Brae. A gay woman's tale!

We all make mistakes in life … I have made some HUGE one’s in my time … but from each mistake I learned.   Some mistakes I “chose” to do again … ignoring the lesson I had already learned .. and that in itself was a mistake!

The thing about mistakes is that it is all part of this huge experience called life.   It is part of our nature to fuck up now and again, we are only human!

Sometimes the guilt we feel over our mistakes do, temporarily, define us … we think too deeply on them and why we made the choices we did … and that is fine … that is good, as long as we recognise that we made a mistake, we can take responsibility for it.  It is the mistakes that we deny that define us and that leads to a life that is never going to be fulfilling or happy.

On my way home today, I was stuck on the windy wee roads behind a very  slow car.

The driver of the Landrover behind me obviously thought it was me that holding things up and decided to over take just as we were approaching a bend… just as he pulled out, a lorry came round the corner and he had cut in right in front of me to avoid a smash … I was already braking but had to brake so hard that I really thought I wasn’t going to stop and my back ended skidded sideways … the wooden dog gate fell over and has broken (Superglue will be used later this afternoon!) … and stuff fell off from above the cab where I store it… and worst of all pour wee Sprout was catapulted off the seat (good job for her harness!)… she did let out a yelp though!

To say I called him a “stupid bastard” is mild … and I honked my horn at him … in between doing the wanker sign… didn’t seem to give him a fright though as he went roaring past the wee car in front as soon as he got round the corner …

I pulled over at the next layby to check on Sprout but she is fine … but it didn’t half give me a fright!

Well… that is my very first solo holiday over and I have loved every minute of it.

I met up with friends, rekindled another friendship and drank way to much alcohol! Technically, out of the seven days only four were spent alone (with my lovely Sprout too) but even in those “alone” days I found the solitude welcoming and peaceful and, in a way, comforting.

I am someone who finds peace in my own company and I know it is something that not everyone can handle. Over the past few months being on my own was difficult for me, there were too many questions in my head and too much regret in my heart.

This week has taught me a few important lessons… mainly that my peace and happiness does not lie with anyone apart from me and that unexpected pain and heartache can be the beginning of a new and eventful journey.

I have realised that someone I thought I knew wasn’t the person I thought she was and that I should have listened to the doubts and niggles that I had. A lot of things didn’t make sense and I know I was lied to frequently, not by what was said but rather by what was not.

I am a very forthright and direct person… and not everyone likes that but with me you get what you see… warts and all… but with that you also get my loyalty and true self… not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, just me and all my funny wee ways.

Way before my ex and I split, I was struggling… I am, at times, a bit of a workaholic and take on too much. This does leave me feeling tired and stressed … and I struggle more than I am always willing to admit to. I often lose my peace but I know it always returns and now I have Alice Alice in my life I can take off whenever I feel I need to. It seems like the situation that led to me buying Alice Alice, even though it tore me apart, may turn out to be the very thing that will make me whole again… and for that I can only be thankful.

Here is to the open road and a peaceful life! Cheers.

Had my only rain of the holiday today. It lasted for four hours but there was something really soothing about the patter in the roof. The sun is back but sadly the empty caravan I’m parked beside has been besieged by chavs… the adults are cracking open the alcohol in their awning while the kids (6 of them) are running riot… their football hit the side of Alice Alice earlier making Sprout bark her head off… I was very restrained… and just went out and told them to play at the other side of their caravan so if they kick the ball too hard it will hit their caravan and not mine…. there was silence from the awning…. and to give the kids credit they did move… I wonder why their parents didn’t tell them to do that in the first place.

I’m not sure that I should really say that I’ve never spent so much time working on a rug…. oooops… said it!!

It is my last day on holiday before I head home tomorrow. I wasn’t too sure of this site at Jedwater when I first arrived… but for 2 days I have been the only tourer on site and have spent a lot of time speaking to the people who have statics here… I was even invited up for a coffee and home made baking by a lovely couple who fell in love with Sprout.

I originally planned on taking 2 weeks holiday.. something I haven’t done in 20 odd years and travel down to Cornwall with Cath. Although I had been to Cornwall many times, Cath had never been and I was looking forward to showing her the sites.

As things turned out, this was not to be… so I decided to just take a week off and travel around closer to home.

All in all it’s been great. Although I do still regret that I lost Cath, I have found “the old me” that I am quite happy with.

I have laughed lots, drunk lots and seen some beautiful things. I have crossed hurdles, that were mountains in my mind and I have firmly planted peace back in my heart and mind… do I still miss Cath?… well… yes I do, but I realise I miss the Cath I thought I knew, not the Cath she really is… but, she does have every right to live life the way she wants. It is just not a lifestyle that fits with me… and mine does not fit with her.

I have said before that my life ahead is a blank page… and it is one that already has a notation or two in the margin!

I will continue to write the story of my life as it brings me more surprises and laughter…. but today is a day for chilling… I’m staying on site and catching up with my new Latch Rug addiction!

Too many realise this too late.