Brae. A gay woman's tale!

My blog is my sanctuary.  A place where I can put down all I feel, good and bad.   In the past it has served me well, seeing me through some tough times and in later times, it opened my eyes to the fact that I truly have “seen it all before”.  It has been a source of comfort for me, a release from all the thoughts whirling round my head… and the start of healing.

However, I realise that it is open to the world.  I cannot block anyone from reading it… and at the moment, there are people who have an insight to my life that they do not deserve, and I do not want.  They walked out of my life by choice.  They can stay out of it.

I did seriously think of putting it on hold, in fact deleting the whole thing.  Then I thought “why the f*ck* should I”.

If someone needs to read my blog just to find out what I am up to, then that is their problem, not mine.

This is my blog, these are my thoughts, these are my words.  This is your issue.

I have had plenty of fun tonight planning my trip for later in the month … a mixture of meeting with friends and some time alone with Sprout to do my own thing!

First stop Ayr for two nights followed by the Lake District for two nights and then Jedburgh for three nights! … I decided to go from Saturday to Saturday to hopefully avoid the Bank Holiday traffic! … and it will give me a couple of days at home to sort myself out!

I did originally have two weeks booked off but decided to cancel my second week and perhaps take an extended holiday later in September, when I plan to do the NC500 … although it does seem I could do it quite easily in a week… so I may just take a few long weekends instead! … I know that seems funny coming from someone who is self employed, but if I don’t work, I don’t get paid! … so taking a full week off can work out very expensive!

Now I can start getting excited!

Recovering from a broken relationship is not easy.   It takes time and a lot of soul searching to really look inside and try to find your peace.

Jumping into another relationship is not what I do.  I can’t.  I need my space to process all the feelings and try to make sense of things.   I can’t commit to another relationship just to mask what I feel.

I have learned that, for me, it is best to sit back and let things unfold in their own time.  The hurt and the pain need to find a release and I then need to find a new balance in my life.

Friends have been encouraging me to “get out there” and meet someone new … but I really just do not want to.  I am still hurting too much and if I am honest, still in love with my ex, or  at least the woman I thought I knew.

I am not a woman who falls in love easily… and I am not a woman who falls out of love easily either.   When I love, I really love.  That is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

For all the confusion and the anger that the feeling of complete and utter worthlessness that I have been through these past months, I still cannot believe that my heart still loves … but it does and I have to accept that and try to move on with that burden.

I know that clocks cannot be turned back, I know that trust and respect cannot be rebuilt and I know that the hurt of knowing I was replaced so quickly will be a pain that remains with me.

But … I know all of this … and, as my friends know, I admit it.   Life has not given me what I thought I wanted, and I will accept that.   Maybe, just maybe, in the destinations I am heading for, I will meet someone who can love honestly and openly.  Maybe I won’t … and that’s ok too.

I know that whatever life brings my way I will always be me, honest, outspoken but true.

That is good enough for me.

I had a lovely day today … a wee visit from some friends, Catherine, Jennifer and Jenny and a picnic in the summerhouse with so much food that we all left with bags of it to take home (I bought pork pies, quiche and wee sausages,, Catherine and Jennifer brought cake and Jenny cooked home made sausage rolls, chocolate cookies, lemon drizzle cake and meringues!!).   Plans now afoot for a barbeque in the summer!

After they left I started planning a trip for a holiday in September … I have always wanted to do the NC500 and so I am going to do it! … well, mostly … I am going to travel in an anti clockwise direction, up the East Coast to John O’ Groats then across and down the West Coast, heading for Achmelvick,  Plockton and finally Aviemore.

I have been looking up camp sites (and prices!) and timing routes between various sites … I don’t want to drive more than 3 hours each day, so I have plenty of time to detour and stop off at various places en route.

I know I have a few wee trips planned before this one … but this will be the biggest… and one that I am really looking forward to!  Sprout will have a ball!.. and by September, after all my wee trips away, Alice Alice and I should be working like a fine tuned machine (hopefully!).

Over the past week or so, life has begun to fall into place again.  The pain and hurt that I felt have slipped away and I can see things in a clearer light and people for they are.

Letting go is never easy, suddenly your partner and best friend is gone, you are no longer in their life and you are replaced as easily as a broken mug.

But…acceptance does eventually come, and for me it was helped along by an email I recently received.  It made me realise that some people will deny the truth to play the victim and just added to the list of “I wonder if that was true” questions that I already had.

Suddenly, I am sleeping well again and the excitement of what the future might bring and all the plans I have made already are making me really smile.

Letting go is always hard, but sometimes it is a little thing like an email that gives you the key.

It is time for changes, now I have ripped up my list of “what if’s” and cleared my emotional junk, it is time to tackle the physical junk … and start afresh with a smile on my face!

Here’s to letting go, the biggest piece of freedom you can ever have!

I ventured into the shed at the back of the summerhouse again today … my brother was here putting up my owl light that the Wirral girls bought for me… and some metal bunting lights that my lovely neighbour Carol bought at Christmas.

I really need to have a clear out of the shed … I have a tent and loads of camping gear that I need to go through and sort out, to work out what to keep and what to sell.

I have decided to keep the folding bikes … I have a bike rack on the back of Alice Alice so may as well take the bikes with me when I go away … I’m a wee bit limited with how far I can walk because of the muscles that tighten in my back …  so at least I can go a wee bit further with the bike!

To be honest I have no idea what is in the shed … no doubt I will find out when I start “howking” about … hopefully I will make a start this weekend and do a little each evening till I have it sorted.

I also need to have a good clear out of my drawers and wardrobes … they are full to overflowing and hard decisions have to be made! … I am a bit of a clothes hoarder .. I have 2 drawers of t-shirts and only wear the same 4 or 5 … time to be tough with myself and benefit a charity shop!

I also want to get rid of the shoe rack in my office and have a wee rearrange … I need to chuck shoes away (I am also a bit of an Emelda Marcos) …I have dozens of pairs of shoes and I only wear about 6 pairs of them! … again … be strong Ms Johnson … be strong!

Yup, that is a pep talk for me … I can do it, I know I can … really … I will … honest!