucky because my natural instincts took over and took me the way down my new road to peace.

I am no longer on medication for depression .. I no longer have stress … and the ability to feel good things has returned.    I am no longer “obsessed” with trying to get the truth out of people .. or trying to understand them because it simply does not matter .. my life is finally mine again .. because I was lucky enough to be able to slip under the radar and find what I need out of life.   Sadly this is something Robin Williams could not do.   Fame and riches has it’s price … and sadly for him the cost has been too great.

Nanoonoo Robin Williams .. I hope your death in some ways makes people sit up and try to understand depression.

Advice is a great thing.   It is not always what you want to hear .. but sometimes you need to hear a different side of things to really get the full picture… 

However … sometimes “advice” is not as impartial as it seems … it can be given for someone’s own benefit or favour or out of jealousy.

We have to be adult enough to step back and listen to what is being said … not just what we want to hear .. but to what we do not want to hear to be able to form our OWN decisions.

Sadly, sometimes it is not advice we want but confirmation of our own thoughts .. we want people to agree with us whether it is right or wrong, true or false.

Weak people twist things to fit their own ideas and stories, even weaker people agree with them out of personal gain.

Something to think about …. 

Last night as I lay in bed unable to sleep due to doing far too much in the garden yesterday that set off the pain in my back and leg.. I was thinking about friendship and what it means to me.

I am lucky .. I have lots of people in my life who I love and adore .. fantastic friends who have shown me kindness and understanding even at my darkest moments when they believed in me and listened to me.  Even when I didn’t believe in myself.

I am at my happiest when I am in the company of these great people in my life (I cannot post pictures of all of you!).. I know they believe in the same foundations of friendship that I do .. trust, honesty and loyalty.   I do need friends in my life .. which is the complete opposite of how I feel about a relationship … what I get from the friends I have is the mental and emotional support that some people need from a partner.

The one common factor amongst all my friends is that they say it as it is … I don’t always like what they tell me .. and sometimes I do ignore their advice .. but, without fail, in hindsight they are always right.

Sometimes, to my great regret, I have been fooled .. and I can blame that on no-one but myself .. perhaps because I tend to say things as they are .. I tend to think that people will give me enough respect to treat me in the same.   I have at times been used … and so be it … I did  know what was being said did not match up the actions .. and I accept that.   I would rather give someone a chance (sometimes more than one!) before cutting them from my life.

I know as I go through life I will gain other friends who mean as much to me as some of those in the pictures above … and that is a great thing .. you cannot force a friendship .. the best one’s just happen and you can truly open your heart and let these people see the real side of you.

So to all my friends who mean a lot to me (and you all know who you are!) thank you … to all those I have yet to meet .. I’m looking forward to it!

In my job I meet families who are grieving for a loved one who has recently died.    The bravery of these people to sit with me and talk to me about very personal memories is something I admire.   Every family I have visited have smiled and laughed at some point as memories that often elude them at first come flooding back.   They often also have a wee cry too .. and that is fine  .. a tribute to someone’s life should be about laughter and tears .. and the stories they tell me allow me to make each tribute I take a very personal one.

I have heard stories that have made me howl with laughter .. and, on one occasion (when speaking to a family of a bit of a “loveable rogue”) was told that they couldn’t tell me some of the stories as it would make me an accomplice! 

My reputation is growing for being a Celebrant who can provide a very personal touch .. and I have 4 funerals this week … my business and my life, which has been put on hold because I couldn’t afford to do much is finally looking as if it is taking off …  BUT … the secret of my success is not in the words or stories I tell.. those come from the families ..  I am merely the speaker of memories .. but it is my ability to listen that helps me pick up on not just the words and memories but the emotional level of those .. this allows me to write a tribute that is true to each memory given to me for safekeeping.

We all have memories that are special to us … some good .. some bad ..  but they are our memories, our very own treasures that can open our hearts and our minds.

I am very honoured to be a speaker of someone’s very personal memories, being a Celebrant is a job with a lot of responsibility .. we create the last memory of someone and a memory for all those who attend the farewell.  

When my final farewell comes I hope the memories I leave will bring as many smiles to the people I love.. and who love me … and that is the finest tribute I could want.

I have just had the most fantastic weekend.. doing something that initially thought would be “a bit different” .. I had no idea how much I was going to enjoy it!

It was a weekend of learning to drum on Djembe drums … an African type of drum that you hold between your legs.

Not only did we learn different rhythms but we were also taught a couple of African songs … and with 20 people in a yurt (because of the torrential rain) the sound was just fantastic.

I really never expected to enjoy it so much .. infact I was only planning to go yesterday but went back today .. and it was a 40 mile drive to get there!

The ladies who were training us .. Sharon and Nikki actually live in Somerset .. but travel around during the summer doing various festivals and parties… this is a link to their website   ORGANIC RHYTHM … check it out … it really will open your eyes!

I am a bit of a born fighter.   I fight for what I believe in.   I fight for reasons that are important to me.

I have been guilty in the past of fighting too hard … and too long for things that I should have let go off long before.

I fought to keep my businesses alive .. to the detriment of my health and my peace .. I have fought to keep relationships and friendships until I realised that when you are fighting to keep things going beyond the normal realms of “making an effort” then you have to just walk away.

At times the perceived failure of my actions has caused me pain … but pain that is recoverable from .. in truth I never failed .. I tried, I fought.. I just didn’t succeed.

All of my past has brought me to where I am now.    I have a life that makes me happy.   I have lost the stress that I put on myself because of what others expected of me.   Now I just live my life in the way I want to.    I take care of me.

I share my emotional attachments with a few close friends, I have no-one relying on me to make them happy .. and play on my guilt.

This gift that I found for myself has given me freedom.  OK I do not have a lot of money but I survive .. and I sit here sometimes looking around me .. thinking about my life and think .. I am happy .. I am truly at peace.

For all my faults, and believe me, I have a few! .. I know I am honest, loyal and kind (sometimes too much!) … These are my strengths … and also my weaknesses … but that is who I am and that is who I will remain.

I have been trying to salvage a friendship recently .. until I realised I was the only one trying to do this … so .. I am letting it go .. sometimes “truth” as we see it is not the same between two people. I like to think I have always been constant with mine… but the same cannot be said in return.

It is time to let the final “irk” in my life go .. I have no reason to feel guilty .. I was reminded of this the other week when a friend of many years said to me  “it is great that you had so many friends standing beside you through your darkest time” … and that is true.   Until I realised who wasn’t there.

Actions do speak louder than words.   I have always believed that .. now it is the time to learn it.

I tried.. I did not succeed.   I can hold my head up.