lesbian | Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Contentment

March 28, 2013

Brae regular contentment, lesbian, peace 2 Comments

I do not think I understood the meaning of contentment when I was younger. There was always something to aim for, people to see or a woman to conquer!

These days things are very different, maybe I have experienced enough good AND bad times in my life to understand it .. or maybe I have just grown weary of the drama and the arguments, I don’t know but right now I am contented… I am happy, relaxed, peaceful and enjoying myself.

As I look back and remember what was important to me when I was younger, success, money, love .. I realise that these still hold true but in a very different way.

Success is now being happy with my life, money is having enough to get me from one pay day to another but able to not worry too much, love.. well, love is all about learning to love yourself, the good and the bad.

I can’t say I “practice” contentment .. or I looked for it, it just sort of happened.

I have achieved and gained lots in my life. I have also lost everything I worked all my life for and had to start again.. and I discovered the actual starting again was much less than the worry about having to do it.. It gave me a different perspective and although I do, from time to time, lose my peace and my contentment, I know it is lurking out there waiting for me. Sometimes I just have to wait for it to return.

It is all making sense to me now …

March 22, 2013

Brae regular defence, defense, lesbian, lie, truth Leave a comment

Grey Area

March 15, 2013

Brae regular friendship, lesbian, sycophant Leave a comment

I like things simple. I really do not cope well with “grey areas” in any part of my life so tend to be very “black and white” about things. I like it that way, I find it less confusing.

I am the same with my friendships. People know where they stand with me.. if I like someone they know it. If I do not like someone, they also know it.

Being so black and white does have it’s disadvantages and does mean that sometimes I am a little impatient when I am in the grey area… it is something I know about me and just accept.

I like things straight forward .. I cannot stand lies or people who will tell me what they think I like or want to hear .. I want to hear the truth, whether it hurts me or whether I agree with it .. as long as it is the truth I can and do handle it. My best friends know this … and even though all of them at sometime have been through a bloody good argument with me, we are still friends, disagreeing does not ruin a friendship, it enhances it, makes us understand and respect each other more.

What I sometimes forget is that not everyone thinks like me .. some people do like to believe only what they want to hear.

I am no sycophant, I am no hypocrite … I am who I am .. not everyone can handle that, not every friendship will survive that.

Priorities

March 14, 2013

Brae regular lesbian, love,, priorities, relationships 4 Comments

I was having a bit of a laugh today on Facebook with some friends about chat up lines and relationships and stuff … you know .. the “love” and “relationship” stuff…

We all have different expectations from a relationship .. and are often left disappointed when we feel our expectations are not being met … or they are not how we “dream” they will be.

Everyone loves and needs to be loved in a very different way .. what is right for one person is not always right for another … I am not that tactile .. I need a partner that is more tactile than me .. but not overly so … I find the demands of an overly tactile person too much and smothering for me .. and it makes me feel uneasy because it does not “ring true”.

I am not a person who is or ever will be the greatest partner in someone’s life … I like my own wee ways, my quiet times, my thinking time, not because I do not want to be in the same room or company as someone.. but just because sometimes I have to relax and I can only do that by having time inside my own head….

As I have aged I have become more aware of my own need for peace .. peace of mind and peace of heart .. I do not want a huge heart thumping romance that will reach into my soul and tear my heart out .. I have had those when I was younger .. and they never last ..

I would rather have a relationship that was peaceful, truthful and honest … that gave me calmness and strength rather than excitement and passion .. understanding instead of arguments.

Sometimes you can be in a relationship that you know could be amazing .. but something just doesn’t click .. your priorities differ .. your needs differ and instead of being a healthy and loving relationship it turns into something dramatic and destructive. This is no-one’s fault .. it is just the fundamental differences that cannot be overcome. You have to step back .. let go and find your level with someone who fits.

I am 52, I am single with a string of relationships behind me … some of which were healthy, some of which were less so … do I want another relationship now? I am not sure .. I do not want something I cannot see reaching into my future, I would have to be very confident that a relationship would last … until my last breath .. I do not want the hurt and the self doubt again and the feeling of being a bit lost.

I have found my balance and my peace again … I want to keep that .. so unless a miracle happens I will continue to do my own wee thing … flirt around a bit .. have a laugh … and do nothing apart from laugh…

If, at the end, I have no-one to hold my hand .. then I hope I will leave plenty of smiles in some hearts.

Acceptance

March 13, 2013

Brae regular acceptance, challenge, lesbian, peace, religion Leave a comment

All of us at sometime have to stop and just look at our lives, our situations and our feelings and face up to a few home truths that are sometimes difficult to accept.

We have to look at ourselves on the inside. The outside doesn’t matter .. it is superficial .. it is what INSIDE that makes us, our feelings, our thoughts, our acceptance of who we are, good and bad. It is only when we can do this and truly accept our faults and weaknesses along with our strengths that we really begin to understand ourselves and life.

I have plenty of faults, as we all do. None of us are perfect or anywhere near it .. but you cannot go through life concentrating on what you are not, what we have to do is look at what we are .. honestly .. and realise that we will never be happy while we pretend to be someone that we are not.

I accept myself, and all my bad points… I know my weaknesses … I know where I fall down but I also know my strengths ..

I am happy to accept me as I am. Maybe that is why I have found my peace again.

The power of words

March 12, 2013

Brae regular depression, lesbian, older lesbian, words Leave a comment

My blog is my blog .. it is the place where I put down what I think and what I feel, my opinions and my thoughts .. it is like a little insight into my brain. I have at times managed to rid myself of frustration and anger by putting down in words in my blog what I have not had the opportunity to say and I have meant every word I have written as I wrote it .. although sometimes it has been more of a vent .. and on hindsight and after the frustration died down those words seem a little hollow to me.

I have had the odd comment about how people agree with some of the things I have written (or for that matter disagree!) .. and that is great … but I have had my eyes opened numerous times on the messages I have received when I wrote about (and during) the period last year when I went through depression.

Today, I received a private message from someone I do not know, who has found my blog via my Facebook Page “A dog called Brae” … and her words have hit home in a big way .. I realise that sometimes by doing little but expressing ourselves we find someone who understands how we feel, how we are thinking and how that makes us realise we are not alone.

“I found your blog by accident after a friend introduced me to your facebook page. I started reading your page and then realized you also had a blog. I have spent the whole of Sunday reading every single blog and found myself crying, laughing, agreeing and shouting at what you wrote. I cannot say I agree with everything, but you made me stop, re-evaluate and realize that I am not alone during this hard period in my life.

I thought I would write to you to say thank you. I do not know you, but I hope you are as genuine in real life as you appear on your blog.

People like you have the power to make a difference.

Thank you.”

Now… I do not think I make any particular difference to people’s lives … I have just been trying to make a difference to mine …. BUT .. this message is something I will always treasure, if all I have ever done with my blog is make me feel better and helped one person in a small way then I can ask for nothing more.

Thank YOU for your words, and your time. I am very honoured.

Feed love with trust

March 5, 2013

Brae regular lesbian, love,, trust 2 Comments

Sometimes you are just sitting having a coffee .. and a wee thing pop’s up on Facebook that makes something click in your head.

I know I don’t fall in love easily but today I realised something quite profound …. it does take me a wee while to fall and I always thought I was cautious with my heart .. but it is not that at all .. I’m cautious with my TRUST! …. I have only fallen in love with a few women who I really trust (or trusted as the case may be! LOL)…

The relationships, have ended without me losing my trust in those people … maybe that is why some of my closest friends are ex’s .. They have my trust!! …

I guess we all have something that we look for in a partner and we will not be happy in a relationship unless we satisfy what makes us comfortable and relaxed enough to fall in love .. I know what I want (and I hate to say it .. but do NEED too!) …

If you had to list five things you needed from a partner to be able to fall in love (in order of importance) … what would they be?

These are mine!

1. Trust

2. Affection

3. Understanding

4. Sex

5. Reliability

Childhood friends

February 16, 2013

Brae regular friendship, lesbian, smiles Leave a comment

I take friendship very seriously, I have a small circle of close friends who know me very well. They know the persona beneath the clown mask and they still like me! (surprising I know!).

Some of my friends stretch back to my primary school days, some from my teenage years, my army days. some are ex lovers and some I have found in my more “adult” years.

I know I am very lucky as those that I class as “close friends” are always there for me, as I am always there for them.

We have seen each other through some tough times, some great times and have cried and laughed, shouted and argued at some point, but still we come through, happy to enjoy each other’s company and laugh at each other’s shortcomings and failings.

Last night I spent the evening in the company of an old standing friend of 30 years.. she was always the friend I looked up to at school, the one I always wanted to be like. In the end we have turned out very different… she is slim, fit and a twice divorcee, I am fat, unfit and a lesbian but still we have this wonderful friendship based on the trust and loyalty that we have for each other.

The great thing about us is that we really talk, I mean complete honesty, no holds barred and we have had nights when we have howled with laughter at some of our escapades (boy could we blackmail each other!!) .. and others when we have talked deeply about relationships, our worries and our fears.

Last night was a bit of a mix but mainly we talked about how we have changed in our outlook about life and our priorities and how sometimes we (as in everyone) lose out on being happy because of our guilt or our fear of how others will judge or see us.

We came to the conclusion that in the end does it really matter? … what does matter is how we are, how happy we are and how we have to put ourselves first and let all the responsibility of others depend on them, not us.

We are 52 years old (well technically she is still 51 .. but hey!) .. we have lived the majority of our lives by now .. we now know who we are and what is important to us.

The little rules we have made, the little beliefs we have … we should let them go .. in the end the only thing that the majority of us can leave behind that is of any importance is a wee smile in someone’s heart at a memory.

I want to leave lots of smiles.

If …

February 10, 2013

Brae regular lesbian, relationships, wait 4 Comments

I was thinking today about how we all deal with breakup’s and how they effect our thinking and attitude towards future relationships. All very deep stuff that I will not bore you with, especially as this is always a very personal thing .. and there is no right or wrong .. some people can go from one love to another easily, others need to take time to let the love they feel change to a love they can understand or a forgiveness that gives them peace.

However, thinking back on past personal relationships I realised something rather sad .. or pathetic, depending on how you look at it….. I have often given time to people, second chances to people and I have waited…jeez how I’ve waited at times … BUT .. I’ve never had anyone who waited for me …

I am not sure if that says something good about me .. or bad about me … but I find it rather sad …

The Perfect Storm

February 8, 2013

Brae regular emotion, lesbian, Storm Leave a comment

We all feel the rise and fall of the waves of life at times.

I know I did for a major part of last year and it has really only been in the past couple of months that I have truly felt a bit more like me again.

I am certainly happier, I am certainly more at peace but I am still very tired for a lot of the time. Hopefully this will be sorted out soon.. I am sure it will.

In the meantime I have hit this lovely plateau of peace and relaxation that I am currently taking a wee rest in .. and I think I will for the forseeable future.

For all of you out there who are going through a stormy time, just hang on, it will blow past.. I promise … sometimes you need a storm to really focus on what is important to you.

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Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Contentment

It is all making sense to me now …

Grey Area

Priorities

Acceptance

The power of words

Feed love with trust

Childhood friends

If …

The Perfect Storm

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