Brae. A gay woman's tale!

After not much sleep last night for various reasons … today I had to take my wee pup Sprout to the vet to be spayed.

She was not allowed anything to eat after 8pm last night … and when my friends Barry and Neil popped round, she was like a mad thing … during the night she was up and down, but I was awake for most of it anyway, so it didn’t really matter!

This morning she was like a Tasmanian Devil … a Dervish whirling round like house like a whirlwind, driving me and the cats mad.

I took her into the vets and she promptly peed all over the floor and scales … (she does that when she gets excited!) … and when I left, she was howling like a banshee … I got in my car and had a wee cry!

Sometimes I am too soft for my own good!

I have a busy day today, which will help with not worrying too much and hopefully, when I pick her up this evening, she will not hold any grudges!

There are times when I slip into a place of nothingness.   I call it my flatline place.

It comes after I have struggling with pressures and emotion.  It is not a bad place, it is the first step in a road to recovery.   Things that hurt and bounced around my head begin to settle down.  It may not make sense, but it does not seem to have the same effect on me.

My Flatline place is where recovery begins.  From being able to feel nothing but pain and frustration, my flatline place gives me breathing space.  A place to regroup, refocus and move on… or at least find something to look forward to.

I am in my flatline place at the moment.  I still have worries and concerns, that hopefully my hospital appointment next week will sort out… but everything else that has hurt me recently is beginning to slip behind me.  I may not like what has happened but I know I have no option accept it for my own peace of mind.

I may not yet be in my happy place, but I know it lies ahead of me, and I look forward to finding it again.

Today, for the second day in a row I had a wonderful surprise waiting for me when I got home!

A present from the Wirral Girls who came to Fort William … and all I can say is thank you!  I am delighted!  But I really don’t deserve it!

Think I need to put her over my bed and try to pinch some of her wisdom! … her name is Wirral!

Life is never a smooth ride.  Perhaps it is not meant to be.  Through all the challenges we face, we become.

My own life has had major lows, I’ve lost a business, my home and everything I owned, the situation was caused by many reasons, the economic climate, a dodgy Royal Bank of Scotland Bank Manager (that was eventually jailed, but too late to help me) and by myself, for not making tough decisions at the right time.  

I learned a lot about myself then … I hit a great low and my first bought of depression that was stress related.   Life moved on, something inside of me just refused to quit and I ended up with another business, this time in partnership with a girlfriend.

Eventually this relationship broke down, through no-one’s fault really, it just run it’s course and we managed to keep a working relationship, but again this business was struggling, recruitment is a minefield and both myself and my ex could not, in our hearts, go down the route of zero hour contracts and so we sold off what we could and closed the business down.   The worry of history repeating itself, set me on a route to my second and more paralysing bout of stress related depression, that took me to places that I never want to visit again.

For my friends and for me, it was a shock, that “cheery” me, would sink again .. but I did.  I had wonderful friends who stood by me, and let me find my own feet, they didn’t prod, they didn’t pry… they just let me be to find the peace I wanted, but were there for support.

During this time I entered into another relationship that I knew never had legs, but it was a boost to my ego.  This relationship was a disaster, partly because I had no patience for immaturity and it ended very badly, with accusations that were totally unfounded, and that hurt.

I decided then that relationships were not for me … I took time out, found myself and my peace and carried on … I changed careers and I found something that I really love and I feel helps me give something back.

Life moved on again and suddenly and much to my surprise, I fell in love with a beautiful and caring woman, who I really thought would be by my side always.  But the clouds that gathered returned and although I tried hard to live a normal life and hide my growing sinking feeling, I know that I changed as a person.  I was very busy, and emotionally I was exhausted.   I wasn’t as affectionate or as sociable as I should have been.  Not as a reflection of how I felt about my partner, but how I felt about me… and through all my turmoil when she was with me, I found peace.

Out of the blue, my partner ended the relationship.  Although deep inside of me, I knew she wasn’t happy with the lack of affection, I thought we were strong enough together to ride out the storm, but I was wrong.

Since the breakup things have not been pretty, from both our sides and both of us have spoken cruel words, but in my heart of hearts I know she was the only woman I loved this deeply and I want her to be happy, even if it is not with me.

How it ended really hurt me, but again, perhaps I have to take a bit of the blame for that too and somewhere deep inside of me, I know, even though I am very hurt, I can’t blame her for being tempted elsewhere.

Sometimes you have to look at yourself and accept your failings, none of us are perfect but all of us hurt, some of us just hurt that little bit more deeply.

Life will go on again, sunny days will return.. and with my old and battered motorhome, I will start again on a new journey… where it will take me and my wee pup Sprout, I have no idea, but every journey has a new beginning.

This is mine.

There are days when the struggle becomes almost too much … too much anger and frustration … and it is hard to rest your mind and find your peace.

Then something happens … just a little thing … I heard a voice outside speaking to Sprout (my pup) and when I went to the door, there stood a woman from one of the local villages that I know, and I had taken the funeral for her dad a couple of months back.

She was standing with a bunch of tulips and a card that thanked me for taking the service for her dad … but also thanked me for inspiring posts… although lately I can’t say some of them have been that inspiring.

I came in and put the flowers in a vase and read the card again, and I found myself crying.

I know I have lovely friends who genuinely care from me, but a card and flowers from a woman who doesn’t really know me well is very touching.

It means a lot.  Thank you.

Or as my great wee pal Deb said … sometimes it is well trod!

It is no secret that I have recently been very badly hurt by the actions of a woman who I truly believed to be my life partner.

After a million and one excuses including that she wanted time to find herself, we had nothing in common, I was no fun (all of which are untrue!) it turns out that there was already someone lurking in the background.

We have all had a friend who was jealous of our relationship … they see a happy couple and think they can weedle their way in and substitute one half.  Far from being an understanding friend, they poke and prod away undermining the relationship and making out that they are the solution to the problem that THEY created.   This is not how it works, a substitute is just that … a replacement not the original.

I will not say my ex and I  had the perfect relationship,  no relationship is perfect, but it was the closest and most meaningful relationship I ever had… I know  I was at fault for many things, and although I was stressed out (and told her that!), it seems understanding was only one way.   I had to put up with a lot through our three years together, but in the end, when it was me that needed the understanding and patience, the bond I thought we had snapped.

I was heartbroken but I really did think she would take time out and realise just what we had and we could start again, but the blatant lies and the fact that she was already involved with someone else turned a switch in me and I realised that the jealousy I had to put up with from her (totally unfounded), was merely a mirror of herself.

I don’t think I ask too much from a relationship, I simply want someone who wants to be with me and is happy to be in my company, someone who will give me honesty and peace.

My ex never understood my need for peace.  I have a job that is emotionally very draining and sometimes I just like to sit and let things go, especially during my really busy times, but I always wanted her with me, I found great comfort in her company and was so proud to be with her.   Now I feel like a fool.

I like the simple things in life, I am not a big clubber these days and alcohol doesn’t do it for me, but, as my friends know, I do like a good night out now and again. But at the age of 57 I want something more than that … something more solid, built on two people who are willing to understand, hold .. and yes sometimes bicker … I want real.   Is it really that hard to find?

   Our journey through life will reach many destinations. Some pretty, some ugly .. but most will be a mixture of both. We travel life like we travel the world, the freer we are, the more we see, the lighter we travel, the more we gain.

But no matter how much we plan, there will be surprises. We will experience things that others can only dream of.. or dread. But it is our decisions, our paths and our moments that make each life unique.

We will meet as strangers and leave as friends, and sometimes the other way around,

But each person will make our journey just that little bit more special.

If we are lucky, we will always get to choose our path and no matter who, or what, we meet on our journey, whether it be adventure, love or happiness … in the end all we can hope for is that we have taken a journey that leaves hearts full of memories and love.

A lot has happened in the (nearly!) 3 years I touched my blog … I met a woman who I thought would be my life partner …  I thought we were happy and planning for the future … I was seriously mistaken.

My dog Brae died on Christmas Day (my birthday) after having a stroke … but my house was not a home without a pooch and so little Sprout came into my life .. and has turned it upside down.

I have bought a motorhome (old but perfectly useable!) and I now intend to travel around sitting by beaches, or up in the hills, lighting barbeques, meeting new friends and simply chilling out, while enjoying a wee drink or two as the sun goes down.

Although this is not a journey I would have chosen … it is one I find myself on .. and I am going to make the very best of it with Alice Alice (who the f*ck is Alice) the motorhome, and Sprout my wee cuddle monster of a dog!

Here is to my new journey … and those I meet on the way!