Brae. A gay woman's tale!

My day was not as I expected … first of all my back didn’t hold up as well as I hoped it would .. I did manage to weedkill everything … but by that time I was nearly on my hands and knees!… I have had to arrange for my wee pal Willie to come along on a weekly basis to cut my grass and weed for me.  This garden is a bit big for me to handle, especially with a back that loves to give me jip!

But worse than that, my mum had another wee turn today, the second in just over two weeks … luckily my brother was with her at the time … and thankfully, this time she was sitting down, so didn’t collapse on a heap on the floor and bang her head off the fridge!

I went down and sat with her for a while to allow my brother to go to his work and waited with her until my sister came home … but by the time I left she had managed a cup of tea and was chatting away.

I have told her to go to the doctors … I am convinced that the high blood pressure tablets she is on are causing this .. her blood pressure is normal and I don’t think she should be on them … but I am no medical expert … she did agree to go and see the doctor, but it was almost too easy … so I am not sure if she was just palming me off!  (she is a stubborn auld bugger!).

But amidst all of the palaver that I hadn’t planned … I also had an unexpected phone call from a new friend that brought a smile to my face.

Life cannot be planned … you just have to roll with it!

All through our lives we change, or at least we should!

When I was younger, my focus was on having a good night out with friends and I have to say I had some fantastic nights!

But … as I have grown older my focus has changed … I still love to meet up with friends and have a drink now and again, but as my life has unfolded, I have realised the importance of finding peace and happiness in my own company.

I spend a lot of time alone, although I can honestly say I am never lonely.   If I do feel the need for company I know I have friends I can visit or who can visit me.

My priorities in life have changed … I value peace, trust and honesty above all else and this is perhaps down to what I have been through in my life.

I have had 2 major relationships lasting 10 years and 8 years … and both these women I still trust fully to this day.  We may not speak regularly but I still respect and value them as people and I hope they do the same with me.

However, it was not the ending of these relationships that hurt me the most… both these relationships simply ran their course … one because we were very young when we got together and in the end were living very separate lives … and the second because of working and living together 24 hours a day, 365 days a week … in the end we had nothing to talk about… but the stress of having a business together also took it’s toll.

But it was neither of these relationships that hurt me the most … Two that  lasted a couple of years each were the one’s that really hit me .. one was quite an up and down relationship that never gave me peace but it was the one that taught me that peace in myself and in a relationship was so important and for that I will always be grateful.

The other, most recent hurt, took away my peace … I had no idea the relationship was in trouble … but perhaps I should have known … there were too many things I wasn’t told and it was relationship that was “stuck” … although I accepted the many excuses why it couldn’t move forward, in my heart I never really understood them… but I did try to .. and that was a huge error on my part.

But … again I have learned from this … I have learned that truth comes in many forms and when doubt starts niggling, to listen to it.

The new chapter of my life has well and truly begun … I did, for a while, worry about how I would be when the time came for me to take the first steps in this … but it was easier and nicer than I thought!… and the sparkle in eye and in my soul is definitely back!

I have found my feet again, I no longer have that awful sinking feeling in my stomach and the need to cry at every sad song … the pain of jealousy knowing my ex is with someone else has gone … as is the stunned disbelief that we actually broke up.

I have realised that if she had wanted our relationship to continue, she would have chosen to speak to me … she didn’t … she made her choice and I do hope, for her sake, that she is happy … I have to say that during our time together, I thought she was perfect and it was perhaps for that reason that I overlooked a lot of things that I shouldn’t have.

I know now that my peace and happiness comes from within me … I don’t need someone in my bed to make me happy … when I love someone, I love them more than just for sex … sex is easy to find but the excitement does run it’s course … and that emotional connection that wants you to be the very best you can be for someone is much more important … as is the feeling of peace that you get with that connection.

Love, for me, is being with someone who shares the same values as me .. honesty, openness and trust and who has the strength of character to want to be in relationship though good and bad times … and who can speak up for themselves … I don’t want someone weak who needs to follow me … I don’t want someone too strong who feels they have to lead me … I want someone to be by side so we can help and support each other through the many trials that life brings.  I never want to need anyone, I just want to want them and be wanted in return.

Until that happens, if it happens, I will be the person there for me, as I have been in the past and will be again in the future.

I shall become.