Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing, some people do not deserve your words.
It is all making sense to me now …
March 22, 2013
regular defence, defense, lesbian, lie, truth Leave a comment
Once upon a time …
March 21, 2013
We all write our own story.
We punctuate, we highlight, we dictate.
We make mistakes that we try to overwrite but sometimes we have to erase because the word’s don’t fit or are misunderstood.
In the end it is just a story, a fairy tale that never really existed.
We all choose to write our own ending.
The end.
New Beginnings
March 20, 2013
regular friends, new start Leave a comment
Today is a huge day for two of my closest and most loved friends.
Today their lives may change forever .. and I wish with all my heart that it does!
I will mention no names .. but people who know them will know who I talking about, and appreciate how much love and care these two very special women have, not just for each other, but for all of us who are lucky enough to class them as friends.
Today is the first day of Spring .. (even though I am currently looking out of my window at snow!) .. and I hope that after today your lives are spent frolicking like wee lambs in a field!
I hope that the next time we meet will be for a huge celebration … you both certainly deserve all the happiness you can find.
You are much loved by all of us … walk tall, walk proud, you are simply the best!
Grey Area
March 15, 2013
regular friendship, lesbian, sycophant Leave a comment
I like things simple. I really do not cope well with “grey areas” in any part of my life so tend to be very “black and white” about things. I like it that way, I find it less confusing.
I am the same with my friendships. People know where they stand with me.. if I like someone they know it. If I do not like someone, they also know it.
Being so black and white does have it’s disadvantages and does mean that sometimes I am a little impatient when I am in the grey area… it is something I know about me and just accept.
I like things straight forward .. I cannot stand lies or people who will tell me what they think I like or want to hear .. I want to hear the truth, whether it hurts me or whether I agree with it .. as long as it is the truth I can and do handle it. My best friends know this … and even though all of them at sometime have been through a bloody good argument with me, we are still friends, disagreeing does not ruin a friendship, it enhances it, makes us understand and respect each other more.
What I sometimes forget is that not everyone thinks like me .. some people do like to believe only what they want to hear.
I am no sycophant, I am no hypocrite … I am who I am .. not everyone can handle that, not every friendship will survive that.
Priorities
March 14, 2013
regular lesbian, love,, priorities, relationships 4 Comments
I was having a bit of a laugh today on Facebook with some friends about chat up lines and relationships and stuff … you know .. the “love” and “relationship” stuff…
We all have different expectations from a relationship .. and are often left disappointed when we feel our expectations are not being met … or they are not how we “dream” they will be.
Everyone loves and needs to be loved in a very different way .. what is right for one person is not always right for another … I am not that tactile .. I need a partner that is more tactile than me .. but not overly so … I find the demands of an overly tactile person too much and smothering for me .. and it makes me feel uneasy because it does not “ring true”.
I am not a person who is or ever will be the greatest partner in someone’s life … I like my own wee ways, my quiet times, my thinking time, not because I do not want to be in the same room or company as someone.. but just because sometimes I have to relax and I can only do that by having time inside my own head….
As I have aged I have become more aware of my own need for peace .. peace of mind and peace of heart .. I do not want a huge heart thumping romance that will reach into my soul and tear my heart out .. I have had those when I was younger .. and they never last ..
I would rather have a relationship that was peaceful, truthful and honest … that gave me calmness and strength rather than excitement and passion .. understanding instead of arguments.
Sometimes you can be in a relationship that you know could be amazing .. but something just doesn’t click .. your priorities differ .. your needs differ and instead of being a healthy and loving relationship it turns into something dramatic and destructive. This is no-one’s fault .. it is just the fundamental differences that cannot be overcome. You have to step back .. let go and find your level with someone who fits.
I am 52, I am single with a string of relationships behind me … some of which were healthy, some of which were less so … do I want another relationship now? I am not sure .. I do not want something I cannot see reaching into my future, I would have to be very confident that a relationship would last … until my last breath .. I do not want the hurt and the self doubt again and the feeling of being a bit lost.
I have found my balance and my peace again … I want to keep that .. so unless a miracle happens I will continue to do my own wee thing … flirt around a bit .. have a laugh … and do nothing apart from laugh…
If, at the end, I have no-one to hold my hand .. then I hope I will leave plenty of smiles in some hearts.
Acceptance
March 13, 2013
regular acceptance, challenge, lesbian, peace, religion Leave a comment
All of us at sometime have to stop and just look at our lives, our situations and our feelings and face up to a few home truths that are sometimes difficult to accept.
We have to look at ourselves on the inside. The outside doesn’t matter .. it is superficial .. it is what INSIDE that makes us, our feelings, our thoughts, our acceptance of who we are, good and bad. It is only when we can do this and truly accept our faults and weaknesses along with our strengths that we really begin to understand ourselves and life.
I have plenty of faults, as we all do. None of us are perfect or anywhere near it .. but you cannot go through life concentrating on what you are not, what we have to do is look at what we are .. honestly .. and realise that we will never be happy while we pretend to be someone that we are not.
I accept myself, and all my bad points… I know my weaknesses … I know where I fall down but I also know my strengths ..
I am happy to accept me as I am. Maybe that is why I have found my peace again.
Life Lessons
March 12, 2013
I have not reached the grand old age of 52 without learning something about life .. and the lessons it teaches us.
I do know that you cannot teach someone about life .. you can tell them about YOUR life but they have to go out there and find themselves by making their own mistakes.
You never stop learning .. there is always a lesson to be learned .. and tonight I have learned not one .. but TWO lessons .. that I will share.
- Fruit is not healthy … fruit is a danger .. I nearly choked on an orange pip. I have never nearly choked on a chocolate biscuit.
- Onesies – great for keeping warm, but a nightmare to go to the loo in … especially when the hood falls down the loo and you don’t notice …
Take note young women and men of this world .. my wisdom is immense … learn from me ..
The power of words
March 12, 2013
regular depression, lesbian, older lesbian, words Leave a comment
My blog is my blog .. it is the place where I put down what I think and what I feel, my opinions and my thoughts .. it is like a little insight into my brain. I have at times managed to rid myself of frustration and anger by putting down in words in my blog what I have not had the opportunity to say and I have meant every word I have written as I wrote it .. although sometimes it has been more of a vent .. and on hindsight and after the frustration died down those words seem a little hollow to me.
I have had the odd comment about how people agree with some of the things I have written (or for that matter disagree!) .. and that is great … but I have had my eyes opened numerous times on the messages I have received when I wrote about (and during) the period last year when I went through depression.
Today, I received a private message from someone I do not know, who has found my blog via my Facebook Page “A dog called Brae” … and her words have hit home in a big way .. I realise that sometimes by doing little but expressing ourselves we find someone who understands how we feel, how we are thinking and how that makes us realise we are not alone.
“I found your blog by accident after a friend introduced me to your facebook page. I started reading your page and then realized you also had a blog. I have spent the whole of Sunday reading every single blog and found myself crying, laughing, agreeing and shouting at what you wrote. I cannot say I agree with everything, but you made me stop, re-evaluate and realize that I am not alone during this hard period in my life.
I thought I would write to you to say thank you. I do not know you, but I hope you are as genuine in real life as you appear on your blog.
People like you have the power to make a difference.
Thank you.”
Now… I do not think I make any particular difference to people’s lives … I have just been trying to make a difference to mine …. BUT .. this message is something I will always treasure, if all I have ever done with my blog is make me feel better and helped one person in a small way then I can ask for nothing more.
Thank YOU for your words, and your time. I am very honoured.
Feed love with trust
March 5, 2013
regular lesbian, love,, trust 2 Comments
Sometimes you are just sitting having a coffee .. and a wee thing pop’s up on Facebook that makes something click in your head.
I know I don’t fall in love easily but today I realised something quite profound …. it does take me a wee while to fall and I always thought I was cautious with my heart .. but it is not that at all .. I’m cautious with my TRUST! …. I have only fallen in love with a few women who I really trust (or trusted as the case may be! LOL)…
The relationships, have ended without me losing my trust in those people … maybe that is why some of my closest friends are ex’s .. They have my trust!! …
I guess we all have something that we look for in a partner and we will not be happy in a relationship unless we satisfy what makes us comfortable and relaxed enough to fall in love .. I know what I want (and I hate to say it .. but do NEED too!) …
If you had to list five things you needed from a partner to be able to fall in love (in order of importance) … what would they be?
These are mine!
1. Trust
2. Affection
3. Understanding
4. Sex
5. Reliability
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 