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The hardest part about being a lesbian

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gone

Is the break ups… especially the one’s you don’t see coming.  In an instant the person who, over the years, was a major part of your life is gone.

You lose so much more than a lover.  You lose your best friend, your confidant, your partner, the one person who always made you feel calm inside.  The person you trusted more than anyone else in the world, simply because of how they make you feel. The person you wanted more than anything in the world.

Suddenly, She is gone.

You are replaced.

She is not.

She is gone.

To pastures new.

You are no longer part of her life.

No longer someone she wants to spend time with.

No longer the person that makes her smile.

No longer the person whose touch makes her heart beat faster

No longer the person she turns to in times of trouble.

No longer the one she wants to hold.

No longer the person to share in her world.

She is gone.

 

 

Listen to the Rain

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rainI lay in bed for hours last night just listening to the rain.

I have always found a peace when I do this, and last night was no exception.

Words from many of my friends were whirling round my head and although I had heard them, I hadn’t really taken them to heart.

Last night gave me the chance to do that.

I thought about all I knew and all I have been told and in amongst all my thoughts peace began to settle.

I know that  no matter how many questions that will go unanswered and no matter how hurt I am, that I cannot change the past.  I have to accept that.

I am not someone who needs to rush into a relationship, I don’t try to mask the pain of what I feel with short term excitement, that in the end just causes more problems and hurt.

I am going to do my normal “time out” that I always need to find my balance again, before I even let myself consider any future relationship.  I need to have the strength in me to be able to commit myself fully to someone without thoughts of regret lurking in the background.

Last night the rain brought this all home to me.   My life is different now, different to what it was before I met my ex and different after she left me.   But a new life is full of possibilities and destinations yet to be reached.

I may indulge in a little fun along the way, but I will not settle for something that helps me “feel better” … I will only settle for something that I feel has the legs to last, not a temporary measure.  If it happens, it happens, if not, then I am sure there will be much laughter and fun coming my way.

Even after all the hurt I have been through (and still going through), I still believe in love and right now I am learning to love myself again.

For now that will do.

 

 

 

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