Brae. A gay woman's tale!

I decided to take a couple of days off this week … lately I have been busy and tired (for a couple of reasons) and I don’t want to start my holiday next week feeling drained.

Today, I had a rare long lie … (well … for me!) … and it was quite lovely lying there cuddling into Sprout! … I am used to getting up early to write to clear my evenings if my ex was coming over … but also because in the mornings I normally wake up very stiff and need to get up to move around.   Since I have started on the CPD Oil I have noticed a marked difference in the pain in my hips and back … it isn’t perfect by a long way, but now I feel it is much less annoying and definitely more manageable … and I seem to be able to do much more!

This morning, I plan to wash the bedding and tackle my wardrobes to get rid of a lot of stuff, my drawers are already done! … tomorrow I will tackle the summerhouse and work out what to keep and what to sell … I have a lot of camping gear that can now go and no doubt will find other stuff that has been “chucked” into the summerhouse!

I also need to pop into Dunfermline to have my necklace fixed (again!) … Sprout caught it with her claw and it snapped … but I may just buy a new one… the one I have (even though it is of great sentimental value), is rather old and the links are wearing thin in places … trouble is I know it wasn’t cheap … so it will depend on the price of a new one!

From a place of extreme tiredness and a low mood, it is lovely to finally have some energy and “keenness” back in my life.

I am really looking forward to my wee holiday in Alice Alice with Sprout next week, to meet up with friends and to just enjoy time on our own dawdling around … I have my route all planned out to take me through some lovely forests and past beautiful beaches … Sprout will love it!

The good news I had about a tax rebate yesterday also means that I can take an extra holiday sometime … although I am considering taking a longer holiday in September and not only doing the NC500 but popping over to the islands and doing a tour of them too!

I do realise that sometimes I work too much, it is a habit I am trying to break so that I can find a good balance between work and life … sometimes I get caught up with work and it rules my life and while it is good in some ways, in others, not so much.  I am a bit of a perfectionist but on the negative side, it does drain me mentally and sometimes I just need to step away.

Right now, life feels full of promise … of what, I don’t know.. but I do know there are many adventures to come … and that makes me happy!

As the years have passed, I have realised what I want

out of life.

Enough money to pay my bills, with a little left over to enjoy.

A job that inspires me.

Good friends and lots of laughter.

A home where I can find my peace.

A happy heart and a still mind.

These do not seem like much, in fact quite boring.  But to me they are everything.

I have lived a wild life, done things I am a little ashamed of, and treated people with less respect than they deserved.

On the other hand, I’ve done things I am very proud of, and given some people more respect than they deserved.

I have had great lows in my life, but great highs too and each experience has made me who I am.

My wild socialising days are in the past, now I prefer peace and quiet in the company of a few friends, with the odd crazy night flung in!

I have misunderstood, I have been misunderstood.

I have failed and I have succeeded.

I’ve broken hearts and I’ve had mine broken.

All of these things have made me, me!

For some I am too outspoken, too truthful and refuse to keep quiet when other people’s behaviour is not acceptable.

I refuse to put up with crap.  I cannot abide liars and cheats and simply won’t have them in my life… and if I have something to say, I say it.

I am seen as “too strong”, when in reality I am just honest and if I am in a situation where I feel uncomfortable or awkward, I simply remove myself from it.

Recent events made me sit back and think … and I have … a lot … but the outcome is still the same … I want exactly the same things out of life than I did before.  Whether that is with a partner or not, that doesn’t matter … but if it is, she will have to be in the “same place” as I am.

I don’t want a party girl, who finds excitement at the bottom of a bottle and who has to have a fun packed life.   I have been there, done that and moved on.

I am not a big drinker (excluding the odd occasion!) … and when I am sober the smell of alcohol off someone is a real turn off for me.   Although to be fair, when I smoke I guess the smell of tobacco is a bit of a turn off for some too!

If I do meet someone … I want her to have found their own peace, have her own life and who realises that a true relationship is doing things together, and apart … it is enjoying each other’s company when sitting in silence because you know that person is just happy being with you.

For me it is all about peace and thankfully I am finding mine again.

I’ve completed part one of my clear out! Drawers all sorted and Keep, Charity and Bin plea dealt with.. found 10 tee shirts that I forgot I had! All washed and drying! All clothes for my week away already in Alice Alice too!

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last breath, I was honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man when had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash. At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him, he couldn’t speak due to the pipes and tubes that were attached to him so I moved closer as he pointed at his mouth. I said I didn’t know what he wanted and asked if he could write, he nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the pen fell to the floor, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you its all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail, he now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my car in the car park with heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers. I somehow managed to get to the car without breaking up, and, as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from the recently deceased. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the bonnet. It just looked gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket. I have now got home and was about to throw it away but the though hit me, it might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words, it just appears to be a jumble of letters. I decided to share it on Facebook and Twitter to see if anyone could decipher it, I never was any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety (I’m not sure whether or not he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil ) it says “GETOFFMYFUCKINGOXYGENPIPEYOUFATBAST”…..any ideas?

Do you ever wonder if anyone else thinks like you?

Do you ever wonder if anyone else loves like you?

I don’t know if I have old fashioned values, or whether in this day and age of “disposal” goods if people really know what a relationship is all about.

I have had lots of “short term” relationships in my life … but after the initial excitement of someone new had begun to wear off, I realised that these women would not be permanent fixtures in my life and so the relationship ended before it dragged on longer and caused more hurt in the future.

I have been on the receiving end of these to and that is fair enough, you are not always everyone’s cup of tea.

But when I love, I love … it hasn’t been often but so far have ended up hurt and disappointed each time.

I don’t know if I believe all the bullshit about “I’ve never loved anyone this much”  “I’ve never had a lover that makes me feel like this before” … but I am fooled somewhere along the line.

I guess we all have our own moral codes and standards … it would explain a lot about why I have had a lover that was jealous to the extreme … not because of anything I done, but perhaps because she judged me based on her own morals and actions.

I have no idea.

I did toy with the idea of going back to my old “friends with benefits” thing that I used to do when I was younger … but in all honesty, I can’t be bothered … perhaps because there was no depth of feeling involved, just a physical act and a laugh … no commitment, no being a priority in someone’s life…. and I think in all honesty, I have outgrown all that … I do want commitment, I do want to be a priority.  I want to be someone’s last.

I do know I still believe in love, I may be a bit more cynical and a lot more wary, but in my heart of hearts I know there are good people out there, who want to commit, who want to share their lives, who want to plan for a future together.

I also know that at the moment I am nowhere near ready for a relationship.  I am still hurting and working through the disbelief and pain that my ex left in her wake … and although she has moved on (actually she moved on before we split) … I know I can’t judge every woman on what she done and how she treated me at the end.

I know there are good women out there … who are wondering exactly the same as I am … maybe one day, on my many new journey’s to come, I will meet her… and at last be able  let my weary heart smile.

There are days when writing a couple of tributes, that should be a straight forward job, becomes a huge task.

Today is one of these days, I am finding it hard to concentrate on the job in hand and instead my brain is wandering to the plans I have for my holiday in a weeks time.

A quick walk with the dog is in order to clear my head I think … then, hopefully, when I plank my bum back in front of my  laptop, my brain will be in tune with what I have to do!

I don’t have everything I thought I wanted, but I appreciate all I have!…and who I am as a person… not perfect by a long way, but I will do… I will certainly do!