Brae. A gay woman's tale!

I’ve completed part one of my clear out! Drawers all sorted and Keep, Charity and Bin plea dealt with.. found 10 tee shirts that I forgot I had! All washed and drying! All clothes for my week away already in Alice Alice too!

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last breath, I was honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man when had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash. At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him, he couldn’t speak due to the pipes and tubes that were attached to him so I moved closer as he pointed at his mouth. I said I didn’t know what he wanted and asked if he could write, he nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the pen fell to the floor, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you its all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail, he now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my car in the car park with heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers. I somehow managed to get to the car without breaking up, and, as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from the recently deceased. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the bonnet. It just looked gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket. I have now got home and was about to throw it away but the though hit me, it might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words, it just appears to be a jumble of letters. I decided to share it on Facebook and Twitter to see if anyone could decipher it, I never was any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety (I’m not sure whether or not he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil ) it says “GETOFFMYFUCKINGOXYGENPIPEYOUFATBAST”…..any ideas?

Do you ever wonder if anyone else thinks like you?

Do you ever wonder if anyone else loves like you?

I don’t know if I have old fashioned values, or whether in this day and age of “disposal” goods if people really know what a relationship is all about.

I have had lots of “short term” relationships in my life … but after the initial excitement of someone new had begun to wear off, I realised that these women would not be permanent fixtures in my life and so the relationship ended before it dragged on longer and caused more hurt in the future.

I have been on the receiving end of these to and that is fair enough, you are not always everyone’s cup of tea.

But when I love, I love … it hasn’t been often but so far have ended up hurt and disappointed each time.

I don’t know if I believe all the bullshit about “I’ve never loved anyone this much”  “I’ve never had a lover that makes me feel like this before” … but I am fooled somewhere along the line.

I guess we all have our own moral codes and standards … it would explain a lot about why I have had a lover that was jealous to the extreme … not because of anything I done, but perhaps because she judged me based on her own morals and actions.

I have no idea.

I did toy with the idea of going back to my old “friends with benefits” thing that I used to do when I was younger … but in all honesty, I can’t be bothered … perhaps because there was no depth of feeling involved, just a physical act and a laugh … no commitment, no being a priority in someone’s life…. and I think in all honesty, I have outgrown all that … I do want commitment, I do want to be a priority.  I want to be someone’s last.

I do know I still believe in love, I may be a bit more cynical and a lot more wary, but in my heart of hearts I know there are good people out there, who want to commit, who want to share their lives, who want to plan for a future together.

I also know that at the moment I am nowhere near ready for a relationship.  I am still hurting and working through the disbelief and pain that my ex left in her wake … and although she has moved on (actually she moved on before we split) … I know I can’t judge every woman on what she done and how she treated me at the end.

I know there are good women out there … who are wondering exactly the same as I am … maybe one day, on my many new journey’s to come, I will meet her… and at last be able  let my weary heart smile.

There are days when writing a couple of tributes, that should be a straight forward job, becomes a huge task.

Today is one of these days, I am finding it hard to concentrate on the job in hand and instead my brain is wandering to the plans I have for my holiday in a weeks time.

A quick walk with the dog is in order to clear my head I think … then, hopefully, when I plank my bum back in front of my  laptop, my brain will be in tune with what I have to do!